Venting Therapy for loneliness?

[jesteroutofwork]

ive been feeling like im disconnected from people for the past 4 years. Feeling lonely may seem like something minor but at this point it's just rotting me away. Almost all hobbies and activities seem like a waste of time when you cant discuss them with someone. Recently i had to study a lot for important exams, and even though i like to study and it was interesting to me, it just felt like a waste of time. Overall almost everything seems like a waste of time, really. Honestly the only thing i still enjoy and love is training at the gym. Genuinely it's often my only reason to go through the day and care about myself lmao. When im not training life feels like playing on an empty online server. It's superficial. At this point im jealous of people that have normal social life. I don't think i lack social skills or i'm too anxious. I'm definitely more calm and I don't have issues with small talk. The problem is, every single conversation and relation feels fucking superficial. Really everything. I think it's because i know that i don't matter much to most people, and when we'll finish this conversation we will probably never speak again unless i initiate a convo. It feels like i dont have a home, some kind of basic support network that will just accept me and care about me, so i just have to constantly try and 'fight' in order to have friends. I think it maybe stems from my parents. My dad was an alcoholic and was abusive for a better part of my childhood, and even though he has changed, my relation with him is just damaged. I just don't find him a trusting person. He's really okay to me, but i genuinely just dont have any postiive feelings to him. When i was a little boy he just abused me and drank a lot. My mother is okay, but im also having issues connecting with her. We often argued and she had no regrets about saying pretty damn ugly things to her own child. I know it was a long time ago, and now im rather fine with my parents, but i feel like this experience just made me feel alone for the rest of my life. It feels like i have no one to trust and show true emotions and passion to. There's just no home, no foundation. I've often felt different from my peers and more mature than them, i think it also stemmed from abuse. It just caused me to be alienated even more lmao. Not so long ago i've been diagnosed with mild depression and prescribed fluoxetine with CBT therapy. I gotta say fluoxetine brought back the energy and focus to me, i could study better and be more productive. But i still feel suicidal and alone, just not as much to be bedridden. Sadly the therapy was awful, in fact it even wasn't a therapy lmao. I specifically asked for a CBT therapist in a local mental health centre. On the first visit i asked him if he works in CBT, which he confirmed. Around 3 months later when I told him im quitting because it's not doing shit on our last session, he told me that actually he's not even doing CBT lmao. Turns out he is still learning to be a CBT therapist and doesn't have a proper license yet. So he was basically giving me shitty psychologist's consultations for 3 months, where he just told me to meet more people lmao. he never adressed the fact that im chronically lonely even when im meeting with someone and i chronically feel like i do not belong anywhere, just repeteadly said to meet people. Anyway, I know it was NOT CBT, but when im reading about the proper CBT it doesnt feel me with confidence either. i don't understand how catching cognitive distortions and doing tasks will help me not feel lonely. It just feels like gaslighting honestly. That loneliness is deep and constant. Even though i like myself, i really do, and i think that im an interesting person to talk with, the feeling of not belonging is just too fucking painful. It has come down the the point where i prefer my dreams and nightmares over my real life, because it feels more entertaining and interesting. I actually feel like i have some kind of role to play and a purpose in my dreams in contrast to my life. Anyways, i know it is a long thread, but id be happy if someone with similiar feelings could share some insight of dealing with this shit. Thank you for reading.

 

[Redacted24]

So. Very. Relatable.

In my case it was domestic emotional abuse which let me to an impulsive half baked near attempt in 2023 which genuinely frightened me into looking for effective methods.

That search led me to this community where I found so many genuinely nice, kind and empathetic people (and a few grouchy ones too, to be fair) - as I searched here and read and started interacting, I realized that I wasn't alone in my feelings. The amazing people here, the talented, smart, funny and quirky members made me feel welcomed and not wrong.

I've had a few therapists before and during my time here, although none at present. One of those had asked me to try and be somewhat outgoing because I'm not the horrible monster I've been conditioned to believe I am.

And while that's a difficult ask to a naturally shy person who's been socially isolated by their abusive partner and who also tends to self isolate because, well I'm very afraid to initiate a connection, I did try.

I had had some superficial connections in things like the forum games and reached out privately to a few people there - explaining that my therapist said I should - and some of those developed into solid friendships where we've met in person.

As unlikely as it may sound, nearly three years later I'm still here. Sure I have a better exit plan but it doesn't seem so imperative to me.

You're already way ahead of me in courage by posting this thread, with candor and honesty - I haven't started a thread here yet! So, give yourself some credit!

