Venting "Suicide isn't selfish" is complete bullshit and I'm a coward

[useruser888]

I'm a horrible person. I'm not going to argue with anyone about that. I'm failing school and it's my fault. I knew that not taking my assignments seriously would lead to me failing, and I accept that. But fuck, I have friends and family that care about me. One of my friends was lecturing me about my grades, and one of my friends told me what the "least" painful method is, and I don't want them to think that my suicide is their fault. I'd rather that they think I'm a selfish asshole that died because he couldn't handle the consequences of his actions. And it's very off topic to the original post, but I'm scared of what's gonna happen when I die. I don't want to go to hell, but the idea that my consciousness just stops and I don't exist anymore is scary too. I'm such a coward. I can't commit and I can't continue living.

 

[cyanidekitty]

man committing is never easy with most ppl & some people have to come to terms with their decision to.

i definitely understand how you're worried about what happens after you die but even if you weren't to lose your life to suicide, you still have to pass on someday. not tryna encourage suicide, thats just how i get past thinking about what happens after death (although i believe in reincarnation myself i also believe that whatever someone else truly believes in, thats what they'll get)

i also have friends and family that i guess care abt me but my mental betrays me allll the time which typically causes me to have suicidal thoughts & sh frequently (but wtv ive came to terms with that)
i get not wanting to leave your family n friends behind to deal w the pain you'd cause them but notes to reassure them that it isnt their fault or something to help them remember the memories yall made is always an option!

im sorry this is super conflicting for you, but dont force suicide upon yourself cause once you do it, thats it & its over. try to see where life takes you. i wish you the best

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I have a similar attitude. For me my suicide will be very selfish. I wasn't failed by anyone, I've been on the receiving end of a lot of love and compassion and I'm going to be throwing that back in their face in the biggest way imaginable. Part of the reason I'm even on this site is because how the suicide of someone close to me absolutely broke me.

The thing is, I deserve to suffer, I deserve to be unhappy. I want to die to escape the consequences of my own choices. But family? My friends (what few I have left)? They didn't do anything to deserve this kind of pain.

I understand your fear and uncertainty. It's far from a straight forward choice.

 

[NihilDoll]

To be perfectly honest, and please don't read this as critique or anything, i find the whole discussion about it being selfish or not entirely bizarre.
It always makes it sound like the default has to be altruism. As if you only exist for those surrounding you.
All you can ever be is yourself, your own person. And every person has their limits and breaking points.
Decisions aren't a one way street.
You're not the only one who needs to conform to others decision. If you made yours, it's no one else's fault. It's just a decision that has been made.

I'll have to chime in with @cyanidekitty, don't force this decision upon yourself.
If your heart wavers, take the opportunity to do some reevaluation. Your pain is incredibly relatable, and please don't think i'm trying to diminish it in any way, but your situation is not inescapable.
There are countless people who completely crashed out during school who ended up leading great lifes.

School is fucked. Everywhere. It's a system built for a different age that never evolved, because the people in charge have a "we've always done it that way" attitude.
There are those that can conform and there are those that just check out. That doesn't make you any worse if you ask me.
You're facing a system that expects everyone to conform to a standard simply not meant for this day and age anymore.

Small anecdote:
I was a horrible student myself to the point that i eventually skipped a whole year because i just couldn't take it anymore.
Bully victim, "weird kid" and quite frankly, i just didn't see the point of it all.
And then vocational school happened years later. The dumb kid that didn't go to regular school now was an A-grade student.
What changed? Context.
I knew why i was learning all that stuff. The context of it being work related changed everything.

You can make the decision to end it all whenever you like. You have a whole lifetime's worth of time for that.
But if your heart wavers, maybe all you need is a change of perspective.
There's this old video of an Australian man talking about water bottle prices.
"In the store, a water bottle costs 1 buck, in the cinema, it costs 3 and on an airplane it costs 5. Maybe you're not worthless, maybe you just need a change of location"

Maybe you're not half as horrible as you think. Maybe it's your situation, your surroundings that make you feel less valuable.
Take your hesitation to do some introspection. The world sucks, have you seen it recently? You can't be worse than that!