Discussion 'The Switch' from passive to active suicidality

[OzymandiAsh]

Has anyone here ever had a 'switch', a moment where you went from passively thinking about suicide to being set on it?
How long were you passively suicidal vs. being actively suicidal?

For me, I lived with passive suicidality for about 6 years. It is only since about September of last year that I resolved to CTB. And I always knew that once I resolved, that was pretty much it, there is no stopping me now and I am dead set on suicide. I even thought I would be a one and done, as I kind of thought a lot of people dilly-dally about their suicides but I would be more serious. Turns out however serious I am it is still difficult to do practically speaking and most methods are much less reliable statistically than I ever thought, etc. and my first attempts (ligature strangulation) were sadly unsuccessful. But oh well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

One thing that has sort of thrown me off guard and surprised me a bit is how vastly different the reactions from people, family and professional services have been since I became actively suicidal. All of a sudden people want to show me love and appreciation, and everyone wants to be my lifesaver. Like, wait, what?! Where was all of this care and concern when I ACTUALLY WANTED TO GET HELP AND GET BETTER AND DO THE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT WORK OF HEALING AND RECOVERING??? Why was I met with rejection, mockery, and bullying during that time, but all of a sudden now people want to turn up unannounced at my door with pizza and shit like that?

It doesn't change anything in my case, far too late for that. But in a strange way I regret not being actively suicidal earlier, because 1. it would have given me more time to prepare and I would be out of here faster, 2. maybe all of this outpouring of care, understanding, support etc. would have actually been helpful if it came earlier. Now there is no help. I cannot be helped, and I don't want to be; I have surrendered to the utterly overpowering wish to leave this shit show. Now I just want people to f off and leave me alone before they find ways to make things even worse, accidental or not.

 

[DeathByBananabread]

I think I've been passively suicidal most of my life, with occasional small bouts of being absolutely sure I'd do it with no follow-through.

When I first started reaching this point I made the mistake of telling people as well. I quickly stopped & started masking. Now everyone assumes that was a phase that just passed when I got on medication (that wasn't working, & I discontinued). It's odd now, assuming I stay like this, & actually go through with it, I fit the stereotype almost exactly of someone who suddenly "miraculously recovered"/seemed way happier before suicide.

It's only over the past, like, year-&-a-half, that I've been determined to go through with it (actually a little bit before the major political event you probably think set me off, lol!), just without a surefire method to do without survival instinct taking over, & without a space/place/window of time large enough where I could actually do it without potentially being caught. (I've been doing my research, but research actually kind of sets you back a bit, y'know, once you realize how ineffective most easily-accessible methods can be? I don't have a gun or a high place.)

 

[UnPlugMe69]

My passive CTB started during the end of high school about 2 years ago where I would look out the window at trees, clouds and rocks, having an intense yearning to be an inanimate object. Admiring their lack of worry, stress, responsibility and pain.

My active CTB obsession started when i stopped yearning to get 'better' or be 'helped' since being 'saved' or becoming 'happy' would simply be the reinstatement of the basic delusions that helps people cope with existence and hold the belief that overcoming your problems is the only conceivable option. This level of intellectual dishonesty does not match my values, so i wish not to participate in it. I saw discourse on the topic of CTB as permanently stunted by religious zealots (the state) that presents themselves as secular, objective and not just holding their preferred ideological position regarding CTB that they force down my throat.

I first planned my CTB last year at about the end of October and figured days later that i made a gross miscalculation that rendered my method non-lethal. So i now think i have a decent method, but i don't currently have the perfect environment to execute it since i live with people that might ruin it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I was passively suicidal for a very long time- over 30 years. It's only properly moved into the active stage of researching and aquiring a method because- I must be finally approaching the time I can do it. I always wanted to wait for certain loved ones to go first. My Dad is the last remaining one.

I have researched methods in the past but, it wasn't really a serious proposition back then.

I suppose the main emotions I feel are fear of going through with it. Also, frustration- if I'm honest. That I'm more or less practically ready to go but, still feel like I can't.

I have heard that kind of response from helplines though too. A work colleague once rang one but said- once they found out she didn't have a method prepared, they weren't all that interested.

I agree though- that is weird. Why not take people seriously enough to help them when they are still at the passively suicidal stage?