I think the more that you interacted with like-minded community members that you may also find some connections and satisfying ones at that. That you'll find understanding and kindness and deep people that get it and accept you as you are. I know I have. Here I feel okay being, me.

I believe in you.

And I hope you can find what you are seeking in this community of hurting souls as I have.

Looking forward to see you around!

 

[jesteroutofwork]

So. Very. Relatable.

In my case it was domestic emotional abuse which let me to an impulsive half baked near attempt in 2023 which genuinely frightened me into looking for effective methods.

That search led me to this community where I found so many genuinely nice, kind and empathetic people (and a few grouchy ones too, to be fair) - as I searched here and read and started interacting, I realized that I wasn't alone in my feelings. The amazing people here, the talented, smart, funny and quirky members made me feel welcomed and not wrong.

I've had a few therapists before and during my time here, although none at present. One of those had asked me to try and be somewhat outgoing because I'm not the horrible monster I've been conditioned to believe I am.

And while that's a difficult ask to a naturally shy person who's been socially isolated by their abusive partner and who also tends to self isolate because, well I'm very afraid to initiate a connection, I did try.

I had had some superficial connections in things like the forum games and reached out privately to a few people there - explaining that my therapist said I should - and some of those developed into solid friendships where we've met in person.

As unlikely as it may sound, nearly three years later I'm still here. Sure I have a better exit plan but it doesn't seem so imperative to me.

You're already way ahead of me in courage by posting this thread, with candor and honesty - I haven't started a thread here yet! So, give yourself some credit!

I think the more that you interacted with like-minded community members that you may also find some connections and satisfying ones at that. That you'll find understanding and kindness and deep people that get it and accept you as you are. I know I have. Here I feel okay being, me.

I believe in you.

And I hope you can find what you are seeking in this community of hurting souls as I have.

Looking forward to see you around!

It's tough to deal with those emotions everyday. I can remember hoping that this feeling will go away like 4 years ago lmao. im just 18 but i feel like im in some kind of twisted repetetive dream where i can only watch other people experience a normal life. Im really high functioning and productive, but im like that mainly because it makes me forget about the loneliness. I train at the gym 4x a week, im counting my calories daily since 2023 and i like to clean shit around the house just to feel like i have a purpose. On a side note, even though i love training, it just makes me sad that i have mediocre results. Don't get me wrong, i've made a noticeable progress since i started in 2023 but it just makes me sad when i talk with my peers and it turns out almost all of them are stronger than me lmao. It feels like im somehow handicapped. Most of my friends dont try that hard, they just go to the gym and train and don't care about their diet at all while im busting my ass to be in a caloric surplus and forcing myself to eat more to bulk. I know it's kinda off topic but it just bothers me that i can only bench approximately 80kg for 1 rep after 3 years of regular training. Idk it literally makes me want to cry when i think about it for a longer time. It feels like some kind of invisible wall just stops me, same feeling shows when trying to connect with others.
Anyways, i've been thinking about suicide pretty much daily for the last 10 months or so. It's a tough choice because there are things in life that i enjoy but the isolation just makes me feel like an alien from space. The worst thing about it - you can't really talk about it to anyone. Helplines suck, family just says some superficial things and friends dont really know how to help (and i dont blame them). Being suicidal feels like a crime.
Im moving far to a different town to study at a decent uni in few months if everything goes right. Maybe changing my surroundings will do something, because currently im living in a small town with just not a lot of people. Also maybe living without my parents will be better. But again, im afraid that i'll still lack connection and a purpose in life even when i move, and living like this seems futile and cruel.
I know that's a lot of topics to vent about but keeping all of this to myself since last 4 years makes me go insane lmao

 

[Redacted24]

Totally hear you.

I am always amazed at how others can swim like fish through the sea of life, while I feel like a seahorse clinging to the seagrass trying to evade predators.

They seem bright and colourful and carefree.
I don't.

I've tried to accept that I'm not a fish. But it's difficult.

I hope that the change as you head out to different environment is a good one for you and that you can find others with which you can develop good, supportive and accepting relationships, deeply and with meaning.

When you do, and I believe you will, give them the time and care, nurturing them so the bonds grow strong. I never had a lot of friendships (beyond the exhausting superficial ones) where I could feel comfortable being myself. But those few that I did, I cherish.

Please do keep posting here.
I'm sure you will find others that will show support and empathy and humor and kindness.

Let us know how it's going, okay?