Staying up for days at a time to get in right mental state

[HelpDoesNotExist]

I've slept maybe 2 hours in the past 4 days now, still miserable and feel nothing but sadness and irritation, but I'm more able to accept what I have to do. I think I'm just gonna try to keep taking caffeine pills and stuff and not letting myself fall asleep until i pass out, and keep doing that until I get the nerve to CTB.

 

[a.dream.of.a.dream]

Hello and welcome. I don't know if this is a good plan for ctb. Sleep deprivation is really unpredictable, can lead to hallucinations, even psychosis and unexpected, unwanted behavior. I am sorry you are hurting, may I ask why you want to ctb?

 

[amaluuk]

Not to judge, but if you need to put this much effort into getting the nerve, I do feel somewhat inclined to ask if this is really what you want. Something in you is clearly opposed to the idea, and people who have means don't usually need to wait this long when they really want to do it. Are there any projects you're trying to finish up? Anything you still want to experience?

 

[HelpDoesNotExist]

Hello and welcome. I don't know if this is a good plan for ctb. Sleep deprivation is really unpredictable, can lead to hallucinations, even psychosis and unexpected, unwanted behavior. I am sorry you are hurting, may I ask why you want to ctb?

I mean I don't care about my health, I want it to get worse obviously. My average mental state most people would call "psychosis", I've had hallucinations already it didn't bug me that much I only slept a couple hours because I had a stupid appointment.
I don't want to get it into detail, sick of people saying i have any other choice at all IRL but I know for certain it's the only way I'll ever find any peace. I'm bored and sad and angry all the time even if I sleep.

Not to judge, but if you need to put this much effort into getting the nerve, I do feel somewhat inclined to ask if this is really what you want. Something in you is clearly opposed to the idea, and people who have means don't usually need to wait this long when they really want to do it. Are there any projects you're trying to finish up? Anything you still want to experience?

I only need to because of physical pain. If I could just push a button or pull a trigger and it would be over right away, I would do it without hesitation, I would have years ago. But all methods available to me are long and painful.
The only opposition comes from old animal instinct, there's no rational reason for me to be alive and I know for certain there's no hope for me.
I lost interest in any projects and everything else.
Nothing that I will ever get to have no matter what I do so it doesn't matter. All I'm gonna "miss out" on is being bored and sad and angry and wishing I could just sleep literally all day every day.

 

[HelpDoesNotExist]

I almost always have immense trouble falling asleep even after mountains of pills, so it's been really easy especially with caffeine, only problem is really I don't like anything anymore and sleeping is the only thing that doesn't bore me now. But I have nothing to do. But I still feel bad when I do get sleep so i guess it doesn't matter. I think I'm gonna try to go for at least a week, then sleep a day so no one takes me to ER and then just do that over and over so my body starts having more problems. I'm hoping I'll set off some other health stuff or something and even if I don't CTB my condition will at least deteriorate much faster, and make it easier for me to not care about pain.
I've been trying to eat as little as I have to too which also isn't hard since i haven't had an appetite in forever either