Suicide idealation ruins everything for me

[mordumfan]

Wanting to kill myself isnt a thing that I want to go away, well maybe it is but I know deeply if it went away it would come back soon anyways. But it has ruined pretty much everything for me, I want to kill myself now though unfortunately im stuck at a place I can't right now, so what am I supposed to do? I don't have any hobbies except playing dead by daylight which distracts me temporarily, only for a little bit until I get mad and give up. I don't want to start a new hobby, "whats the point if I'm going to kill myself anyways?" I can't do anything, my obsession with suicide will always come back, it always has. Every year i fall into depression, last year was the worst. Pretty much once a day I thought about it, yet never had the courage to go through with it obviously. But I don't want to get better either, if I do "get better" it will crash down in a matter of time. And yes, I don't want a job. Maybe I am a lazy piece of shit. This rant is very poorly put together I apologise to whoever reads this but i have very very mixed feelings about it and I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me

 

[countingthedays1211]

Yeah I know what you mean, I have some hobbies that make things better, but it all feels like a temporary distraction, you know?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can appreciate that it's a complete motivation killer. I do know how you feel there. How can anything matter that much with death as a preference? It can also feel frustrating too I find. When we feel like it's something we want but, can't have right now. But then also, for me- it's a comforting fall back. The idea of an escape if things become too hard. So- I don't think any of what you described are uncommon feelings (for suicidal people anyway.)

 

[mordumfan]

Yeah I know what you mean, I have some hobbies that make things better, but it all feels like a temporary distraction, you know?

Nothing ever feels like it's going to last man, it sucks

 

[NonEssential]

It's a double-edged sword, it gives relief yet also makes you less motivated.

 

[mordumfan]

It's a double-edged sword, it gives relief yet also makes you less motivated.

Absolutely

 

[InevitableDeath]

It does. Abusers know this and they will ensure that's how they make you. So you're not able to think of anything else but death.

Which is why the only way you can fight abusers is by killing them. Not ideal of course, but there it is.