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metfan647

Member
Jun 12, 2025
37
Hi all,

Can anyone relate to this? I just had a car-crash interview which involved a presentation in front of a panel. It was truly awful. I have terrible social and performance anxiety so I prepared extensively and took Propanolol. Neither helped.

It got me thinking, why, if I claim to be so ready to check out, am I still looking to improve my quality of life? Am I fooling myself? Am I on here to look for excuses to not kill myself? Am I looking to connect with like-minded people rather than ctb?

On a conscious level, I want to die and these feelings are growing stronger, but I'm making very conscious decisions which contradict that desire. I suppose it's okay...dare I say, a good thing if I'm still trying to find some modicum of hope.
 
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Sadbanana

God doesn't care
Aug 20, 2024
85
I experienced this from the opposite perspective. I stopped persuing any long term goals, stopped exercising and taking care of me. Because what would be the point if I'm going to die anyways.

One of the reasons I noticed was that I was trying to push myself into suicide, by actively sabotaging my life. Problem is that even at my lowest I just wasn't able to do it.

I wouldn't recommend going that path, because it's possible you won't be able to cbt and then have to live your ruined life on top of it.

If one day suddenly the motivation to cbt comes, it won't matter whether you followed your goals or not. So you are probably better off to keep your life functioning till it happens.
 
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DoublingDown

Member
Sep 6, 2025
18
I can definitely relate. This one tiny shred of hope things will turn around is still there, but it has no way of distracting from the massive amounts of trauma and mental illness that cause me to suffer every day.

When I first came here, reading people's goodbye posts or detailing their methods helped me see I wasn't THAT bad. I wasn't willing to spend hundreds of dollars even if I had it to die. I wasn't willing to sniff out a SN source. It was also a way for me to actively gauge how I'm doing, and watching myself slowly decline as I did begin to try to find sources, I did find a method that was feasible for me. I actively communicate this decline to my therapist because I DON'T want to die. I just don't want to be in pain anymore, and if there's a chance I can get better I want to find it.

Being somewhere that people understood what it feels like to live day in and day out wanting to die, planning to die, helps a lot. I think a lot of people here suffer from isolation in one form or another. Having this community helps that. In my life I have no friends. I haven't texted anyone except my fiance in over 2 years. Not one phone call or text from an old friend or acquaintance. At least here I can interact with people.

I don't think it's a bad thing to not want to die. I can't get behind the whole "everything is horrible all the time, why would anyone ever be willing to live" or antinatalism that I see here. I see my suffering and want to die as my own doing, not the world's. It's a personal failure in my eyes how I've lived my life and I simply don't want to be this way anymore. Everyone has their own reason for being here, what they want to get out of it.
 
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Vlad Tepes

Vlad Tepes

Student
Jun 24, 2025
123
I experienced this from the opposite perspective. I stopped persuing any long term goals, stopped exercising and taking care of me. Because what would be the point if I'm going to die anyways.

One of the reasons I noticed was that I was trying to push myself into suicide, by actively sabotaging my life. Problem is that even at my lowest I just wasn't able to do it.

I wouldn't recommend going that path, because it's possible you won't be able to cbt and then have to live your ruined life on top of it.

If one day suddenly the motivation to cbt comes, it won't matter whether you followed your goals or not. So you are probably better off to keep your life functioning till it happens.
Im exactly like this too.
 
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Aergia

Aergia

Wizard
Jun 20, 2023
651
I experienced this from the opposite perspective. I stopped persuing any long term goals, stopped exercising and taking care of me. Because what would be the point if I'm going to die anyways.
This is where I'm at now. Can't seem to care about the long-term on an emotional level and am pretty much sabotaging myself despite knowing that even if it does all go to shit I still probably won't be able to follow through with the actual act.
 
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mysticatedwine

mysticatedwine

rotting autistic sun
Mar 4, 2025
121
i am somewhere inbetween the two extremes you all seem to mention:

- on one hand, i continue acting as if i was going to live for a long time. i continue to study, to exercise a little, etc... because i might not be able to commit suicide.
- on the other hand, whenever something doesn't go my way anymore, whereas it would hurt me a lot back then, now i just think "why bother feeling bad about it? in 6 months i'll have returned to nothing."
 
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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
13,030
For me, it's more that I know I want to go but, I don't know when I can- I've been trying to hold on for my Dad to go first.

I'm not a masochist so- I don't want my life getting any worse. Which means keeping up with the essentials- even if they're horrible. I've slipped recently with health and hygiene to an extent and started to suffer the consequences- so- I'm going to have to address that or, be prepared to suffer more. It's shit really- because it feels like there's suffering either way!

I have read multiple members actively trying to make their lives worse to force them into CTB. I can't say that appeals to me though. I don't want to feel panicked/ pressured into doing it. I suppose I have this naive hope that I won't ultimately need a push of things being anymore difficult than they already are to do it but, I suppose only time will tell.
 
sadbones

sadbones

New Member
Jun 11, 2024
3
Yeah I'm doing all the "right" things, got a better job, contributing to my retirement, making time to see friends and family, but I see it as a path and I can always divert to CTB if needed. I feel miserable but I know that even at my lowest my SI was stronger, so I might as well try to make a comfortable life for my dog and me for now.
 
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cherrypitlover03

Member
Nov 30, 2024
14
I recently stopped pursuing any long term goals. Dropped out of college for the third time. Quit my job. I just can't take it anymore. I NEED the end to be here imminently.
 

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