I was just sitting here, using my phone, passing my time and I got random thoughts of her. Now I do get that these thoughts and stuffs, are common/normal. To just have memories that in an unexpected way, appear in your head with you not having control over it, It's fine, It happens.
What I got anxious enough to come and rant about is the negative, depressing thought that I had in my mind with that memory. It's like I was judging her actions and vilifying her in my thoughts. That was not me ( real me ) ! I don't do such things. I don't remember thinking about demonizing her or her actions for the most part. This change is so bad for me, It makes me worse. I envy now, I judge, I feel depressed, I am immoral, I feel lazy, I seem to feel apathetic and as a result, I hate myself or what I am right now.
I just like sort of want to be able to not feel anxious of other people with better lives because this is so wrong. There is no justification, no mental illness that can sort of make me validate these thoughts or be okay with having them. I am who's in the wrong with everything. I don't want to be insecure and judge other people because of it. I can't even love right, right now. I feel so immature with all of the decisions and how I am at the moment.
All that while putting no efforts to fix this message even though I'd love to be born again. I know the right path, atleast a bit of it, but I just willingly deny myself the opportunity to tread on it.
Man I want to just stop getting memories. I want to like stop having thoughts temporarily. It's really painful.
What I got anxious enough to come and rant about is the negative, depressing thought that I had in my mind with that memory. It's like I was judging her actions and vilifying her in my thoughts. That was not me ( real me ) ! I don't do such things. I don't remember thinking about demonizing her or her actions for the most part. This change is so bad for me, It makes me worse. I envy now, I judge, I feel depressed, I am immoral, I feel lazy, I seem to feel apathetic and as a result, I hate myself or what I am right now.
I just like sort of want to be able to not feel anxious of other people with better lives because this is so wrong. There is no justification, no mental illness that can sort of make me validate these thoughts or be okay with having them. I am who's in the wrong with everything. I don't want to be insecure and judge other people because of it. I can't even love right, right now. I feel so immature with all of the decisions and how I am at the moment.
All that while putting no efforts to fix this message even though I'd love to be born again. I know the right path, atleast a bit of it, but I just willingly deny myself the opportunity to tread on it.
Man I want to just stop getting memories. I want to like stop having thoughts temporarily. It's really painful.
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