There are pros and cons that I am taking a break from my college self-help group.
Positive: I am less exposed to scrutiny by other people. I feel less judged. I feel like I don't have to defend myself for not doing anything productive. I spend more time with my closest friends. But soon they will have less time. My imposter syndrom is less agonizing when I am not communicating much. I am not sure whether I feel more lonely I text a lot with friends who also expressed feelings of loneliness. This one woman who gaslit and manipulated me did a lot of harm to me. I don't feel secure any longer in this group. I am not sure whether she wanted me to quit the group. There are too few people in the group without me. And maybe the meetings won't take place because of that. I am not sure whether that actually were her intentions. But what did she expect? I don't have to take less addictive medication. Going to that group was in my schedule since more than one year. I always felt like I really enjoyed that group. At the same time it feels a little bit relieving not having to go there anymore. I am not sure why these are my feelings. The group devolved in the last months. We were always the same people. Two borderline women who got more and more into conflict. Then a friendly dude with sometimes weird takes and very low emotional intelligence. I think I might be the biggest weirdo of the group though. But especially these conflicts took a toll on my mental health. I did not feel comfortable anymore. I always wished there was peace between them. But my intervention made everything worse.
Con: I think my social skills will deteriorate. I am not sure how fast. But I think it already started. I have less incentives to stay mentally healthy. With the group in my schedule I always knew I need sleep in order not to become paranoid. I had to force me to sleep. Now this incentive is gone. The conflicts in the group stressed me so much that I became paranoid though. I think ghosting them is very rude. But I cannot say the truth that one person (the organizer) is gaslighting me. They won't believe me with my past psychosis. I already tried to communicate that and it totally backfired.
There is something in me that says quit that group and never look back. I think the organizer will never forgive me. She is very pissed and there is no going back. I don't know any other good self-help group. I could wait some time and return to the group. Maybe the situation will calm down. Maybe they will find new members so that they cannot argue out this argument during group sessions. This is currently my plan.
My therapy time was extended with my therapist. Usually this should take 5 weeks. It took her fucking 3,5 months. My friends say this therapist is a massive red flag. And honestly, I have the feeling she might make everything worse. Her advices are often counterproductive. She doesn't get me and my issues. We even had an argument. Honestly, I don't think good about her. And I think I might have shown that already. I needed someone genuinely good. My problems are very difficult to solve. But she just reinforces my hopelessness. Currently, I try cognitive restructering on my own. And this woman who gaslighted me exploited this fact. Which is why the manipulation caused a lot of damage. I have to treat myself better. I define myself over being intelligent. And I torture myself of being an intellectual imposter. I always pretend to be smarter than I am actually am. But I should stop doing that. Actually, smart people can do more than only analyzing one's own issues. They can solve them or at least try to do that. I think I have to stop self-loathing me so much. I have to stop catastrophizing what other people think about me. And how nightmarish situations can end up. In some ways I improved. I did it all alone. Also with AI as therapist to give me feedback. I felt pretty pretty good for like 2-4 weeks in September. I could sleep again like a normal human being. It was insane. I think one reason was I didn't consider sleeping a waste of time to that time. But then this woman started to gaslight me. Then my grandma had these strokes and the same with the boyfriend of my mom. And I couldn't stop worrying about the health of my mom. And the house of card crashed and I barely recovered from that. The situation within my family improved.
I am not sure how to continue. Maybe I should go to a sport club instead of a self-help group. There are no self-help groups for younger people where I live.
Positive: I am less exposed to scrutiny by other people. I feel less judged. I feel like I don't have to defend myself for not doing anything productive. I spend more time with my closest friends. But soon they will have less time. My imposter syndrom is less agonizing when I am not communicating much. I am not sure whether I feel more lonely I text a lot with friends who also expressed feelings of loneliness. This one woman who gaslit and manipulated me did a lot of harm to me. I don't feel secure any longer in this group. I am not sure whether she wanted me to quit the group. There are too few people in the group without me. And maybe the meetings won't take place because of that. I am not sure whether that actually were her intentions. But what did she expect? I don't have to take less addictive medication. Going to that group was in my schedule since more than one year. I always felt like I really enjoyed that group. At the same time it feels a little bit relieving not having to go there anymore. I am not sure why these are my feelings. The group devolved in the last months. We were always the same people. Two borderline women who got more and more into conflict. Then a friendly dude with sometimes weird takes and very low emotional intelligence. I think I might be the biggest weirdo of the group though. But especially these conflicts took a toll on my mental health. I did not feel comfortable anymore. I always wished there was peace between them. But my intervention made everything worse.
Con: I think my social skills will deteriorate. I am not sure how fast. But I think it already started. I have less incentives to stay mentally healthy. With the group in my schedule I always knew I need sleep in order not to become paranoid. I had to force me to sleep. Now this incentive is gone. The conflicts in the group stressed me so much that I became paranoid though. I think ghosting them is very rude. But I cannot say the truth that one person (the organizer) is gaslighting me. They won't believe me with my past psychosis. I already tried to communicate that and it totally backfired.
There is something in me that says quit that group and never look back. I think the organizer will never forgive me. She is very pissed and there is no going back. I don't know any other good self-help group. I could wait some time and return to the group. Maybe the situation will calm down. Maybe they will find new members so that they cannot argue out this argument during group sessions. This is currently my plan.
My therapy time was extended with my therapist. Usually this should take 5 weeks. It took her fucking 3,5 months. My friends say this therapist is a massive red flag. And honestly, I have the feeling she might make everything worse. Her advices are often counterproductive. She doesn't get me and my issues. We even had an argument. Honestly, I don't think good about her. And I think I might have shown that already. I needed someone genuinely good. My problems are very difficult to solve. But she just reinforces my hopelessness. Currently, I try cognitive restructering on my own. And this woman who gaslighted me exploited this fact. Which is why the manipulation caused a lot of damage. I have to treat myself better. I define myself over being intelligent. And I torture myself of being an intellectual imposter. I always pretend to be smarter than I am actually am. But I should stop doing that. Actually, smart people can do more than only analyzing one's own issues. They can solve them or at least try to do that. I think I have to stop self-loathing me so much. I have to stop catastrophizing what other people think about me. And how nightmarish situations can end up. In some ways I improved. I did it all alone. Also with AI as therapist to give me feedback. I felt pretty pretty good for like 2-4 weeks in September. I could sleep again like a normal human being. It was insane. I think one reason was I didn't consider sleeping a waste of time to that time. But then this woman started to gaslight me. Then my grandma had these strokes and the same with the boyfriend of my mom. And I couldn't stop worrying about the health of my mom. And the house of card crashed and I barely recovered from that. The situation within my family improved.
I am not sure how to continue. Maybe I should go to a sport club instead of a self-help group. There are no self-help groups for younger people where I live.
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