Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[deletedaccount30982]

Sounds like a very long, drawn out way to go. A ridiculous method, in fact. And you're still here, after nearly 2 weeks!! Nah, I'm just not getting it !

I've already explained at the beginning of this thread that I'm aware of the odds of it working as a method but that I'm also a severe self harmer. This is self harm with suicidal intent. Even if the odds are very low of it killing me I have the urges to and will do it anyway because of my self harm. So you don't have to get it. I have PTSD from surviving three serious attempts that nearly killed me or trust me I would be doing something a hell of a lot faster with a significantly higher chance or working rather than sitting here torturing myself and waiting for something to happen. If you don't get it that's fine, it's not yours to get.

 

[CatLvr]

I've already explained at the beginning of this thread that I'm aware of the odds of it working as a method but that I'm also a severe self harmer. This is self harm with suicidal intent. Even if the odds are very low of it killing me I have the urges to and will do it anyway because of my self harm. So you don't have to get it. I have PTSD from surviving three serious attempts that nearly killed me or trust me I would be doing something a hell of a lot faster with a significantly higher chance or working rather than sitting here torturing myself and waiting for something to happen. If you don't get it that's fine, it's not yours to get.

I am so so sorry. And I'd give anything if I had some answers for you. I have only had one bout with self-harm and it was medication induced. I was cutting because it was the only way I felt anything. I was completely numb otherwise.

I hope you are able to somehow come to terms with what has happened to you (you don't owe any explanation) one way or another. If that means ctb well, I mean, I wish you a speedy path from here forward. But if you ever want to try other options (or you just want someone to talk to) I'd be honored to try and support you -- whatever that looks like to you. No judgement.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

After three days of laxative abuse resulting in losing 5lbs of water weight, restricting my fluid and food intake on top of that making very dehydrated, continuing to overdose on pain killers, and taking a hefty overdose of two prescription heart meds last night leaving me bradycardic and hypotensive, I actually feel quite well today. I'm cold and can't get warm with no color to my feet or lips, but I have energy today. Despite hoping to be dead soon I'm tempted to go shopping today just to try on smaller clothes and make my eating disorder happy by seeing how small I am.
I'm having a lot of heart palpitations right now. The meds I overdosed on last night have my heart rate in the 40s-50s right now sitting up. I've overdosed on them many, many times before so I know I'll be fine, but girl can only dream that maybe this time my body won't be able to cope anymore.

 

[null_blank]

One good thing about restrictive eds: fitting into clothes/sizes you previously couldn't.

I know when I fit into a pair of 6 jeans I about lost it.

I've since backslid and 8s are a trial now but now my size goal is to fit into some 4s

Hope you have as good a day as you can~

 

[deletedaccount30982]

Didn't find anything I liked but I tried on some really small pants I was certain wouldn't fit. When they did it made me quite happy. Too short for my liking so I put them back, but knowing they fit made me happy.

Nearly passed out while I was there so I had to cave and buy some food. I don't feel well anymore. I think I overdid it. But at least I got out a bit today.

 

[null_blank]

You love to hear it

 

[deletedaccount30982]

Just took more heart meds. If I lower my pulse and blood pressure enough then my kidneys, which are already being bombarded with ridiculous amounts of nephrotoxic NSAIDs every day, are probably gonna take a pretty good hit. I think they already have been suffering with the NSAIDs because I've started having clear urine despite being very dehydrated. Obviously there is no telling without getting blood tests done, but sometimes clear urine when dehydrated is a sign of kidney injury. Your nephrons can become damaged and are no longer able to filter and concentrate/dilute urine as they should. For certain kidney injuries this causes very dark, concentrated urine when they cannot dilute it. For others it causes dilute, clear urine because they can no longer concentrate it. I'm sure it's very much reversible right now with some simple rehydration, but I want to fuck them up beyond fixing. If I don't die soon then I want to fuck my body up in as many ways possible so I do from something before the age of 30.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

New wound update: hefty amount of yellow green puss on the bandages during change and lots of puss actively draining from the wound. Maybe a drop in pulse and blood pressure diverted enough blood flow from the wound for an infection to set in? Time will tell.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

Jesus man, one of the most bizarre/painful methods I've seen someone attempt...its your choice though.

 

[null_blank]

Sounds like a wound I gave myself through self injury—I didn't bother cleaning it and it got a bit gnarly with some yellow pus before I really decided to treat it.

