Venting Stuck in the middle

[thelostautistic]

At the beginning of February I ordered my ctb method and I felt like that was the day I gave up on myself. In the 2 weeks I waited for it I felt lower than ever. Nothing mattered anymore. I felt relieved that my way out would be here soon and I could start making plans. But now it's arrived and I don't know how I feel. Things feel different now. Having my way out in my hands made me realise that I don't think I'm ready to go just yet. I still want to go just not now. I feel like I owe it to my younger self to give life a go one more time. Just one more time and if it's too painful then I can go knowing that I tried my hardest to live. Has anybody else felt this way after your method arrived. I feel like I'm in a tug of war with my own mind and I'm really torn. I'm frustrated with myself for having these feelings as I wasn't expecting to feel this way

 

[yotaka]

You're not alone. I go back and forth constantly. Honestly I'm jealous of people who can just commit one way or the other.

 

[thelostautistic]

You're not alone. I go back and forth constantly. Honestly I'm jealous of people who can just commit one way or the other.

Thank you, it's really nice to know I'm not the only one. I wish I could just make up my mind. I can't recover and be planning my exit at the same time

 

[yotaka]

Thank you, it's really nice to know I'm not the only one. I wish I could just make up my mind. I can't recover and be planning my exit at the same time

Exactly. This feels like the entire story of my life: Can't decide what I want, so I end up with nothing at all

 

[Kayla]

You should absolutely give life another go. I've found that personally having my method has made me actually want to live more. I know that if things get truly bad, I have a way out.

 

[thelostautistic]

You should absolutely give life another go. I've found that personally having my method has made me actually want to live more. I know that if things get truly bad, I have a way out.

Thank you. I think you're right. Having it there is kind of pushing me to carry on as well. Which is a good thing I guess but I'm frustrated because that wasn't my plan

 

[whoisit]

I have the same I am glad I got my desired method at hand. It gave a bit of peace that I can exit whenever my physical or mental symptoms worsen I can end it myself. I have no hope for a euthanasia trajectory my shrink already declined participation and so does my gp. They both say you can still do ect and if that doesn't work then we might go the euthanasia route.

 

[ThroughTheLight]

I have the same I am glad I got my desired method at hand. It gave a bit of peace that I can exit whenever my physical or mental symptoms worsen I can end it myself. I have no hope for a euthanasia trajectory my shrink already declined participation and so does my gp. They both say you can still do ect and if that doesn't work then we might go the euthanasia route.

It's pretty inhumane that they don't just let people die if they want to. Everyone says "my body my choice" until a suicidal person wants to do something with their body that others don't like.