 

[Macedonian1987]

I was passively suicidal ever since 2003, but i became actively suicidal in 2024. The trigger was my rapidly worsening health. I am 38 but my health is that of a 70 year old man. I just cannot endure this pain and loneliness anymore.

 

[Forveleth]

Passively suicidal for about 22 years. Then I got to the point where my asshole partner has broken me completely. I now no longer want to be alive. I started planning to end my life as existing in this world no longer holds interest for me.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I've been passively suicidal for about 10 years, since I was an early teen. I've never really seen a future for myself and I've kind of always known I'd die by my own hand. The switch for me was treating a patient who was almost successful (and did eventually pass). I don't know why but seeing him in that hospital bed cemented it for me. I read his file and found out he hanged himself. I knew almost instantly that's what I'd do. This was about 8 months ago and I broke down about it at first, spoke to professionals and nearly got admitted (funnily enough my referral to the mental hospital got rejected for being too high risk). I started a new job this year and I've been masking so well I don't even know how to ask for help. It's my dream job and I love it, I genuinely cant complain at all and if this doesn't make me happy idk what will. That was kind of the final nail in the coffin. I'm waiting til the end of my lease so I don't inconvenience my flatmates more than I need to.

 

[burninghill]

It is crazy how people don't take this shit seriously until you have active intent or are dead. I didn't understand the phrase 'they only care once you're dead' until I became actively suicidal.

For me, I was passively suicidal for 6 years and then became actively suicidal. I tried to kill myself a few times before falling deeper into my depression and becoming burnt out. This exhaustion caused me to fall back into passive ideation. It sucks, I wish I wanted to die as much as I did before.
The switch flipped for me after a specific event, but also after finding a method that is almost definitely lethal (if you don't back out), which made me more confident in my capability.

 

[_Gollum_]

Passively suicidal for 4 years, then switched to actively suicidal for about 6 months, during which time I made a few failed attempts, then switched back to being passively suicidal (where I've unfortunately been since).

What made the "switch" flip was ironically my most sincere attempt at recovery. I became happier, and less suicidal, but I still had no will to live. But the effort it took to get me there drained me, and I saw that the result--the best life I could reasonably hope for--was not worth it. The exhaustion sent me into a deep depression, and I had this intuitive sense that this was the end for me. I had had my time, both good and bad, and my story was now over. I felt like an 80-year-old on their death bed. Ready to go. Unfortunately I didn't have a reliable method at the time, so I missed this golden window, and eventually "recharged" enough (from 5% to 30% let's say) to muddle through.

I really relate to your feeling that it's too late for you now. I feel that my time being actively suicidal permanently changed something in me. I am no longer willing to even entertain the idea of living now, or of getting better. I'm just forever ambling towards the exit.

 

[OzymandiAsh]

I was passively suicidal for a very long time- over 30 years. It's only properly moved into the active stage of researching and aquiring a method because- I must be finally approaching the time I can do it. I always wanted to wait for certain loved ones to go first. My Dad is the last remaining one.

I have researched methods in the past but, it wasn't really a serious proposition back then.

I suppose the main emotions I feel are fear of going through with it. Also, frustration- if I'm honest. That I'm more or less practically ready to go but, still feel like I can't.

I have heard that kind of response from helplines though too. A work colleague once rang one but said- once they found out she didn't have a method prepared, they weren't all that interested.

I agree though- that is weird. Why not take people seriously enough to help them when they are still at the passively suicidal stage?

Woah, 30 years is a long time. There are many people in this thread and the forum who describe being suicidal basically their whole lives, even as young children, which is surprising to me. Despite all the stuff I went through, I loved life and held hope for a good future until about 6 years ago.

I've been passively suicidal for about 10 years, since I was an early teen. I've never really seen a future for myself and I've kind of always known I'd die by my own hand. The switch for me was treating a patient who was almost successful (and did eventually pass). I don't know why but seeing him in that hospital bed cemented it for me. I read his file and found out he hanged himself. I knew almost instantly that's what I'd do. This was about 8 months ago and I broke down about it at first, spoke to professionals and nearly got admitted (funnily enough my referral to the mental hospital got rejected for being too high risk). I started a new job this year and I've been masking so well I don't even know how to ask for help. It's my dream job and I love it, I genuinely cant complain at all and if this doesn't make me happy idk what will. That was kind of the final nail in the coffin. I'm waiting til the end of my lease so I don't inconvenience my flatmates more than I need to.