I forgot about that one. Thank you for the reminder c:

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I'm pretty confident that I may be asymptomatically carrying something regardless of my current presentation. I had MRSA when I was younger from self harming. None of my self harm wounds ever showed any signs of being infected. One day I just had a little pimple suddenly turn red with about 2in of spreading redness around it. It went away on its own but I got it cultured anyway and it happened to be MRSA. This was before my physical health started to fail me, but I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't treated it, as often times MRSA is hard for the body to fight off on its own without antibiotics, even in healthy people, once it enters a place it shouldn't. So it wouldn't surprise me if something beyond my current symptoms is brewing under the surface, either being fought off by my overtime immune system or waiting to become symptomatic.

I just hope I can overwhelm my immune system enough that it fails. I wish I wasn't already in the hospital when I went septic last time. I could have just let it all take over.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

I'm pretty confident that I may be asymptomatically carrying something regardless of my current presentation. I had MRSA when I was younger from self harming. None of my self harm wounds ever showed any signs of being infected. One day I just had a little pimple suddenly turn red with about 2in of spreading redness around it. It went away on its own but I got it cultured anyway and it happened to be MRSA. This was before my physical health started to fail me, but I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't treated it, as often times MRSA is hard for the body to fight off on its own without antibiotics, even in healthy people, once it enters a place it shouldn't. So it wouldn't surprise me if something beyond my current symptoms is brewing under the surface, either being fought off by my overtime immune system or waiting to become symptomatic.

I just hope I can overwhelm my immune system enough that it fails. I wish I wasn't already in the hospital when I went septic last time. I could have just let it all take over.

I have an infected toenail currently and its too much for me. I'm not good with pain I guess.

 

[Reesesmini]

Hello. I am new here and I have read everything you say. To be honest, I feel very connected with you and how you feel. I understand how is to try everything and it doesn't work. The frustration to be the way we are and ask ourselves when is God going to take us away after we have asked him, plead him som many times in so much pain. I am tired too. I want to end everything. I harm myself too and have had several suicide attempts. The last one got me a free ticket to a psychiatric ward for 8 days, the worst days of my life. I believe since that attempt, I might have ended with some kind of brain injury because I forget everything and I am unable to concentrate or focus on tasks... maybe not and it is my imagination. Point is, I get you and I see you get me.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

My blood pressure is truly low now, not just soft. It isn't anything crazy at all, not low enough to mean much. But god I wish it did.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

The cut hurts today. I hope it looks awful when I change it. I just want to die but I'm too fucking weak to do anything real to kill me so god I'm praying for something to happen and for it to happen real damn soon.

 

[null_blank]

May the odds be ever in your favor.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I'm so exhausted and weak and confused.
Downed more laxatives. And a fuck ton of heart meds. Gonna take a good dose of pain killers too once the nausea passes. I can't keep my thoughts straight. I keep forgetting how to read and shit.
What's it like to not hate yourself?

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm so exhausted and weak and confused.
Downed more laxatives. And a fuck ton of heart meds. Gonna take a good dose of pain killers too once the nausea passes. I can't keep my thoughts straight. I keep forgetting how to read and shit.
What's it like to not hate yourself?

Out of curiosity, would you mind sharing what drug class your heart meds are? I have had SH and suicide attempts with them before and gotten really close one time.

I wish I could answer what it's like to not hate yourself. :(

 

[msesis]

Sounds like a very long, drawn out way to go. A ridiculous method, in fact. And you're still here, after nearly 2 weeks!! Nah, I'm just not getting it !

people have different needs.. if this is how they need to go about it it makes perfect sense to me. as long as it works for them.

 

[mistymoo]

I'm sorry you have folks who are giving you a hard time on here.
I've been trying to keep my info off of here as much as possible but fuck it - I had a grand mal seizure behind the wheel of my vehicle, hit 2 vans and crashed into a house. A tattoo was nothing compared to my accident but it was the only thing i could think of.
I desperately want that pain and sickness again as a form of SH.
If someone isn't a self harmer then I don't think they can truly understand what you're going through and why. I would take their insults/negativity with the finest grains of salt

