Struggling to Find A Safe Place To Talk About Ideation

[ladidaok]

Hi,


This is my first post, and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post.

Please let me know if it isn't.

I'm posting because I'm at a loss with a very particular issue, and wanted to see if anyone could relate or had any input.

I think what I'm struggling with in large part is getting help with my severe mental health issues when a therapist's literal duty is to keep me alive at all costs (i.e., as a mandatory reporter).


I'm honestly not sure how I feel about life at this point given the sheer amount of trauma and suffering I've experienced, and the fact that my symptoms (both good and bad) keep intensifying due to deeper grief and PTSD symptoms that naturally arise.


Truth be told, I trust myself less than ever to not self-harm (especially when I'm in a bad place mentally).


Yet, it doesn't feel like I can honestly talk about, let alone process any of this with a therapist at this point, which ironically, makes the despair worse.


I understand it's obviously very difficult for a therapist (or anyone) to work with or invest in someone who expresses strong ideation and hopelessness, but again, I just don't know where to turn.


In the end, it's doing me way more harm than good to have someone (such as the therapist I've been working with) try to "convince" me to live on the basis of my "potential" when I'm in deep waters.


In the end, I've come tremendously far in life, which people (like her) can see, but it's like, how does that help with my subjective experience and the lifetime of suffering I've endured (that takes all my energy to manage and seems neverending).


I get into this place where I wish I had no biological need for people, but alas, things are the way they are.


So, I don't know. If anyone can relate, I'd love to chat.


Maybe just about life (or whether you've found any solutions to the sort of problem I'm experiencing).


Thanks

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Hi,


This is my first post, and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post.

Please let me know if it isn't.

I'm posting because I'm at a loss with a very particular issue, and wanted to see if anyone could relate or had any input.

I think what I'm struggling with in large part is getting help with my severe mental health issues when a therapist's literal duty is to keep me alive at all costs (i.e., as a mandatory reporter).


I'm honestly not sure how I feel about life at this point given the sheer amount of trauma and suffering I've experienced, and the fact that my symptoms (both good and bad) keep intensifying due to deeper grief and PTSD symptoms that naturally arise.


Truth be told, I trust myself less than ever to not self-harm (especially when I'm in a bad place mentally).


Yet, it doesn't feel like I can honestly talk about, let alone process any of this with a therapist at this point, which ironically, makes the despair worse.


I understand it's obviously very difficult for a therapist (or anyone) to work with or invest in someone who expresses strong ideation and hopelessness, but again, I just don't know where to turn.


In the end, it's doing me way more harm than good to have someone (such as the therapist I've been working with) try to "convince" me to live on the basis of my "potential" when I'm in deep waters.


In the end, I've come tremendously far in life, which people (like her) can see, but it's like, how does that help with my subjective experience and the lifetime of suffering I've endured (that takes all my energy to manage and seems neverending).


I get into this place where I wish I had no biological need for people, but alas, things are the way they are.


So, I don't know. If anyone can relate, I'd love to chat.


Maybe just about life (or whether you've found any solutions to the sort of problem I'm experiencing).


Thanks

I relate. I wish I could have a therpist who did not have any power to lock me up or force me on drugs and whose records couldn't be viewed by anyone else under any context. That doesn't exist though, so I don't have a therapist.

 

[greygoosechoose]

AFAIK, there isn't any place that will have open talks about suicide.

Perhaps there are some events and groups, of course professionals- but here in the states as soon as you start getting intimate and voicing your potential plans to end it, you could be legally implicating people you tell should they not take "proper" steps to mediate your safety.

Even if such conversations could take place, I doubt they would be fruitful because most don't legitimately consider that the experience you may be living may not be worth continuing, they have a conclusion/goal (that you should live) and their reasoning goes backwards from there.

As I relate to you. I have always believed that a vital thing of importance for people is that they have something to look forward to.

These day I don't have anything I look forward to. I think life is beautiful in some way, I enjoy certain mundane things and love to laugh.

But these are fleeting moments interspersed into my life which has been on a downward spiral for the last decade. I didn't logic my way into being suicidal. I have found myself here due to bad luck and genetics, through personal failures and inability to avoid the current situation. Now it is a daily feeling of shame and envy that I endure, and I just want the noise in my head to go quite forever.

As for the future I know that things could be much worse, and I am indeed lucky in some regards that things aren't worse.

In a lot of ways I'm perfectly aware of the irrationality of my position on ending my life, but again, I didn't logic my way into this position, and logic isn't going to get me out. I will have to live a life which doesn't conform to any of the values I personally had since I was a kid.

 

[hell toupee]

If you could imagine that all of your pain and suffering were over, what would that look like for you?

I mean try and picture yourself completely free of everything that you are going through, what do you envision that as? What would life look like for you? If someone could just snap their fingers and make everything 1000% better.

This is a sincere question, you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable. I try to picture myself free of my problems. It's actually helpful.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some solace here. I'd say you've definitely found one place you can openly discuss ideation now- here.

I wouldn't even consider therapy now because I'm not that interested in recovery. I kind of know myself what I should be working on in order to improve my life- social anxiety, lack of confidence, general fitness and maintaining a nicer environment to live in, a more balanced life. But, the end goal isn't appealing enough for me now to make all that effort. So, it would make little sense to ask them for help and advice that I have no intention of following!

I probably haven't done as well as you in life- by the sounds of it but, I did work hard to try to at least partly achieve some of my goals. I suppose it's the same problem for me though- in that, they aren't giving me so much satisfaction now. And yet, they still require huge amounts of effort, just to maintain. I suppose I'm at a plateau really. Where I still need to keep working at not being pushed back down the hill but, I'm just not really interested in climbing higher now.

I suppose in some ways, it's a relief. It's exhausting to keep striving for things. To fail as well as succeed. To be so scared of the risk of failing in what we want so much. In some ways, it's been a relief to wonder- do I even want this? In the sense of realising I don't so much, it's been nice to (relatively) relax and just tread water for now.

But yeah, I'm not sure whether a therapist would feel redundant if a person admits that they have no more will to try anymore. No desire to even get better. What could they even say to make us feel better in that circumstance? What would be practical? Would we even do any of the things they might suggest? Their focus will obviously be on living. If we're not interested in living anymore, I'm not sure they can hand that back.

I suppose I feel like we are a fairly goal led species but, when we decide the goal is pointless, it's hard to keep working towards it.