Discussion those who plan to ctb but have loved ones who care for them

[helloandbye1]

This is the question just for people who are actively planning to ctb (not just passive thoughts) and also for people, whose fear for loved ones is bigger than their fear of death.

How do you guys deal with guilt towards your family/loved ones? When time to ctb comes, how do you know you won't stop yourself?

 

[Fire&Ash]

These are my thoughts too. I had a huge fight with my dad about everything I've been though and how I feel. He called me fucking selfish for wanting to ctb or thinking about it and that if I did I will kill my mom and him. It's not easy

 

[Ozzyno]

These are my thoughts too. I had a huge fight with my dad about everything I've been though and how I feel. He called me fucking selfish for wanting to ctb or thinking about it and that if I did I will kill my mom and him. It's not easy

People lying through their teeth

 

[TheHolySword]

For me, the guilt isn't really possible to deal with. I just have to ignore it. I don't know what's going to happen when the time comes, how I'm going to feel. I know right now the though of it breaks my heart, leaving them behind. My pain and suffering will become theirs. I don't want that for anyone. I know what it's like to be left behind, you never really heal, you're never really the same. It is selfish but I can't live like this forever and I have to accept it's going to hurt and scar the people I love most.

 

[CacklingZombie]

This is the question just for people who are actively planning to ctb (not just passive thoughts) and also for people, whose fear for loved ones is bigger than their fear of death.

How do you guys deal with guilt towards your family/loved ones? When time to ctb comes, how do you know you won't stop yourself?

I used to identify more strongly with this. I try to separate the actions from the lip service. They say they love you. They can say whatever they want. But do they initiate conversation? Do they travel to see you? Do they care enough to ask about major health issues at least once every few years to check in? Do they do anything that would be considered 'thoughtful' in reciprocation for the undoubtedly thoughtful things you've said and done for them?

My dad wouldn't notice for a few weeks until he looked up from TikTok. He's "there" if I ever need him, but I got luggage for my 18th birthday, so I've been doing this - and doing it mostly better than them - without their help. GTFO of the way at this point.

A part of me would feel bad for my mom. But she's as much to blame for being an enabler.

 

[helloandbye1]

No one loves you. Don't worry about it when they put you underground everyone will forget about you in less than two weeks.

...that's not true in my case.

I used to identify more strongly with this. I try to separate the actions from the lip service. They say they love you. They can say whatever they want. But do they initiate conversation? Do they travel to see you? Do they care enough to ask about major health issues at least once every few years to check in? Do they do anything that would be considered 'thoughtful' in reciprocation for the undoubtedly thoughtful things you've said and done for them?

My dad wouldn't notice for a few weeks until he looked up from TikTok. He's "there" if I ever need him, but I got luggage for my 18th birthday, so I've been doing this - and doing it mostly better than them - without their help. GTFO of the way at this point.

A part of me would feel bad for my mom. But she's as much to blame for being an enabler.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Im terms of actions, my parents did both good and bad, but still, mostly good. Yes, they didn't help me when I was a kid but I'm not angry anymore. I used to daydream about them helping me out sooner, in middle school, so I'd become a functioning adult; but it didn't happen and I can't go back in time.
All I know now is that despite their mistakes, they love me a lot and that my death will hurt them.

 

[yearofluigi]

I've just sorta accepted that I'm acting selfishly. It would be best for everyone else if I just kept my head up and pretended nothing was wrong so I don't bother anyone, but I've been doing that my whole life and I'm sick of it.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Honestly, I am not sure if I can call them loved ones. Sure, I communicate with one sister and my dying father very occasionally, but, it almost Christmas and I will be spending it completely alone. The rest of the family is gathering elsewhere(s), but I am not invited to any of those functions. That being said, I feel that my passing really won't affect them in any sort of long lasting way. It will probably be more like a really sad news story. Sure, they will likely cry and say why didn't he reach out, but ultimately, it will be how most react to such stories. It's tragic and it makes you sad for a bit, but ultimately it's happening far detached from the reality of their lives and therefore doesn't directly affect them. Not only makes it easier for them and myself, but truly proves that this is truly the only way forward.

 

[easypeasy]

Honestly, I am not sure if I can call them loved ones. Sure, I communicate with one sister and my dying father very occasionally, but, it almost Christmas and I will be spending it completely alone. The rest of the family is gathering elsewhere(s), but I am not invited to any of those functions. That being said, I feel that my passing really won't affect them in any sort of long lasting way. It will probably be more like a really sad news story. Sure, they will likely cry and say why didn't he reach out, but ultimately, it will be how most react to such stories. It's tragic and it makes you sad for a bit, but ultimately it's happening far detached from the reality of their lives and therefore doesn't directly affect them. Not only makes it easier for them and myself, but truly proves that this is truly the only way forward.

I am in the same boat regarding no family on Christmas. Spent the last few alone. My reasons are physical incapacity but still…. They aren't around. It's such a lottery whose family you become apart of.

 

[mytimeishere]

I have given this a TREMENDOUS amount of thought and continue to do so... There will be MANY MANY people that my death will affect based on conversations I have already had with them as to my possible intentions... This gives me pause in thinking I am exponentially pushing the pain I am feeling and the suffering I am experiencing off on a LARGE group of people who will all experience it after I am gone... And that especially includes the group outside the close, inner circle who will be shocked and devastated...

It can be viewed as a "selfish" act for the reasons I stated... I guess the real answer comes when you reach the tipping point of who's pain is going to be more extreme... yours or theirs... Living with nothing to wake up for every day isn't living it's an existence...

 

[death_bed221]

I hope my mom forgives me somehow. I think deep down she knows its for the best. I am not like other people and this is the price I pay for that

 

[Nangijala]

I've tried distancing myself from those I care about to lessen the impact of my potential death, but honestly in hindsight This was a bad idea. My family will care regardless, and if I ctb right after pushing them away there's a chance they actually feel worse because they can see me distancing myself as a sign they should have recognised that things aren't going well.