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I've found a few pimple like spots around my body that could be indicative of a staph infection. None of them are big or red or draining right now, but when I had MRSA before they all looked like normal little pimples until that one turned red. I hope so.
I took more laxatives. I hope my electrolytes are fucked beyond belief. Took more heart meds and pain killers too. I feel beyond awful. I'm so fatigued even typing this is hard. I hope I fall asleep and never wake up but I'm never that lucky.
I loathe myself. I'm disgusted by myself. I deserve every bit of suffering I cause myself. I pray I die soon, but maybe the reason I'm alive is that I don't deserve the peace of death.
I feel impending doom. It's peaceful. A sense that I am going to die soon. Like a warm hug. Unfortunately I get it somewhat often. I can't trust this feeling and I hate it. I wish I could trust it.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I've found a few pimple like spots around my body that could be indicative of a staph infection. None of them are big or red or draining right now, but when I had MRSA before they all looked like normal little pimples until that one turned red. I hope so.
I took more laxatives. I hope my electrolytes are fucked beyond belief. Took more heart meds and pain killers too. I feel beyond awful. I'm so fatigued even typing this is hard. I hope I fall asleep and never wake up but I'm never that lucky.
I loathe myself. I'm disgusted by myself. I deserve every bit of suffering I cause myself. I pray I die soon, but maybe the reason I'm alive is that I don't deserve the peace of death.
I feel impending doom. It's peaceful. A sense that I am going to die soon. Like a warm hug. Unfortunately I get it somewhat often. I can't trust this feeling and I hate it. I wish I could trust it.

I feel the same way about myself. We have a lot in common. I love that peaceful, warm hug feeling. I always crave it. It is such a bitch when it doesn't lead to death though. It's heartbreak. I get that. You're in really bad shape, so I hope you get the result you want soon. It really is such a shame that you can't feel better and stay, because you seem like such a quality human. I feel lucky getting to interact with you here. Wishing you so much peace.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I've engaged in severe self-harm for years and years now. Above 4 years ago I got an idea in my head to cut myself and rub something fowl like feces into it to induce an infection and hope it turns septic and kills me. I've put off the idea for years, but today I just want to die. Unfortunately, the trauma caused by surviving my 3 major attempts in the past has me unable to overcome the SI required to actively CTB, so I've resorted to passive suicide methods like daily overdoses of OTC meds, chronic starvation, chronic dehydration, etc. Today the urge became too much. I cut myself on the part of the skin believed to harbor the highest amount of bacteria, rubbed an unspeakably disgusting substance into it, and taped it shut so the bacteria can't escape. Now only time will tell if it turns septic. If I see signs that I am going septic, I will not tell anyone. I will stay home and let myself fall into shock until I die. If it doesn't turn septic, then well I've just engaged in the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my life and I'll have to carry on.

Before anyone starts to lecture me, I work in healthcare. I am well aware of the process of developing an infection, the stages of sepsis, the symptoms, etc. I've been septic before due to a medical condition. I've cared for many patients with sepsis before and am aware of the implications of going into shock and surviving with permanent damage. I know this is an awful idea. And I also no longer care. I am tired of living but am unable to pull the trigger for an immediate and more guaranteed suicide despite having the means to do so thanks to the PTSD. If this goes wrong, I am aware of the risks, I am aware of how stupid this is, and I simply do not care anymore.

how are you holding up so far?

 

[deletedaccount30982]

Took more and more heart meds. Pulse in the high 30/low 40s. I feel like I'm dying. I don't like how this feels.
The combination of electrolyte imbalances from the laxative abuse and the heart meds overdoses is really dangerous for my heart. Especially because I know I'm prone to low potassium. I hope I go into fucking torsades. I want to go into a lethal arrhythmia please. Just kill me.

 

[Tonkpils]

Took more and more heart meds. Pulse in the high 30/low 40s. I feel like I'm dying. I don't like how this feels.
The combination of electrolyte imbalances from the laxative abuse and the heart meds overdoses is really dangerous for my heart. Especially because I know I'm prone to low potassium. I hope I go into fucking torsades. I want to go into a lethal arrhythmia please. Just kill me.

A quick Google says that below 30 to 40 bpm will cause a lack of blood flow to the brain and blood may start to pool in the heart causing congestive heart failure.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

A quick Google says that below 30 to 40 bpm will cause a lack of blood flow to the brain and blood may start to pool in the heart causing congestive heart failure.

30-40 is concerning but clinical picture is more important. A sleeping professional athlete at 35-40 can be normal depending on the person (always be in consultation of your own doctor, of course). An anorexic/malnourished person at 30-40 is concerning and they need careful refeeding immediately but they can survive for a significant period of time that way with compensation. In this case, it is provoked with an overdose of medications that slow my heart rate down putting me at risk for bradyarrythmias. Electrolyte imbalances caused by laxative abuse can be very cardiotoxic, especially hypokalemia. And with my health problems I've had more than enough blood drawn to know I already run low on potassium in general, laxative abuse just flushes even more on out. The two together has the potential for some serious cardiac problems. Doesn't mean it will happen, but I'm at very high risk right now.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

Blood pressures low again. Nothing crazy. A soft systolic and a low diastolic but again, nothing too concerning. Minimum pulse has been 36 so far.

