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Bear1234

Student
Jul 8, 2024
136
Hi guys, I hope y'all respond to me and I hope its nice lol. I have so many thoughts but my main thought is that I hope we all get relief from suffering. I'll read different things in the chat and it honestly breaks my heart how many of us are struggling for whatever reason (childhood trauma, physical illness, mental illness (BPD, schizophrenia). At the end of the day, we all want a better life but if that can't be achieved, I hope that we all are able to successfully CTB. In my ideal world, I wouldn't be dealing with illness and I would be able to enjoy the beautiful life that I know is possible for me. I am fortunate in so many ways but unfortunate in the most important way. I am fortunate because I have good parents who care about me alot, I have good friends (maybe not super close but they are sweet and there), I have a good roof over my head and I have access to food. I am unfortunate because I am dealing with a chronic health issue. I am in my late 20s now and in my early 20s I started dealing with a different health issue. That health issue lasted 3 years and a few surgeries later + hella trauma, I was okay. I was okay for 2 years and then a different chronic health issue hit. This one has no 'solution' according to the doctors here in America. This was probably the one scenario I feared more in my life - having a chronic health issue that I can't fix and I'm going to suffer with it. This chronic health issue hit me exactly one year ago. Its been non-stop symptoms. I have cried so much all year long. I stayed up praying to god, hoping he would just heal me. Now, I feel hopeless. I lost my job due to this and had to move back home. This hurt me heavily but worst part is living with this condition and feeling like there is no end in sight. I wish I wasn't on this website to be honest. I wish I didn't feel like my only way out of suffering is to CTB. Then I still have 5 percent hope that maybe just maybe things will get better that there is something I haven't tried yet - homeopathic (which I'm doing), or maybe the next doctor I see might have some magic solution for me. The hope itself also hurts. I'm sorry anyone on here is going through shit. I'm sorry that we can't just press a button and opt out of life because I would be fucking running towards that button. Anyway wanted to share my story and maybe make some friends along the way. Much love,

Bear<3
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
45,009
It truly is such a cruel existence where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own, I also just wish for the button to permanently free myself from existing. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you find peace eventually.
 
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Pinkliquid12

Pinkliquid12

Member
Sep 10, 2022
35
It really is a shame that there are not better supports for people like you. That the one life you have, that could have otherwise been enjoyed for the most part, is being ruined by illness and depression. I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope you can somehow find relief from treatment. If you're looking for friends, you're free to PM me 👌
 
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Traveller12724

Experienced
May 14, 2024
278
It's truly sad what the randomness of the universe can throw one's way and screw up their future, I am so sorry that this happened to you my friend, I know it's cruel and unfair but I hope you do find peace one way or another.
 
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Bear1234

Student
Jul 8, 2024
136
It truly is such a cruel existence where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own, I also just wish for the button to permanently free myself from existing. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you find peace eventually.
Thats the part that kinda gets me, the no fault of my own. If it was my fault maybe idk I could give this a reason but honestly I can't find any justification for suffering like this. Thank you for your kind words. I truly pray it gets better for you too and that if anything one day some button takes us out. If you ever wanna chat, feel free to PM me
It's truly sad what the randomness of the universe can throw one's way and screw up their future, I am so sorry that this happened to you my friend, I know it's cruel and unfair but I hope you do find peace one way or another.
Thank you for being the kindest soul I met on here. Your openness to me honestly means a lot and I am so sorry that you dealt with a tough hand in life as well. I'm praying for your peace as well
It really is a shame that there are not better supports for people like you. That the one life you have, that could have otherwise been enjoyed for the most part, is being ruined by illness and depression. I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope you can somehow find relief from treatment. If you're looking for friends, you're free to PM me 👌
Literally, this illness stripped away my identity. I was always the life of the party and I love laughing about literally anything. I love enjoying a nice walk outside or watching a good tv show and eating a yummy ass cookie. The little things that bring joy. Most of all I love dancing. I miss it so much. I hope I find relief too <3 and I will deff PM you thank you for being welcoming
 
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PhDone

Experienced
Jul 29, 2024
268
Thats the part that kinda gets me, the no fault of my own. If it was my fault maybe idk I could give this a reason but honestly I can't find any justification for suffering like this. Thank you for your kind words. I truly pray it gets better for you too and that if anything one day some button takes us out. If you ever wanna chat, feel free to PM me

Thank you for being the kindest soul I met on here. Your openness to me honestly means a lot and I am so sorry that you dealt with a tough hand in life as well. I'm praying for your peace as well

Literally, this illness stripped away my identity. I was always the life of the party and I love laughing about literally anything. I love enjoying a nice walk outside or watching a good tv show and eating a yummy ass cookie. The little things that bring joy. Most of all I love dancing. I miss it so much. I hope I find relief too <3 and I will deff PM you thank you for being welcoming
I hear you and feel you. I'm in a v similar situation indeed. Its traumatising. How do we face another day of 'no way out'? This is torture. I've lost my identity too. There is nothing of me left I recognise. That compounds the trauma. I'm glad you shared some of who you were. We see you in that memory. We are aware of you inside this illness and recognise the person in you that you truly are. We are all in some kind of pain here and none of us want to be these people. I think ableist society doesnt get that.

