Suicidality and never having been in love

[pellisetossium]

I'm curious about something that's happened to me my entire life and I wanted to see if it was a common feeling.
I'm 23 years old. I've had multiple romantic relationships, hookups, flings, all that, but I've never been in love with someone and I don't think I even have access to that feeling.
When I first started dating in my teens, I saw it as a "next stage" of friendship. "I appreciate this person so much that I'm going to do all these things that are reserved for a special someone with them". I never felt anything more than fleeting crushes on people that I maybe found a little bit more attractive or smart than the average person, and they went away as soon as the came. When people pursued me, I appreciated the attention, but it wasn't enough to make me interested. To this day, it's not difficult for me to feel attracted to someone, but I can never make the feeling last.
I have deep friendships that have taken years to form with people that I know I love and admire deeply. I love my line of work. I love the music I listen to, the books that I read, my family, my cat. I know love and I think I hold a lot of it, but I can never turn it into romance.
Not knowing how it's gonna end for me, at first I was preoccupied with the fact I was going to die while not having loved anyone, but I don't really care much for that now.
I don't know if there's something wrong with me. It feels like everyone had a meeting without me on how love should feel like.

 

[Macedonian1987]

In my entire life I was truly and madly in love with a woman only once. This happened to me when I was 13-14 years old. I was not depressed yet at that age. Then at the age of 16 my depression appeared and started ruining my life. It was then that I lost the capacity to truly love anyone. I had many crushes afterwards and one night stands, but I never really loved any woman ever again.

The only woman I ever loved didn't love me back, and many years later I found that she was a lesbian. Talk about having bad luck.

(Disclaimer: I have nothing against lesbians)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had maybe the reverse of this. In my younger years, I went through around 13 years of (likely) limerent crushes on guys. So- obsessively intense crushes. At the time- I assumed it was love. It was so intense after all. They were on my mind pretty much all the time.

I aimed too high and was too ugly to have any of them reciprocate. I wonder if any would have turned into a mutual love though. I'm not sure. I think I was more in love with the idea of them and a fairytale idea of love itself. So, I also feel like the actual thing illuded me.

Like you though- I've felt love towards friends, family, places, interests. So, I also have this vague idea of what it could be like. Just that the limerent version was borderline insane! I'd kind of selectively remember them. One crush even acted particularly cruel towards someone else- which ought to have been enough to put me off them but- I simply skimmed over that and reverted to idealizing them.

I actually got myself trapped like that for years because I felt that- because I could see their 'faults' but still 'loved' them- it must be love. It took years to start to question whether it was all that 'normal' or healthy.

Maybe I'm still a romantic at heart though because I feel like- the only reason you or I haven't experienced the real thing is- we haven't met the right match yet. Like you say- you can experience a form of it. I can too. I did 'love' my best friend- and, that strength of connection was almost immediate. I just think we're so complex as humans. So many likes and dislikes, needs. It's hard I imagine to pair two people who fulfil enough of each other's needs to make it work.

 

[pellisetossium]

I've had maybe the reverse of this. In my younger years, I went through around 13 years of (likely) limerent crushes on guys. So- obsessively intense crushes. At the time- I assumed it was love. It was so intense after all. They were on my mind pretty much all the time.

I aimed too high and was too ugly to have any of them reciprocate. I wonder if any would have turned into a mutual love though. I'm not sure. I think I was more in love with the idea of them and a fairytale idea of love itself. So, I also feel like the actual thing illuded me.

Like you though- I've felt love towards friends, family, places, interests. So, I also have this vague idea of what it could be like. Just that the limerent version was borderline insane! I'd kind of selectively remember them. One crush even acted particularly cruel towards someone else- which ought to have been enough to put me off them but- I simply skimmed over that and reverted to idealizing them.

I actually got myself trapped like that for years because I felt that- because I could see their 'faults' but still 'loved' them- it must be love. It took years to start to question whether it was all that 'normal' or healthy.

Maybe I'm still a romantic at heart though because I feel like- the only reason you or I haven't experienced the real thing is- we haven't met the right match yet. Like you say- you can experience a form of it. I can too. I did 'love' my best friend- and, that strength of connection was almost immediate. I just think we're so complex as humans. So many likes and dislikes, needs. It's hard I imagine to pair two people who fulfil enough of each other's needs to make it work.