Whaaat??? How can you get rejected from mental hospital for being too "high risk"? Unless that is high risk for other patients, lol. (facepalm)

It is crazy how people don't take this shit seriously until you have active intent or are dead. I didn't understand the phrase 'they only care once you're dead' until I became actively suicidal.

For me, I was passively suicidal for 6 years and then became actively suicidal. I tried to kill myself a few times before falling deeper into my depression and becoming burnt out. This exhaustion caused me to fall back into passive ideation. It sucks, I wish I wanted to die as much as I did before.
The switch flipped for me after a specific event, but also after finding a method that is almost definitely lethal (if you don't back out), which made me more confident in my capability.

The switch for me was also an event / trauma, although eventually it probably would have happened anyway, but that shit sped it up by a lot

 

[pelicanportal]

The switch to active is definitely different, you're right and I am glad someone put that feeling into words.

Suicidal ideation has come and gone and, while I have been serious about it before, there is a sort of "switch" like you said where whatever was holding you back doesn't matter. And once you hit that switch everything changes. I hit it in November. I have passively collected some methods or access to methods for near a decade, but it is a different game once you're active with no reasons to turn back. Doing the research and realizing the medicine I had been collecting/hoarding is unlikely to do it. That the nitrite I obtained was no good. That gun fatality does have bad odds at putting you as a vegetable. That my employer's life insurance has a three year clause before it would pay out (that one won't stop me, no spouse or kids so who cares it was for my parent who will manage).

Writing out the note. Sorting out your space and belongings. Preparation for pets. Designating what happens to your body afterwards for ease for family. Ideation is contemplating and maybe journaling out your note...Active is so different. It is more raw. It's ugly. I cry a lot but I feel more at peace than when I did ideating. That was depression. This is the end.

It is scary and I need to lock in at least one preferred message (you fucking SN DSL people please stop bragging and shoot me a DM please) but you hit that switch, the end outweighs the reasons to stay, and that determination. It is a different game. Wishing some cosmic force could stop you but knowing it won't, and now we can't be convinced and wish people wouldn't try... different beast.

I wish us peace for whatever happens, one way or another.

 

[walliwalli]

still not 100% set on it but i definitely experienced a kind of switch a couple months ago. it was in december, and i thought maybe the holidays just had me feeling weird, but the feeling persisted to january and now february. it's scary. i remember in early december, i was consoling a friend over his mental health struggles and i had implied something about my own suicidal thoughts being in the past—which i fully thought was the truth at that time. i really thought i was doing okay the past couple of years and that no matter how tough life got, i would always continue living. and now i'm on the complete opposite side.

i think there'll be another switch when/if i 100% commit to it and start counting my remaining days. because right now i've done the research and began placing orders for my method but i'm still staying consistent with my responsibilities. i think that second switch will be freeing.

 

[OzymandiAsh]

The switch to active is definitely different, you're right and I am glad someone put that feeling into words.

Suicidal ideation has come and gone and, while I have been serious about it before, there is a sort of "switch" like you said where whatever was holding you back doesn't matter. And once you hit that switch everything changes. I hit it in November. I have passively collected some methods or access to methods for near a decade, but it is a different game once you're active with no reasons to turn back. Doing the research and realizing the medicine I had been collecting/hoarding is unlikely to do it. That the nitrite I obtained was no good. That gun fatality does have bad odds at putting you as a vegetable. That my employer's life insurance has a three year clause before it would pay out (that one won't stop me, no spouse or kids so who cares it was for my parent who will manage).

Writing out the note. Sorting out your space and belongings. Preparation for pets. Designating what happens to your body afterwards for ease for family. Ideation is contemplating and maybe journaling out your note...Active is so different. It is more raw. It's ugly. I cry a lot but I feel more at peace than when I did ideating. That was depression. This is the end.

It is scary and I need to lock in at least one preferred message (you fucking SN DSL people please stop bragging and shoot me a DM please) but you hit that switch, the end outweighs the reasons to stay, and that determination. It is a different game. Wishing some cosmic force could stop you but knowing it won't, and now we can't be convinced and wish people wouldn't try... different beast.

I wish us peace for whatever happens, one way or another.