 

[nir]

I've been thinking of you a lot over these past days. I think you're really showing the heart of the argument that people should have access to legal, painless, and effective life-ending methods. No one deserves to go through everything you're going through just to end the pain. I know you may disagree due to having a history of self-harm (I do too, and I'd probably disagree if someone said this to me), but you're a human being with worth who deserves dignity, even in death. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. It's also incredible that you're still able to type, let alone think, with how low your heart rate is mixed with your other symptoms. It makes me angry (not at you) that people have to go through this when there are such better options that have been banned/restricted. I wish nothing but the best for you, and whatever happens, I hope it isn't painful and you get the peace you've been searching for.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I've been thinking of you a lot over these past days. I think you're really showing the heart of the argument that people should have access to legal, painless, and effective life-ending methods. No one deserves to go through everything you're going through just to end the pain. I know you may disagree due to having a history of self-harm (I do too, and I'd probably disagree if someone said this to me), but you're a human being with worth who deserves dignity, even in death. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. It's also incredible that you're still able to type, let alone think, with how low your heart rate is mixed with your other symptoms. It makes me angry (not at you) that people have to go through this when there are such better options that have been banned/restricted. I wish nothing but the best for you, and whatever happens, I hope it isn't painful and you get the peace you've been searching for.

Short of euthanasia I don't think I could go through with any other method. I've already survived SN and don't think I could do it again. I have a rope and have nearly done both full and partial multiple times in the past year, but after surviving partial when I was 13 I couldn't overcome the SI/PTSD. Drowning/hypothermia didn't work and I wouldn't try it again. I honestly don't even know if I could drink N or not. I would truly need someone to pull the trigger for me at this point. My mind can only seem to overcome the hurdle to do shit with a rather low chance of working. The second something might actually work I become paralyzed and can only think about what is to come if I survive again.

I'm quite tempted right now to just down the renaming heart meds. I'm 75% sure that it is enough to kill me. Problem is if it isn't then I have places to be tomorrow. I would get in trouble for canceling them. If I'm dead that's no mind. If I'm alive I'm in deep shit. This is what I mean by becoming paralyzed by the potential of survival. I cannot get in trouble. And I absolutely CANNOT end up in the hospital again.

 

[agony1996]

I've engaged in severe self-harm for years and years now. Above 4 years ago I got an idea in my head to cut myself and rub something fowl like feces into it to induce an infection and hope it turns septic and kills me. I've put off the idea for years, but today I just want to die. Unfortunately, the trauma caused by surviving my 3 major attempts in the past has me unable to overcome the SI required to actively CTB, so I've resorted to passive suicide methods like daily overdoses of OTC meds, chronic starvation, chronic dehydration, etc. Today the urge became too much. I cut myself on the part of the skin believed to harbor the highest amount of bacteria, rubbed an unspeakably disgusting substance into it, and taped it shut so the bacteria can't escape. Now only time will tell if it turns septic. If I see signs that I am going septic, I will not tell anyone. I will stay home and let myself fall into shock until I die. If it doesn't turn septic, then well I've just engaged in the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my life and I'll have to carry on.

Before anyone starts to lecture me, I work in healthcare. I am well aware of the process of developing an infection, the stages of sepsis, the symptoms, etc. I've been septic before due to a medical condition. I've cared for many patients with sepsis before and am aware of the implications of going into shock and surviving with permanent damage. I know this is an awful idea. And I also no longer care. I am tired of living but am unable to pull the trigger for an immediate and more guaranteed suicide despite having the means to do so thanks to the PTSD. If this goes wrong, I am aware of the risks, I am aware of how stupid this is, and I simply do not care anymore.

Reading your post is heartbreaking, you must be in pure agony to resort to these measures, I know you're in health care and are aware of all the complications that can come with developing a severe infection but it could turn out really bad like loosing an arm or something, did you consider that. I think that would put you in a worse situation. I'm sorry if I'm offending your intelligence but I just don't want something like that to happen to you. I wish I had some words of comfort, I guess all I can say is that you're not alone , there's many people on here that care.