Bit of a spoiler here: In the film, Inception, 2010, do you remember the scene where: the protagonist is explaining- that in order to 'save' his wife from effectively a dream, fantasy world- that she believes to be reality, he implants a single idea into her head: That the world she is living in isn't real. Of course, it 'saves' her from the dream world but then, condemns her in reality because she also believes that one isn't real either.
Do you feel like there's a single thought or question even, that defines your reality? For me- it is pretty much always: I don't want to do this. Why am I doing this?
That applies to so many things in life. There are of course, one or two I don't mind so much- playing video games, eating. But- you need to do a bunch of other stuff alongside them to afford them so ultimately- they don't feel worth it either.
But, knowing I'm effectively not ultimately doing these things for me. They are mostly all to support a life I don't even want, it's just becoming so tiring/ frustrating.
Perhaps when I was younger, I could believe I was doing things to hopefully improve my life. I guess I'm just old/ experienced enough to realise that those things ended up not being worth it in the past so- why would they now?
To the point that I'm simply not doing things- unless I pretty much have to. Or, I'm continually feeling resentful while I do them. All so that my suicide doesn't upset the one person (my Dad,) who landed me in this mess to begin with! It just seems grossly unfair that life is set up like this.
Sometimes I feel so angry too. I was put in touch with a 'helpline' following the IC SN welfare checks years back. The woman that later called me back really tried to guilt trip me- think what it would do to your loved ones? I wanted to ask her what she thought I'd been doing the past 35 years I've had ideation. Really though- I'm so sick of feeling and being made to feel like we should have to bear all the suffering- so they don't have to. I wonder if they truly ever gave us the same level of consideration in life.
I suppose partially, I'm doing it for me. I don't want the guilt now of knowing what it would likely do to him. But then, that doesn't feel like a kind thing to impose on someone either. I think we have such an idealised view of love. That it's such a purely good force. But, it creates attachments and detachments that cause considerable pain. It makes us act selfishly. It traps us.
I don't know. I'm just feeling grumpy because I'm so tired of playing this role.
Do you feel like there's a single thought or question even, that defines your reality? For me- it is pretty much always: I don't want to do this. Why am I doing this?
That applies to so many things in life. There are of course, one or two I don't mind so much- playing video games, eating. But- you need to do a bunch of other stuff alongside them to afford them so ultimately- they don't feel worth it either.
But, knowing I'm effectively not ultimately doing these things for me. They are mostly all to support a life I don't even want, it's just becoming so tiring/ frustrating.
Perhaps when I was younger, I could believe I was doing things to hopefully improve my life. I guess I'm just old/ experienced enough to realise that those things ended up not being worth it in the past so- why would they now?
To the point that I'm simply not doing things- unless I pretty much have to. Or, I'm continually feeling resentful while I do them. All so that my suicide doesn't upset the one person (my Dad,) who landed me in this mess to begin with! It just seems grossly unfair that life is set up like this.
Sometimes I feel so angry too. I was put in touch with a 'helpline' following the IC SN welfare checks years back. The woman that later called me back really tried to guilt trip me- think what it would do to your loved ones? I wanted to ask her what she thought I'd been doing the past 35 years I've had ideation. Really though- I'm so sick of feeling and being made to feel like we should have to bear all the suffering- so they don't have to. I wonder if they truly ever gave us the same level of consideration in life.
I suppose partially, I'm doing it for me. I don't want the guilt now of knowing what it would likely do to him. But then, that doesn't feel like a kind thing to impose on someone either. I think we have such an idealised view of love. That it's such a purely good force. But, it creates attachments and detachments that cause considerable pain. It makes us act selfishly. It traps us.
I don't know. I'm just feeling grumpy because I'm so tired of playing this role.
