Venting Stupid rant abt depression and ruining my own future

[other-ghost]

It's almost hilarious how depression hijacks "peak productivity" moments. Had a month for a career-defining project. Knew it was critical. Still did nothing until five hours before deadline. Now I'm staring at half-assed work that won't meet my prof's expectations, let alone my own. Friends ask, "Why haven't you started?" ...What do I say? Spent the month just trying not to CTB? Explaining feels absurd, like admitting I've been too busy saving myself from drowning.

Yeah, depression's a valid excuse, but FOR ME (applies to me only rn) it still feels stupid. Self-sabotage on autopilot. Every attempt to try just circles back to self harm and planning my death. Do I bail now and spare myself the humiliation of failure, or drag this corpse through the mess I've made? I can't tell which is worse. I can't even blame anyone even if i wanted to. Maybe i can blame god for making me this way just to have something to blame.. but i know i'm guilty for ruining my own future rn.

(Pray for my project guidance later plz i hope i don't die from humiliation)

 

[gothbird]

Procrastination in this context isn't laziness but it's a combination of impaired executive function, emotional exhaustion, and reduced motivation, all of which are common in clinical depression.

When someone spends significant energy managing suicidal thoughts or trying to avoid it, their cognitive and emotional bandwidth for tasks (no matter how important) is severely limited. This isn't a personal failure. It's a predictable outcome of being unwell.

The belief that you've "ruined your future" overlooks the fact that you're functioning under extreme internal strain, without adequate external support. That's not self sabotage—it's a system under duress.

Submitting what you can, even if it doesn't meet your usual standards, is still progress. In academic and professional settings, this situation is more common than people admit. If needed, you can also document these symptoms and seek accommodations. Most institutions allow for late submissions or extensions when mental health is a factor.

You're not alone in this pattern. It's real, and it's survivable (if you want to survive it, that is).

 

[other-ghost]

When someone spends significant energy managing suicidal thoughts or trying to avoid it, their cognitive and emotional bandwidth for tasks (no matter how important) is severely limited. This isn't a personal failure. It's a predictable outcome of being unwell.

Logically, I know you're right. But living it? For me, It just feels like failure. Like watching your own hands set fire to everything you care about and being too numb to stop it.

Most institutions allow for late submissions or extensions when mental health is a factor.

I wish. Here, admitting mental health struggles gets you labeled as a character flaw. They'll call it laziness, slap a "weak" sticker on you, say you don't pray enough to god, and move on. Still, thanks for saying it, means more than you know.

Trying to submit something later, even if it's garbage. Not sure it'll matter, but hey. At least it's something.

 

[other-ghost]

Update: Finished the damn deadline. Don't know how, scraped it together, i guess. Feels like i spent the last fumes of my sanity just to meet the deadline (and its not even the end of the project!). No pride, just hollow!! Still stuck in the loop: beat myself for being "irresponsible" → panic-complete the task → rinse and repeat! What i got is just the relief of it ending.

How many times will this shit rerun?Therapy, meds, breathing exercises, exercises in generalm. they didn't help!! Now my body's given up too, i got sick from exuaustion now. Feels like punishment for existing wrong.

 

[myucore]

Got in to this thread when I search "Procrastinate".

I'm on my thesis now, I kept rolling back my personal deadline, knowing that I have 2 more projects ongoing... This kind of feeling, it keeps repeating over and over. Not wanting to do anything but always on the edge for piling up responsibility. Sometimes it peaks up into a crippling panic calling for ctb ideation. Countless time being alone in front of my laptop, sobbing alone, working on all these abstract responsibilities I accidentally / forced to took. I can't blame anyone but myself. But I know I shouldn't blame myself either..

That's my experience with educational system since I was a kid probably. I'm scared to be a failure, but ctb is also a form of failure... I just can't accept myself to ctb. Not while thinking how I would break everyone for my selfish desires to be free... It's painful to be stuck in this body, carrying responsibility i never wished for.

I failed 2 years of my univ now.

Maybe after all this education, I would move some where far away, enjoying my peaceful alone era until eventually I could be at peace with my decision to leave everything behind.

Update: Finished the damn deadline. Don't know how, scraped it together, i guess. Feels like i spent the last fumes of my sanity just to meet the deadline (and its not even the end of the project!). No pride, just hollow!! Still stuck in the loop: beat myself for being "irresponsible" → panic-complete the task → rinse and repeat! What i got is just the relief of it ending.

How many times will this shit rerun?Therapy, meds, breathing exercises, exercises in generalm. they didn't help!! Now my body's given up too, i got sick from exuaustion now. Feels like punishment for existing wrong.

The cycle repeats, not trying to say toxic positivity, but from my experiences, either I improve my coping mechanism, finding new people who could help me (teach me how they cope, or help me with emotional regulation), or finding new hope or interest. When I breakdown and desperate, somehow I always able to find one of those. Maybe let yourself break down once in a while.