Venting talking normal to others while actively planning to ctb, anyone else?

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I just have been unable to make any friends that really know me, so since all my friendships are very superficial I have no problem hiding it from my friends, as for my family they are pretty distant to so it is also easy to hide it with a "I'm ok, I am just tired" or something like that.

Yeah I use the "I'm just tired" one a lot.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

Yes I live my every day hiding/glossing over the reality of how much I'm suffering. Suffering in the sense of physical pain, mental distress, 'events', etc. I go to work as trying to play off that I'm in pain by isolating myself from others by always doing tasks. I talk to people as if I'm not constantly wishing and actively thinking about ways to end it. I ignore the words from my mom so as to not give away the fact that I am one "well I can't do anything right" away from brutally stabbing myself to death. I Make future plans with my friends thinking to myself, while I do want to be with you and do that thing, that I really really don't want to be alive then. Or while others talk about there dreams for the future I just smile and nod knowing my only dreams for the future are to END up in peace. I go through my daily life living like a zombie while also as somebody about to/actively having a crash out/breakdown. People know that it's there obviously and I'll mention it every now and then. But it's still something I try not to show others, partly because I don't want others to feel bad, annoyed, or as if they need to do something. I don't entirely feel ashamed of it or anything, although sometimes I worry that through my efforts of trying to hide it but it still being my reality it comes across as fake/attention seeking when I do show it/am not able to hide it enough. And that hurts in many ways…
But I do find it wierd that this is how I/we live our normal lives. Just going through the motions, communicating, and acting all 'dandy' while in our own reality we're actively searching for ways to stop our suffering.

 

[wannabeangel]

I lie to my partner and one of my best friends, it is horrible. I feel like I am betraying them. It breaks my heart so much to be making plans with my partner, telling them their new shoelaces are pretty, asking them how they are, knowing I'll break their heart. I hate that I'll inevitably hurt them. My other best friend wants to ctb too so I tell him everything.

god this is so real.... im the same with my husband, well, i guess soon to be ex husband once papers are done... it feels like im betraying him and anyone else close to me, it just makes everything so much harder and heartbreaking. but my heart can only be broken so many times until its dust, its starting to make ctb the better option for me. i told him and others i would be safe, but i dont think so for long. not sure how long, but its getting too close to the point of no return

 

[Mooseanonsky]

I'm lying to everyone. My therapist thinks I'm doing amazing because I lied to her for years about my progress. My doctors think I'm okay. Family, I barely talk to them so they know nothing. My roommate/friend probably has some idea of how I truly feel but I doubt he'll intervene.

Nobody knows how fucked up I feel, the dark thoughts I have, yearning to gather the courage to end everything but I'm limited by my stupid ass brain.

I honestly wish I could just stop existing, even if it means never experiencing the rare good things in my life. Even if death sounds terrifying because there's probably no afterlife, I'm starting to come to terms with the thought of not existing being better than whatever the fuck this is.

 

[meatballlover]

i would have just added this to my vent thread, but something i wrote in it made it set to be approved (i think ik what words triggered it but i didn't do nun) so just making a new thread to ask this question. does anyone else who has maybe a few online friends, or live with family members, keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans? i caught myself searching where to get SN while my friend texts me asking if im doing good because before i said i was too anxious to play vrchat (i was, but not for the reasons i said to him) and im texting him happy normal like "hii ya im oki dw my brain is just having a moment, im fine tho" and reacting normally to memes and jokes or whatever, while 90% of my tabs open are on how to ctb. im the same with anyone who talks to me, i keep telling everyone im fine even though this is as far as my ideation has gone in a loooooooooooong time and is in risky town now. my attempts in the past were impulsive, this time i am actually putting thought into everything which shocks part of me kinda

i wonder if anyone else does the same thing, and how to cope with it, because its exhausting sometimes pretending to be fine all the time, but its not like i can say anything truly, i dont want people to know or stop me when i actually make the choice. i dont want them guessing whats going on with me early on too and stopping me from getting supplies and everything, or finding note drafts too early

Yes all the time. And i live and always lived with the same mentality. I never truly showed my true colors to anybody.

 

[HansaNull]

I have this facade i use amongst my peers, alone i'm fucking miserable

 

[iset]

I can relate so much to the things you all mentioned. So much more than I can put it into words...

 

[flatyeticorn]

i would have just added this to my vent thread, but something i wrote in it made it set to be approved (i think ik what words triggered it but i didn't do nun) so just making a new thread to ask this question. does anyone else who has maybe a few online friends, or live with family members, keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans? i caught myself searching where to get SN while my friend texts me asking if im doing good because before i said i was too anxious to play vrchat (i was, but not for the reasons i said to him) and im texting him happy normal like "hii ya im oki dw my brain is just having a moment, im fine tho" and reacting normally to memes and jokes or whatever, while 90% of my tabs open are on how to ctb. im the same with anyone who talks to me, i keep telling everyone im fine even though this is as far as my ideation has gone in a loooooooooooong time and is in risky town now. my attempts in the past were impulsive, this time i am actually putting thought into everything which shocks part of me kinda

i wonder if anyone else does the same thing, and how to cope with it, because its exhausting sometimes pretending to be fine all the time, but its not like i can say anything truly, i dont want people to know or stop me when i actually make the choice. i dont want them guessing whats going on with me early on too and stopping me from getting supplies and everything, or finding note drafts too early

Absolutely! My spouse has zero clue. Neither does my adult child. I just walk through life with a fake smile, telling everyone that I'm doing ok…while I collect pills, while I collect death masks, while I count minutes until I can disappear.

 

[wannabeangel]

Absolutely! My spouse has zero clue. Neither does my adult child. I just walk through life with a fake smile, telling everyone that I'm doing ok…while I collect pills, while I collect death masks, while I count minutes until I can disappear.

i wish you didnt have to feel the same, my STBX husband has no clue how bad it truly is, and i tell him and my parents i will be safe i promise with a smile on my face, while i figure out how to get SN or make an exit bag just in case. technically safe from myself and others if i am not breathing, not sure if it counts as fully breaking my promise

 

[napsterbuscatcher]

i feel like pretending has become somewhat easier recently, as i'm getting closer to having the materials and set date for my death. the thought brings me so much comfort i have been able to cope better, and therefore have bee able to pretend to be getting better.

 

[Deer_Dairy]

I do this every day. Only thing hard to fake for me is work. My effectivity went much down. But other things? Everythings normal. Of course it is!
I am discussing the plans for summer and so. And I know I will most probably won't be alive in next two weeks.

 

[Riu]

Yes, I act very normal, but maybe a bit distant. I used to try to make friends and meet new people, or try to achieve something small or big. I feel like I've accepted everything and I'm ready to die, so I have just been letting the days pass.