Help Should I feel ashamed if I don't manage to jump?

[SecretDissociation]

Hello, I was wondering if I should feel shame if I come back from my Beachy Head 'trip' having not jumped. I told my mother I was going to go for a hike and she obliviously said sure just be safe.

If I came back, not having jumped, do I even deserve to die at that point? Am I evil if I jump and don't leave enough money to pay off the remainder of my rent? I'll die before I get my last student loan (which I need to pay my rent) so then they would have to pay for it. They'd also have to pay for my funeral since I did not leave enough money for that... Actually all of my money would have gone to my rent (leaving them around £100~ to pay).

I really want to die right now. What even is this choice? Surely anyone would choose to just die right? I don't want to fail again because I've tried hanging myself multiple tipes (partial suspension) and I just can't find the right way to partially suspend

Someone help

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

You don't need to feel ashamed for not jumping. Committing suicide is an incredibly difficult thing to do. No matter how bad a person wants to die, everything inside of them resists death because we're programmed to want to avoid pain, danger and death. You aren't a coward, you're a human being.

Are you certain that you need to die, and that there isn't any other options to reduce your suffering?

 

[IFrequentSaSu]

I'm gonna keep it simple and say no you shouldn't feel ashamed.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

Hello, I was wondering if I should feel shame if I come back from my Beachy Head 'trip' having not jumped. I told my mother I was going to go for a hike and she obliviously said sure just be safe.

If I came back, not having jumped, do I even deserve to die at that point? Am I evil if I jump and don't leave enough money to pay off the remainder of my rent? I'll die before I get my last student loan (which I need to pay my rent) so then they would have to pay for it. They'd also have to pay for my funeral since I did not leave enough money for that... Actually all of my money would have gone to my rent (leaving them around £100~ to pay).

I really want to die right now. What even is this choice? Surely anyone would choose to just die right? I don't want to fail again because I've tried hanging myself multiple tipes (partial suspension) and I just can't find the right way to partially suspend

Someone help

There is no shame in backing out. Suicide is the ender for our reality. For what we know, what we see, hear, feel, think... this is it. When our body rots so does the universe to us. It is such a big difficult decision for anyone choosing to do so.

Not to lean into Solipsism with what i said, but I'm just trying to get that it's a big decision to make. In most of us there will be screeching of our divided mind, some parts of it yearning to jump, and another to cling to the poles making up the bridge. You can always die later. Death is patient, waiting. It only means you're human.

I hope you can find a way to find life more pleasurable, or just more pleasant in general. Don't blame yourself for this

 

[SecretDissociation]

You don't need to feel ashamed for not jumping. Committing suicide is an incredibly difficult thing to do. No matter how bad a person wants to die, everything inside of them resists death because we're programmed to want to avoid pain, danger and death. You aren't a coward, you're a human being.

Are you certain that you need to die, and that there isn't any other options to reduce your suffering?

Thanks. I'm currently with a mental health team (UK's version of giving 'targetted' mental health support) and its been like two years and I'm just tired and my friend died so it's akin to being shat on (Ha!). I'll think about other ways. When I go, maybe standing on the cliffs will offer me some clarity.

There is no shame in backing out. Suicide is the ender for our reality. For what we know, what we see, hear, feel, think... this is it. When our body rots so does the universe to us. It is such a big difficult decision for anyone choosing to do so.

Not to lean into Solipsism with what i said, but I'm just trying to get that it's a big decision to make. In most of us there will be screeching of our divided mind, some parts of it yearning to jump, and another to cling to the poles making up the bridge. You can always die later. Death is patient, waiting. It only means you're human.

I hope you can find a way to find life more pleasurable, or just more pleasant in general. Don't blame yourself for this

Thank you, there is a little bit of hope left that life will be more pleasant, its just too little!

I'll think on this, too. You're right I can always die later.

 

[SadGirl]

Hello, I was wondering if I should feel shame if I come back from my Beachy Head 'trip' having not jumped. I told my mother I was going to go for a hike and she obliviously said sure just be safe.

If I came back, not having jumped, do I even deserve to die at that point? Am I evil if I jump and don't leave enough money to pay off the remainder of my rent? I'll die before I get my last student loan (which I need to pay my rent) so then they would have to pay for it. They'd also have to pay for my funeral since I did not leave enough money for that... Actually all of my money would have gone to my rent (leaving them around £100~ to pay).

I really want to die right now. What even is this choice? Surely anyone would choose to just die right? I don't want to fail again because I've tried hanging myself multiple tipes (partial suspension) and I just can't find the right way to partially suspend

Someone help

Hey friend, no, you shouldn't feel embarrassed, because I also published a topic very similar to yours today, I'm also planning to kill myself, but by hanging. But everyone has their own method. Do what you can and never be ashamed of it. We're here if you come back, and I say I'll be happy if you come back and you're okay. A hug, all the best to you.

 

[SVEN]

Absolutely not ! There is no pressure at all from anyone on this Forum to ctb. When and if the time comes, you'll know for yourself. Until then, just take what you can from each day knowing that there are always alternatives.

 

[Jade10666]

Never be ashamed - it's not easy to end your life.

 

[HereWeGo!]

@SecretDissociation
Of course you shouldn't feel ashamed. I guess the majority on this site have been there, me myself included. That's why we are still here unfortunately(/luckily). Keep on struggling, don't loose hope whatever you decide to do in life!

 

[Sadbanana]

Suicide is very intimate thing, it's entirely up to you how you feel about it or if you are scared or not want to do it. I think this is the last thing you should feel ashamed about.

I've tried cbt few times by nighty night method. One time it started working and I remember thinking "I want to live" and desperately saved myself. I regreted it because it was hard for me to make it work again, but I accept that not all parts of me are ready to die and that's completely natural.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Absolutely not. it's your life, and if it's spent it will be spent in your sweet time, or not at all. There is no pressure. This is all about you, or me, or the next girl.
I quess the pressure really is internal right. Yeah the world sucks, and adds to it, but I am the one who had had enough. It's not weakness. For me it's just enough is enough. Sorry to go on my own rant at the end, but it finishes the point. I hope.

 

[L9my]

Hello, I was wondering if I should feel shame if I come back from my Beachy Head 'trip' having not jumped. I told my mother I was going to go for a hike and she obliviously said sure just be safe.

If I came back, not having jumped, do I even deserve to die at that point? Am I evil if I jump and don't leave enough money to pay off the remainder of my rent? I'll die before I get my last student loan (which I need to pay my rent) so then they would have to pay for it. They'd also have to pay for my funeral since I did not leave enough money for that... Actually all of my money would have gone to my rent (leaving them around £100~ to pay).

I really want to die right now. What even is this choice? Surely anyone would choose to just die right? I don't want to fail again because I've tried hanging myself multiple tipes (partial suspension) and I just can't find the right way to partially suspend

Someone help

Both jumping and partial hanging are really hard methods, the Survival Instinct must be very high.
I don't think you should be ashamed, your body is built to keep you alive.

 

[always_sad]

I tried to jump many times but just couldn't do it, it's beyond terrifying, I almost puked one time. I think most people are not capable of this. Our brains are wired to keep us safe

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

jumping especially is a scary method due to the anticipation. you shouldn't feel ashamed because your brain is, as someone else said, hardwired to keep you safe from life-threatening circumstances.

 

[SecretDissociation]

Just going to drop a thank you everyone who replied! It is all very kind! I feel less shameful about not being able to jump. It's kind of silly, but seeing that there is patience to ctb-ing is kind of nice and settling. I really appreciate it. (Hopefully atleast some people who've replied see this <3)