hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 202
I haven't been on here in a while cause my mental health has improved drastically but i just wanted to complain.
It feels like my mum is making it her personal mission to make me miserable.
She's constantly saying mean things to me and trying to humiliate and shame me. And now I'm just so angry all the time.
I'm always thinking terrible things abkut people. I feel so aggressive recently. I just hate how i feel.
And the things she says just make me want to end everything. Saying things like owe it's my duty as family or whatever to make her happy and to dress and behave how she wants and to have kids.
And i just want to kill myself and leave a note saying my death is her fault and everything she did to make me chose this.
And i know that's stupid especially since i know once i pull through, graduate, get a job and move out I'll be ok. But it's like the final stretch is always the hardest and I'm trying my best not to lose it.
Like i just can't stand her anymore. She's gone through a lot but even before these past three years she's always been bitchy to me. I think she mellewed out about 2 years before my uncle passed away. Then after my uncle passed away 2 years ago, my grandma passed away last year and she started her mean girl behaviours again. Like we're all grieving doesn't mean you should take it out on me. Then my grandpa passed away last year a few months after my grandma. And now her best friend passed away last month but it's more like last week or 2 weeks ago. I can barely even tell how much time is passing with how much heartbreak keeps happening.
And i understand why she's uoset. That was her brother, her mum, her dad and her best friend but is that not even more of a reason to treat your remaining family better.
I'm trying not to pusg her away and spend time with her as a family but she's just so mean and terrible to me. Like she wants anybody but me. I know she's never liked me and i know I'm fat and ugly but can't she be nice to me even as family.
I know she doesn't care about my health because all she does is tell me how embarrassing it is to have a fat child while she's a nurse. Mind you she is also obese just smaller than me.
I actually wasn't always fat i was just bordering chubby growing up and she would still call me fat and ugly and make me drink laxatives and not eat when i was about 12-13 so i ended up getting depressed and gaining weight and a binge eating issue. Cause i feel the urge to binge when she's not around.
And now that I'm bigger than her she always attacks me for my weight.
And she starts saying, why can't i dress a certain way for her and why can't i lose weight for her. When it's her fault for ruining my head and making me this way. I'm trying to lose weight and be better but everytime i want to make a change it's like she can tell and just comes to berate and insult me.
The negativity just kills my drive and my mood . It's like she knows, so she wears me down on purpose so i only lose weight the way she wants. She wants me to starve while exercising for hours a day but tells me i shouldn't sweat cause women shouldn't sweat when they exercise. But then tells me I'm not exercising enough when i don't sweat.
She's driving me insane. I just want to kill myself so she'll feel even worse. Maybe she won't care since she told me that herself that she won't care if i kill myself since she has four more kids but if i share my suicide note with my siblings, my dad and all my relatives she at least will be embarrassed and humiliated for her whole life.
Cause everyone will know she's the reason I'll shoot myself.
Everyday i fantasize about just stealing their credit card and buying a shotgun to blow my brakns out. I habe to hold myself back and it's driving me insane.
I don't want to kill myself over something this petty. But the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger.
I've told myself that even though i hate being outside i need to be realistic and just stay outside and avoid her as long as i can. Even if i can't get a job. I can stay in school longer or go to a library. I just need to be outside until i can be independent.
I won't cut contact cause despite everything I still love her as my mother plus I'm not even a US citizen and I came here as a child so i have no documents from my home country nor do I know how to complete my citizenship because i was never told how. So even if I hated them i can't leave cause i need them.
I know how childish i sound but i was raised very sheltered and if I'm being honest I'm not compatible at all with society. So moving out and finishing school as an independent adult is actually a huge feat for me. I've barely been allowed or given the opportunity to do anything alone and when i did i always failed horribly. I get scared over every little thing and even driving on the highway is impossible cause I'll get nauseous and maybe even puke or swerve off cause I'm scared.
So please forgive my childish vent i just wanted to let out my frustrations.
It feels like my mum is making it her personal mission to make me miserable.
She's constantly saying mean things to me and trying to humiliate and shame me. And now I'm just so angry all the time.
I'm always thinking terrible things abkut people. I feel so aggressive recently. I just hate how i feel.
And the things she says just make me want to end everything. Saying things like owe it's my duty as family or whatever to make her happy and to dress and behave how she wants and to have kids.
And i just want to kill myself and leave a note saying my death is her fault and everything she did to make me chose this.
And i know that's stupid especially since i know once i pull through, graduate, get a job and move out I'll be ok. But it's like the final stretch is always the hardest and I'm trying my best not to lose it.
Like i just can't stand her anymore. She's gone through a lot but even before these past three years she's always been bitchy to me. I think she mellewed out about 2 years before my uncle passed away. Then after my uncle passed away 2 years ago, my grandma passed away last year and she started her mean girl behaviours again. Like we're all grieving doesn't mean you should take it out on me. Then my grandpa passed away last year a few months after my grandma. And now her best friend passed away last month but it's more like last week or 2 weeks ago. I can barely even tell how much time is passing with how much heartbreak keeps happening.
And i understand why she's uoset. That was her brother, her mum, her dad and her best friend but is that not even more of a reason to treat your remaining family better.
I'm trying not to pusg her away and spend time with her as a family but she's just so mean and terrible to me. Like she wants anybody but me. I know she's never liked me and i know I'm fat and ugly but can't she be nice to me even as family.
I know she doesn't care about my health because all she does is tell me how embarrassing it is to have a fat child while she's a nurse. Mind you she is also obese just smaller than me.
I actually wasn't always fat i was just bordering chubby growing up and she would still call me fat and ugly and make me drink laxatives and not eat when i was about 12-13 so i ended up getting depressed and gaining weight and a binge eating issue. Cause i feel the urge to binge when she's not around.
And now that I'm bigger than her she always attacks me for my weight.
And she starts saying, why can't i dress a certain way for her and why can't i lose weight for her. When it's her fault for ruining my head and making me this way. I'm trying to lose weight and be better but everytime i want to make a change it's like she can tell and just comes to berate and insult me.
The negativity just kills my drive and my mood . It's like she knows, so she wears me down on purpose so i only lose weight the way she wants. She wants me to starve while exercising for hours a day but tells me i shouldn't sweat cause women shouldn't sweat when they exercise. But then tells me I'm not exercising enough when i don't sweat.
She's driving me insane. I just want to kill myself so she'll feel even worse. Maybe she won't care since she told me that herself that she won't care if i kill myself since she has four more kids but if i share my suicide note with my siblings, my dad and all my relatives she at least will be embarrassed and humiliated for her whole life.
Cause everyone will know she's the reason I'll shoot myself.
Everyday i fantasize about just stealing their credit card and buying a shotgun to blow my brakns out. I habe to hold myself back and it's driving me insane.
I don't want to kill myself over something this petty. But the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger.
I've told myself that even though i hate being outside i need to be realistic and just stay outside and avoid her as long as i can. Even if i can't get a job. I can stay in school longer or go to a library. I just need to be outside until i can be independent.
I won't cut contact cause despite everything I still love her as my mother plus I'm not even a US citizen and I came here as a child so i have no documents from my home country nor do I know how to complete my citizenship because i was never told how. So even if I hated them i can't leave cause i need them.
I know how childish i sound but i was raised very sheltered and if I'm being honest I'm not compatible at all with society. So moving out and finishing school as an independent adult is actually a huge feat for me. I've barely been allowed or given the opportunity to do anything alone and when i did i always failed horribly. I get scared over every little thing and even driving on the highway is impossible cause I'll get nauseous and maybe even puke or swerve off cause I'm scared.
So please forgive my childish vent i just wanted to let out my frustrations.
