Venting there are so many things i hypothetically want to do in life

[encore]

and yet i feel like i still won't enjoy them as much as i wish i could. they will never fill this void. i feel like i am a plastic doll made to imitate someone real, i observe life instead of living. i was thinking about getting on medication when i can, but the thought of having to continue life with this body and brain makes me feel severely depressed. the thought of persevering makes me feel powerless. disease scares me, and my body is already physically deteriorating from stress which ironically only adds more stress.

i'm sad i will likely never get to experience being loved again. it haunts me every single day. i want this pain to stop.

 

[Dejected 55]

This struck a chord with me. I have been telling people, though admittedly not many lately, that I feel like I have done everything I can in this life that I wanted to do that I am able to do alone. There are a lot of things I always wanted to do, but they require someone else, and I have never had anyone else. Recently turning 55 and having a really bad experience over the last year, I increasingly see no point in continuing because there are already experiences that I wanted to have that have fallen off the table for possibility and I lose more by the year even if I managed to limp onward.

I often feel like an alien observer sent to earth to watch and report, always being isolated and separate, and never quite understanding humans or why they do what they do, especially to each other. I've never really lived. I'm merely existed. And I've reached the point where I can no longer fool myself that existence is worthwhile. I have never been loved, though I have felt love for others a couple of times. I see no possibility of it anymore. And I'm exhausted every day just to do the minimal effort required to merely exist.

So, sadly, I identify with what you're saying.

 

[bankai]

I understand. For me, the joy of life has run out quite a while ago. There's really nothing I look forward to anymore. I have money, but I don't spend it. It doesn't bring me any joy. I'll travel a bit next year to meet some of my friends. That's about it. I think sometime next year should be the end for me.