survival instinct is making me want to send cry for help texts even though it's dumb

[monetpompo]

i do want to die if i'm contemplating it so heavily, but then my brain tries to look for any source of help so that someone stops me from doing it. i've been having so many intrusive thoughts about sending embarrassing texts about wanting to die and asking people i'm on bad terms/aren't close with to talk to me. messages like, "please talk to me!! i'm gonna hang myself! please come see me now now now!!!". like who cares lol

my thoughts have been relatively messy since i got here, but the reason people wanted to stop talking me is because i keep on having mood swings i can't really control. i feel like i'm not really someone worth caring about if my mood keeps swinging back and forth and i spiral over literally everything because i think people don't care about me. the people i used to be close with already know the cycle i get stuck in of thinking that people don't care about me, isolating myself, and then asking them to talk to me again because i pushed them away. loneliness just unbearable. i'm stuck like this. i have no one that i can really tell how i feel. it's been like that for a while because i know i'm just going to be tuned out or reported to the police again. i'm so fried.



suicide is just so lonely and boring. time passes so slowly in between attempts. all i did today was watch youtube videos and walk outside. i have so much time to reflect on my life, and none of it means anything to me because i just want people the people in my life to stop changing so much. if people stayed as stagnant as me, they're want to die too. it's miserable to have no interests and be so desperate for people to be interested in you even though you don't really have anything to offer them. these past few weeks i have just been a husk. i don't want to seek help because i don't have the money. people don't realize that money is the only way you can actually get real help. i can get prescribed ssris/antipsychotics but i don't like taking medication imo. it ruins my appetite and makes me sleepy. getting hospitalized costs a lot of money too, but people don't mention that. my insurance is ass and my mom holds the hospital bill over my head, like she wants me to kill myself instead of pay for anymore of them. i've never had a job because of social anxiety so my mom thinks i'm too stupid to think for myself. she sees my depression as me being a burden because she doesn't understand why i'm depressed. i literally have nothing to be proud of in my life because i get too anxious that i won't be good at it.

i hate how badly i want people to care about me but i just have people get bored of me because i'm too depressing to be around or they realize that i'm kind of boring if they talk to me for too long. you can't guilt people into caring about you by saying you're going to kill yourself. you can't force people to comfort you. no one's going to actually save you from your suicide because other people have lives. becoming an adult means you need to know how to cope with your loneliness or it's going to eat you alive the way it did to me.

 

[tieiwi]

I'm sorry. I feel very similar to you. I want people to care but when I think about it I'm a pretty boring person. Over the years I have learned to keep to myself because of this. But it still sucks. I wish there was a button in life we could press, kind of like the exit button in a game, when we want to be done with life. I wish you luck with your financial situation. It's messed up how money has so much control over our lives. I hope you find peace my friend.

 

[monetpompo]

But it still sucks. I wish there was a button in life we could press, kind of like the exit button in a game, when we want to be done with life.

ever since i figured out that you can't kill yourself with over the counter medication or a chemical like bleach or drainer cleaner, i was like "i'll actually have to try???". getting more educated on suicide really has been a double edged sword. at first you think that you can just go to walmart and kill yourself with something that costs 8 dollars or something that you already have. it's never going to be easy, and even if you did have access to a method like SN (i'm too dumb to look for sources) you still hear about people hesitating even though death would be pretty certain with it. my whole life up until joining sasu i thought that death would be easy if i just chose to do it, but it isn't. after putting so much research and work into attempting i'm honestly mad that it wasn't as easy as pro-lifers said it would be.

my money situation will continue to be the reason i'm suicidal up until the day i die because i want my mon to stop holding money over my head. as long as i keep relying on her money i'm never going to become independent from her and she's always going to have power over me. since i was young i've always been stressed out about how much money i have since i realized that relying on my mentally unstable mom to make money isn't really sustainable when the rest of the family was too young to work.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Feel better. The hug button wasn't working.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm sorry, Monet. I understand the urge perfectly. Suicide is so lonely. It's natural to want someone to bare witness to your suffering and your exit. Don't be afraid to back out if you feel like it's not the right time. Trust your gut