I relate to your experience with limerence. For the longest time, I also forced myself to see the people I was dating or interested in as these almost perfect beings, but in my case, in the hopes of actually believing those things in the end. I also put up with lots of things under the guise of love, because that's what people in love do, or because love can do it all. I think you already know how those things usually end.
I share what you think about the right person coming along eventually, but another belief that counteracts the concept of a "right match" existing for me is that I'm too damaged. I'm not an impulsive person nor do I actively put myself at risk, I've gotten rid of bad habits and addictions that made me unmanageable, and yet I've been told that the things that I've gone through are what makes me difficult, and I think I sort of understand that. I would like to experience love, yes, but I'm intimidated by whoever would be willing to put themselves through the pain of involving themselves with someone as traumatized as me.
My friends love and understand me and my family does as well, but I can't help but feel that whatever love entails needs me to be vulnerable in a way I've never been before.
Sorry for trailing a bit, your answer just made me think. Thank you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate to your experience with limerence. For the longest time, I also forced myself to see the people I was dating or interested in as these almost perfect beings, but in my case, in the hopes of actually believing those things in the end. I also put up with lots of things under the guise of love, because that's what people in love do, or because love can do it all. I think you already know how those things usually end.
I share what you think about the right person coming along eventually, but another belief that counteracts the concept of a "right match" existing for me is that I'm too damaged. I'm not an impulsive person nor do I actively put myself at risk, I've gotten rid of bad habits and addictions that made me unmanageable, and yet I've been told that the things that I've gone through are what makes me difficult, and I think I sort of understand that. I would like to experience love, yes, but I'm intimidated by whoever would be willing to put themselves through the pain of involving themselves with someone as traumatized as me.
My friends love and understand me and my family does as well, but I can't help but feel that whatever love entails needs me to be vulnerable in a way I've never been before.
Sorry for trailing a bit, your answer just made me think. Thank you.

I relate in turn to what you've just expressed. I feel past my sell by date when it comes to love. Not just in terms of age- although, that would be a factor. But, more in terms of issues. I don't think it would be fair to subject a person to them now! They're too ingrained, I'm too stubborn/ reluctant to change. Plus- the most obvious one- a likely suicide on the horizon seems unfair to expose someone to.

That's an interesting idea though. If I interpreted you correctly, are you saying you might be afraid of the type of person who would be willing to take your history and ingrained traumas on?

I also agree that to love does require being vulnerable. It's entrusting someone with your heart. I think people who've experienced disappointment and hurt are naturally more nervous about doing that.

I've wondered before how limerance works in an actual relationship. Mine were all non reciprocated and, love from afar. But yes, I can imagine it can get a whole lot more complicated if we actually become involved with them.

If we just continually accept and overlook unpleasant aspects all the time for the fairytale version in our minds. May I ask, did your limerent relationships last long? Did you eventually realise they weren't the person in your head?

 

[pellisetossium]

I relate in turn to what you've just expressed. I feel past my sell by date when it comes to love. Not just in terms of age- although, that would be a factor. But, more in terms of issues. I don't think it would be fair to subject a person to them now! They're too ingrained, I'm too stubborn/ reluctant to change. Plus- the most obvious one- a likely suicide on the horizon seems unfair to expose someone to.

That's an interesting idea though. If I interpreted you correctly, are you saying you might be afraid of the type of person who would be willing to take your history and ingrained traumas on?

I also agree that to love does require being vulnerable. It's entrusting someone with your heart. I think people who've experienced disappointment and hurt are naturally more nervous about doing that.

I've wondered before how limerance works in an actual relationship. Mine were all non reciprocated and, love from afar. But yes, I can imagine it can get a whole lot more complicated if we actually become involved with them.

If we just continually accept and overlook unpleasant aspects all the time for the fairytale version in our minds. May I ask, did your limerent relationships last long? Did you eventually realise they weren't the person in your head?

Oh, totally. In my case is not about reluctancy to change, but the fact that I just don't have any other way to be. I've been able to dismantle behaviours and thought processes that stem from trauma, but at the end of the day, I can never be something other than traumatized. I'm functional, but I'm broken. I will never be able to fully trust and give myself to someone else, I think, and I made peace with that. And, yes, as you say–I also never abandoned the idea of taking my own life (well, I'm here) and I can't expose a person to that.

Yes, you're correct. Asides from feeling like it's impossible, I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that my past experiences are going to be used against me. Love requires vulnerability, and while I've never denied the other types of love in my life of that, I don't know why romance feels out of range. Having been abused sort of explains it, of course, but either way.

And to answer your question, all my relationships have lasted over a year, with the longest one being three years long.
To summarize the situation: Someone close to me, usually someone who I consider a dear friend as well, tells me they have feelings for me. Here, I would think that the feelings of appreciation that I already have for them will be enough to sustain a relationship, and would start fixating on things I found "attractive". Physical traits, devotion to personal goals and hobbies, things like that. At first, I was aware of the fact that I was idealizing a person, but eventually it just became the way I saw them.
We would start getting close, and at some point we would become dependent on each other. When you only really have one person, you can't afford to see them for who they really are, and you hold onto those things. I wanted desperately to think that, if I stayed unconditionally, something would happen that would make everything worth it, like them proving their love to me, or reassuring me that they would stay despite the things I've gone through. Of course, love (or any other feeling masquerading as love) can't do it all, and they all failed. They did something that made my carefully curated image break, and things ended. Every time I lost feelings, it was like a clean cut. I never really suffered much because of the breakups in itself, but because I grieved what could've happened if I actually loved and had been loved.
I hope I answered your question.