Venting This feels wrong

[whocares?]

( Tw: incestuous SA)
It feels wrong to accuse my mom of treating me badly. No, she does loves me ( I'm not sure, but when I come out as part of the LGBTQ, she just turn irritated and cold towards me), I feel like she only love the illusions that she puts on me. Whenever I do things that are against her illusions, she says " I'm going to die soon", " i give up", " i have no reasons to live now" or turn dramatic. For many times, when I dont do chores or when she having too much things to do and I bother her, she says " Without me, I'm wondering where this family will go", "This family will become beggars without me". Even when I was sick, she just be like " Without me, how can this family survive?" When I was younger, I told her how bad my school days went, and she got angry and yelled " I'm not a trash can for you to dump this", but whenever she is mad at the responsibility, or me, or her husband, she just dump it all on me. I think that is quite understandable, and I deserve that, because she has too much work to do, and I'm a lazy ass. But I cant stay around her, I just feel suffocated.
Im not sure whether she loves me or not, this is confusing. She controls everything, even something simple as the haircut, without my consent. I feel so mad when she still loves her husband who SA'd me, he also cheated for 6 years, I think I'm kinda childish.

I dont understand, parts of me wanted to hate her, but another parts feel guilty for doing that. She is caring, loves me unconditionally, do all things for me. I dont understand. I really need your advices, it is all so weird.

About the husband, he also shows signs of love and dedication, but he cheated, and he SA'd me, multiple times when I was young. He keeps making sexual jokes/ teasing/ remarks/ comments when I was young. I'm also wondering whether he loves me or not. People around me says that he loves me, despite what he has done?

He and she touched me *there* as a joke. Back then, I didn't know that this was weird, I felt alittle wrong, but decided to go along with the joke.

THIS IS THE PART I STILL BLAME MYSELF NOW, :
I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY TF DIDNT I KNOW IT THEN, I DO THAT TO THEM AS A JOKE AS WELL..
he once let me touch "it" because I was curious and begging

I hate myself, why didn't I know about this ? I feel so disgusted when this happened, why didn't I understand how gross my acts where??
This makes me sick to the core. Why tf?. Hate myself. Why I didnt realize it back then????

 

[whocares?]

Please, if you see this, please give me some advice.
I know I was a disgusting kid, but I'm trying to get better, and trying to escape their BS. So, please, give me some insights or advice, it is all so confusing

 

[Lfsn_kivacs-rei]

You're not disgusting. You were a kid, and adults have the power. Feeling guilty and disgusting is a pretty common experience for SA survivors, especially if you were a kid (I have been through this myself, and have seen it through my job). It doesn't mean you are at fault, or have done something wrong. It is a lot to process, and sounds like you are still stuck in an environment with them? That's going to be really hard for anyone. I'm not sure I've been helpful, but know you aren't alone, and I'm sending good vibes your way.

 

[whocares?]

You're not disgusting. You were a kid, and adults have the power. Feeling guilty and disgusting is a pretty common experience for SA survivors, especially if you were a kid (I have been through this myself, and have seen it through my job). It doesn't mean you are at fault, or have done something wrong. It is a lot to process, and sounds like you are still stuck in an environment with them? That's going to be really hard for anyone. I'm not sure I've been helpful, but know you aren't alone, and I'm sending good vibes your way.

Thank you so much for replying. This means alot to me
Wish you the best ❤❤❤

 

[dewasrite]

Not sure how old you are, but if you have the option to get out of that living situation,
It would probably be a game changer for you. You went through something awful and it is a lot to process and a lot to come to terms with. I just think doing that while still in the home with the people you have issues with makes it so much harder. You didn't do anything wrong and you 100% don't deserve to feel terrible and disgusting.