 

[monetpompo]

I'm sorry, Monet. I understand the urge perfectly. Suicide is so lonely.

reaching out to people that care about me just makes things worse because i want to kill myself less. it's agonizing both ways whether i isolate or try to stay in touch with people that i think i'm burdening. i feel like my loneliness makes me come on really strong to people and hypersensitive to rejection at the same time. i don't want to stay here any longer but i think there's a difference between feeling so sad you would rather die and wanting to die regardless of how you feel. it's so hard to have such a firm mindset on it because i feel like i'm just looking for things to hold me back because i know my mom's response to me wanting to kill myself would just be to call the police on me so she doesn't have to deal with me. i just get seen as an ungrateful child or friend that's always freaking out about something. maybe i really am both.

thanks for commenting even though this was such an attention seeking post lol. sometimes i just have a really strong urge to say something and i want to make it a post so that my thoughts don't feel like they're in a vacuum. having regulars on here like you even though we're all kind of mutually suffering really makes this place feel like a community instead of a forum for sad people.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

You can talk with us, I don't mind personally. You don't need to attempt suicide out of existentialism or out of sadness and other problems for your actions to be valid. If you want to try to continue for yourself for the moment, you can, if you don't and feel like it's finally time, that's also fine. You are not lesser for doing one or the other in the eyes of the people that matter.

The people who bark and don't get it are not important and while growing thicker skin and coping helps against them, we never had a choice in that, you can be sensitive and cry or feel sad, you are allowed to, it's a natural response to what we got around us.

I also don't want to cope about the situation I'm in, coping sucks , I don't want to live in a fake world. I'd rather live with the suicidal thoughts until my natural death than live in a fake world as a "happy" person. But that's what I think.

 

[theboy]

This is how instinct works... For better or worse

 

[moonlightbeach]

wow this is really accurate to what i experienced.

part of why i did my attempt is because of attention that i wanted to have brought up about my issues because people wouldn't care otherwise (my friends grew up more more healthier). but now, 3 months later, nobody from my irl friends show that they give a shit about me, again. i don't talk to anyone besides you guys because i just lost all of my friends after my attempt, and to some degree i love it because i can do whatever the fuck i want all day.

agree with all of the other replies, especially @Wolf Girl .

sending love and thinking of you, <3

 

[a-fond-farewell]

i do want to die if i'm contemplating it so heavily, but then my brain tries to look for any source of help so that someone stops me from doing it. i've been having so many intrusive thoughts about sending embarrassing texts about wanting to die and asking people i'm on bad terms/aren't close with to talk to me. messages like, "please talk to me!! i'm gonna hang myself! please come see me now now now!!!". like who cares lol

my thoughts have been relatively messy since i got here, but the reason people wanted to stop talking me is because i keep on having mood swings i can't really control. i feel like i'm not really someone worth caring about if my mood keeps swinging back and forth and i spiral over literally everything because i think people don't care about me. the people i used to be close with already know the cycle i get stuck in of thinking that people don't care about me, isolating myself, and then asking them to talk to me again because i pushed them away. loneliness just unbearable. i'm stuck like this. i have no one that i can really tell how i feel. it's been like that for a while because i know i'm just going to be tuned out or reported to the police again. i'm so fried.

