Venting The older I get, the less practical it becomes to die.

[sdco23]

On my fourteenth birthday, my mom walked in on my partial suspension attempt. She called me an idiot and left my room.
It's been just about a decade now, a few attempts and failed plans later, and I always feel regret about not doing it sooner. I've only had one opportunity for full suspension - back in 2023. I wish I took that. I just knew my relative would find me, and she cares the most about me in my family. Her sister already died in the bathroom of that house a few years earlier. I'm put off by the idea of disturbing her more.

As I get older, I have greater obligations to others and more responsibilities. It's more selfish than ever to die. I have a little dog now, he's so sweet. What would he do if I died? I wonder about filling his bowl up high sometimes and following through partial suspension, but I get scared about how long his food and water would last. I live alone. My relative has been messaging me more because she's worried about me. Maybe she would save him if I didn't respond for a day. Idk.

I wish I could disappear and be forgotten- and also for my dog's safety. He's technically an ESA since I used to not go outside for days-months at a time. I love him and my relative so much.

A few years ago, before him, I wasn't on my relative's radar as much. Now, she's like my mom. If I'd done it a few years ago, it probably would've hurt her less than it would now. She wants the best for me, but I'm starting to think that the best for me is death. grrrr wtf

 

[Dingusguy]

It does seem more and more impractical honestly, family and pets are a blessing and a curse. I decided long a go I didn't want to live anymore but for some odd reason I got myself pets too. Now they rely on me, and I do not wish to hurt my parents, or friends with my passing.

I just sort of exist for the sake and feelings of others now so I think I understand what you're feeling, being cared for and caring for others is hard, and it makes leaving even harder

I hope you can find a way to clear your mind. And I hope you end up feeling better I wish the best to you and your little dog.

 

[tonicer]

I have a similar problem. I want to disappear into nothingness and get rid of this curse but my mother, who always was and still is very nice, understanding and loving to me, is still alive so i have to wait for her to die first. I can't break her heart. She is the only person that gives a fuck about me. She's old (~80) and her health is slowly declining. I guess maybe 10 years maximum. I have to somehow make it, for her sake alone. Take good care of your dog and your relative. We both have to endure this shit a bit longer.