In my case while I was passively suicidal I didn't collect any methods or really think about it in depth, obviously I had some basic ideas like jumping off a cliff or OD on meds but that was it, more romantic images of suicide than concrete methods. So the fact that you've been collecting methods for so long seems to suggest you've been actively suicidal for a while, at least more actively than me.

 

[metfan647]

Passively so for 25 years roughly. Had a few moments where I considered to a more active degree. The big change came around 1.5 years ago when I really started to plan. My mind just failed me. I lost the small bit of hope and desire to go on I once had.

 

[hurb]

was suicidal since forever , but at some point i said maybe i should give life a chance, but it started fucking with me.
it clearly didnt work out , so it was my Q that it was time;
You know its over when u cant see any hope ahead

 

[OzymandiAsh]

was suicidal since forever , but at some point i said maybe i should give life a chance, but it started fucking with me.
it clearly didnt work out , so it was my Q that it was time;
You know its over when u cant see any hope ahead

When the dawn is lost

 

[_Gollum_]

@OzymandiAsh thanks for posting this thread, the responses have been really interesting

 

[pelicanportal]

In my case while I was passively suicidal I didn't collect any methods or really think about it in depth, obviously I had some basic ideas like jumping off a cliff or OD on meds but that was it, more romantic images of suicide than concrete methods. So the fact that you've been collecting methods for so long seems to suggest you've been actively suicidal for a while, at least more actively than me.

Similarly ideation in just "hey people can suicide from x or y or z, I will obtain some of these" and sitting on it but not having actively done the true proper research to realize that no, amitryptaline is not a viable suicide method, no 5% liquid sodium nitrite won't do the job, no guns are not the preferred method for me personally, etc etc. Doing the real research is when it went to active.

Also when we realize... it's actually kind of hard to die when you're trying, isn"t it? Even jumping or single-car-colission, that SI is strong. Still kind of haunted by the member that choise IV sepsis.

 

[ropemaxxingorsmth]

I've always been at least somewhat suicidal for most of my life but now I'm 100% certain that I have to ctb and I've always known that there wont be a light at the end of the tunnel as long as im still deformed. I tried to fight for as long as I possibly could but pretty soon after I lost all of my friends and full control over my voice/hands I realized that there's no way I could keep going on like this if I can't even have online friends or do literally any task at half the speed I used to.

 

[lpdsvm]

It started with covid, then it made me realize how easy it is to be mistreated combined with uncertainty, and no skills. By active I think it's when I started to research actively. Not sure when exactly but right after or a little bit before the covid mess ended.

 

[VanillaBeam]

I was passively suicidal for a few years but I became actively suicidal soon after I was put on medications for it. Now it goes up and down every few days for me.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Whaaat??? How can you get rejected from mental hospital for being too "high risk"? Unless that is high risk for other patients, lol. (facepalm)

My thoughts exactly. I have never ever been a danger to anyone but myself. I think they were worried I'd hang myself with the bedsheets or something and they didn't want the liability. It's absolutely ridiculous.

 

[Bitch With An Apple]

I think what being actively suicidal means for me has shifted over time. When I was younger it was a manic, determined force of will. But not one that was strong enough to overcome SI once I actually made an attempt and the terror took over. Now I try to focus on making peace and acceptance in the hopes that I can bypass terror altogether. That might be unrealistic, but there are people who are at peace when they die and I'd like for my death to be like that. Still untested, because there are a few things holding me back from making a sincere attempt now. But I know with the way things are going, I'm going to have to face it soon enough.

I felt like an 80-year-old on their death bed. Ready to go. Unfortunately I didn't have a reliable method at the time, so I missed this golden window, and eventually "recharged" enough (from 5% to 30% let's say) to muddle through.

I can relate to this, I think. That "deathbed" feeling happens to me transiently now. I felt it weakly just this morning. There was a small chance/window of opportunity where I could've impulsively done it then and there. Then I took a nap, had a bad dream, and woke up feeling "normal" again.

 

[OzymandiAsh]

My thoughts exactly. I have never ever been a danger to anyone but myself. I think they were worried I'd hang myself with the bedsheets or something and they didn't want the liability. It's absolutely ridiculous.

That's extremely dumb because mental hospitals are designed not to have anchor points. Can I ask what country this was in? I just got sectioned recently in the UK because I was high risk and my family raised the alarms