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suicide is just so lonely and boring. time passes so slowly in between attempts. all i did today was watch youtube videos and walk outside. i have so much time to reflect on my life, and none of it means anything to me because i just want people the people in my life to stop changing so much. if people stayed as stagnant as me, they're want to die too. it's miserable to have no interests and be so desperate for people to be interested in you even though you don't really have anything to offer them. these past few weeks i have just been a husk. i don't want to seek help because i don't have the money. people don't realize that money is the only way you can actually get real help. i can get prescribed ssris/antipsychotics but i don't like taking medication imo. it ruins my appetite and makes me sleepy. getting hospitalized costs a lot of money too, but people don't mention that. my insurance is ass and my mom holds the hospital bill over my head, like she wants me to kill myself instead of pay for anymore of them. i've never had a job because of social anxiety so my mom thinks i'm too stupid to think for myself. she sees my depression as me being a burden because she doesn't understand why i'm depressed. i literally have nothing to be proud of in my life because i get too anxious that i won't be good at it.

i hate how badly i want people to care about me but i just have people get bored of me because i'm too depressing to be around or they realize that i'm kind of boring if they talk to me for too long. you can't guilt people into caring about you by saying you're going to kill yourself. you can't force people to comfort you. no one's going to actually save you from your suicide because other people have lives. becoming an adult means you need to know how to cope with your loneliness or it's going to eat you alive the way it did to me.

yeah, I get that.

that's actually similar to how I met my closest online friend. I'll you the story.

on Discord servers, if you lurk around voicechat long enough, you end up meeting a few faces. some are regulars, some are newcomers, some just stay for a couple weeks and leave. you may friend some of these people just because you're acquainted with each other, but you don't really ever become close. the culture is just like, "I'll play games and chat with you if you'll play games and chat with me and we'll just have a good time and leave it at that" and that's that.

well, I had met this one guy. we just talked a little about this Minecraft mod and played on a server for a little. talked about building some stuff on the server together. we explored the server and he was talking about how much games helped him escape what happened to him as a child. we had simple fun and planned on building this megatree project.

my time had come though, I was determined to not make it past 18 (which I am now). I tend to get overly sentimental, so I said, "why the hell not, I'm never going to see him again", so I just dropped a message saying, "i know we didn't talk much, but from what we did talk about and exploring the server, i had a lot of fun. i wish i could help with the megatree, but i just can't take it anymore, you might know what i'm getting at, but i want to wish you well because i know you've gone through tough stuff as well. peace out and best wishes mate"

I didn't even expect him to respond in time, but he did immediately. we talked and I eventually went home, only to regain motivation and go to the bridge to jump off it. someone else talked me down, but once I came back from the hospital, he was still there. he was truly the only support I had during that time period. we got to know each other over time and we built on the friendship so it wasn't just defined by heavy stuff. I've known him for months now. we're just plain-old friends now. honest, communicative, direct, and we have great fun together. he's introduced me to his IRL friend group. a shit ton of new music I've never heard of. sometimes you meet people in your life who you think, my life would just be so much sadder without this person in it. I've had those kinds of people throughout my life and he is definitely one of those kinds of people. I don't know how I got so lucky. as cheesy as it sounds, I literally prayed for that exact type of friendship so intensely and it was fulfilled, whether that be by God or just coincindence. however it happened, I'm grateful. I was looking for the type of friendship where the other person is basically just on your same wavelength. the friendship that's just a relief. it makes me sad thinking about how my death will affect him. it makes me feel guilty for even being friends with him, to put him through that.

I guess there's really not the moral to the story and I went on a bit of a tangeant, but I definitely relate to what you're saying. I'll want to tell people exactly how I'm feeling as a cry for help, even just people I just met, but when people actually do offer to help, I back out and isolate or I'll convince myself that they're just trying to placate me.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Do you actually want to die, or are you just wanting to ctb as a cry for help? I don't think that what you are describing is due to your SI. An SI reaction would probably be more likely to go into fight or flight or seek out food when hungry. This sounds like you don't actually want to ctb but are in denial about it.

 

[Dejected 55]

I managed to cure myself from trying to reach out... after about a year of it. I finally finally realized no one cares, and especially not the one person I really wanted to care for me... and it was pointless to keep contacting and never getting anything in return. So it hurts, and I still wish I could connect, but I now accept that nothing I say or do matters in the slightest. It makes me a lot more lonely, because I don't even have that sad one-sided communicating of my thoughts and feelings anymore... but it is what it is and I'm trying to wind everything down these last couple of months.