R. A.
But...the future refused to change.
- Aug 8, 2022
- 1,323
This came to me lately and I mulled it over a few days. It's been helping me feel a bit better about the fact that I am still sitting on my ass not killing myself like a whiny baby, when really all logical points indicate it is the rational option. Nothing major here, likely not even new; just something I found in the back of my brain and gave shape. Maybe it's in others' too and maybe this will help someone with the "WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!?"-type thoughts I often see posted here. I haven't encountered it before, so:
The whole goal of most suicides, contrary to what "they" say, is escaping suffering—suffering that is usually impressed upon us by external factors, forces outside our control.
The paradox of suicide is that, in most cases—to varying degrees, with or without cognitive awareness—committing suicide is deliberately subjecting ourselves to one of the most suffering-inducing experiences we can possibly have. To the point the body may literally go on autopilot to stop "you" from killing "it" (there are plenty of examples on this site of this).
Aside from the obvious problem, there's the less obvious one of agency. To a point, at least for me, there's something fundamentally different (at least on its face) about the idea of passively accepting the suffering caused by bullshit that the world throws at me which makes me want to off myself, and me being the acting agent behind the most extreme experience of suffering imaginable.
A lot of people here talking about their circumstances being their "own fault" or the like, but I don't think that's the same. Most of the time such accounts seem to be couched in stories about societal rejection, lack of ability/ies, efforts (of any kind) in life failing, or false perceptions of worth due to monstrous upbringings causing people to internalize an artificial (though not to them) sense of inherent inferiority and/or inadequacy.
All of these to me still fall under the umbrella of unintentional suffering. Even "unhealthy coping mechanisms" are done for immediate gratification; undesirable outcomes are just part of the cost (drug addiction for obvious example: the act of taking the drug is immediate, pleasurable and what is desired; things like withdrawal and subsequent deleterious life events are mere aftereffects and, if you're a "high-functioning" addict with connections, may not even be part of the picture).
Suicide is different.
Unless you're lucky enough to have barbiturates, the thing we're truly after comes only after/with a massive potential of anguish; the utterly unknowability of the process, whether it fails, changing our minds, being "saved", simply failing, ending up worse off afterward in any number of ways, etc. etc.
If I shoot up see heroin, I know I'll get high and feel good. If I drink some SN, I have no fucking clue what will happen. And no way to know, given every experience is different and we really can't "test run" dying. We either die, or we don't.
And it's all that comes along with the "when we don't" that very justifiably throws a massive iron bar in the spokes of our bike wheels.
The whole goal of most suicides, contrary to what "they" say, is escaping suffering—suffering that is usually impressed upon us by external factors, forces outside our control.
The paradox of suicide is that, in most cases—to varying degrees, with or without cognitive awareness—committing suicide is deliberately subjecting ourselves to one of the most suffering-inducing experiences we can possibly have. To the point the body may literally go on autopilot to stop "you" from killing "it" (there are plenty of examples on this site of this).
Aside from the obvious problem, there's the less obvious one of agency. To a point, at least for me, there's something fundamentally different (at least on its face) about the idea of passively accepting the suffering caused by bullshit that the world throws at me which makes me want to off myself, and me being the acting agent behind the most extreme experience of suffering imaginable.
A lot of people here talking about their circumstances being their "own fault" or the like, but I don't think that's the same. Most of the time such accounts seem to be couched in stories about societal rejection, lack of ability/ies, efforts (of any kind) in life failing, or false perceptions of worth due to monstrous upbringings causing people to internalize an artificial (though not to them) sense of inherent inferiority and/or inadequacy.
All of these to me still fall under the umbrella of unintentional suffering. Even "unhealthy coping mechanisms" are done for immediate gratification; undesirable outcomes are just part of the cost (drug addiction for obvious example: the act of taking the drug is immediate, pleasurable and what is desired; things like withdrawal and subsequent deleterious life events are mere aftereffects and, if you're a "high-functioning" addict with connections, may not even be part of the picture).
Suicide is different.
Unless you're lucky enough to have barbiturates, the thing we're truly after comes only after/with a massive potential of anguish; the utterly unknowability of the process, whether it fails, changing our minds, being "saved", simply failing, ending up worse off afterward in any number of ways, etc. etc.
If I shoot up see heroin, I know I'll get high and feel good. If I drink some SN, I have no fucking clue what will happen. And no way to know, given every experience is different and we really can't "test run" dying. We either die, or we don't.
And it's all that comes along with the "when we don't" that very justifiably throws a massive iron bar in the spokes of our bike wheels.
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