Maybe one difference in my story is I could have made a couple of decisions differently. Maybe there is a learning therefore. But shit, this as the lesson. That is an outrageous concept. In no way did I do something so bad or ignorant. Karma? I know deep in my heart I would never have been cruel or bad enough to deserve this type of hell. And I find it mad to think that little old me, the frail and ignorant human, had the responsibility to have a decision in my hands that, if I made the wrong one, sent me here. It wasnt even a decision that was an obvious health choice. Just getting out a job where I felt bullied. I stayed on the promise of action. Every smart know-it-all has now told me "you cant heal from bullying in the same place as you were hurt by it". Maybe be smart enough to say that to me at the time. And in any case, I believed in my bosses going to empower me. So hey, I stayed. And look what happened. So yeah, my fault? Really? This is my doing? That makes me feel so goddam great 🙄😖 I already feel shit in so many ways, lets add being a f up too!

So what next for us? Have you contemplated? I literally cant believe after everything I've tried to do my best with in this world, that this is where I've found myself. Wtaf. No other option?

Its so good to hear your story. Thank you for your openness and sharing your vulnerability. We're not in this forum lightly. I literally cant believe I'm here.
 
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Buh-bye!

jkfajsd
Jan 10, 2024
368
Hi guys, I hope y'all respond to me and I hope its nice lol. I have so many thoughts but my main thought is that I hope we all get relief from suffering. I'll read different things in the chat and it honestly breaks my heart how many of us are struggling for whatever reason (childhood trauma, physical illness, mental illness (BPD, schizophrenia). At the end of the day, we all want a better life but if that can't be achieved, I hope that we all are able to successfully CTB. In my ideal world, I wouldn't be dealing with illness and I would be able to enjoy the beautiful life that I know is possible for me. I am fortunate in so many ways but unfortunate in the most important way. I am fortunate because I have good parents who care about me alot, I have good friends (maybe not super close but they are sweet and there), I have a good roof over my head and I have access to food. I am unfortunate because I am dealing with a chronic health issue. I am in my late 20s now and in my early 20s I started dealing with a different health issue. That health issue lasted 3 years and a few surgeries later + hella trauma, I was okay. I was okay for 2 years and then a different chronic health issue hit. This one has no 'solution' according to the doctors here in America. This was probably the one scenario I feared more in my life - having a chronic health issue that I can't fix and I'm going to suffer with it. This chronic health issue hit me exactly one year ago. Its been non-stop symptoms. I have cried so much all year long. I stayed up praying to god, hoping he would just heal me. Now, I feel hopeless. I lost my job due to this and had to move back home. This hurt me heavily but worst part is living with this condition and feeling like there is no end in sight. I wish I wasn't on this website to be honest. I wish I didn't feel like my only way out of suffering is to CTB. Then I still have 5 percent hope that maybe just maybe things will get better that there is something I haven't tried yet - homeopathic (which I'm doing), or maybe the next doctor I see might have some magic solution for me. The hope itself also hurts. I'm sorry anyone on here is going through shit. I'm sorry that we can't just press a button and opt out of life because I would be fucking running towards that button. Anyway wanted to share my story and maybe make some friends along the way. Much love,

Bear<3
no wonder you have good friends, you deserve them. i am not the person who says such stuffs like who's deserving of what but your gratefulness towards everything is something of great value. i am glad you exist mate and i am glad i stumbled upon you here. i'd pray for you health maybe sumn works. if it does, we can be glad if it doesn't you seem to have made peace with it ( although i am betting on the optimistic one ). and i am trying to be this sort of person too, grateful, not anytime soon but maybe someday. anyhow bear1234 ( anon ), you got a new friend!
have a good day ahead
I hear you and feel you. I'm in a v similar situation indeed. Its traumatising. How do we face another day of 'no way out'? This is torture. I've lost my identity too. There is nothing of me left I recognise. That compounds the trauma. I'm glad you shared some of who you were. We see you in that memory. We are aware of you inside this illness and recognise the person in you that you truly are. We are all in some kind of pain here and none of us want to be these people. I think ableist society doesnt get that.

Maybe one difference in my story is I could have made a couple of decisions differently. Maybe there is a learning therefore. But shit, this as the lesson. That is an outrageous concept. In no way did I do something so bad or ignorant. Karma? I know deep in my heart I would never have been cruel or bad enough to deserve this type of hell. And I find it mad to think that little old me, the frail and ignorant human, had the responsibility to have a decision in my hands that, if I made the wrong one, sent me here. It wasnt even a decision that was an obvious health choice. Just getting out a job where I felt bullied. I stayed on the promise of action. Every smart know-it-all has now told me "you cant heal from bullying in the same place as you were hurt by it". Maybe be smart enough to say that to me at the time. And in any case, I believed in my bosses going to empower me. So hey, I stayed. And look what happened. So yeah, my fault? Really? This is my doing? That makes me feel so goddam great 🙄😖 I already feel shit in so many ways, lets add being a f up too!

So what next for us? Have you contemplated? I literally cant believe after everything I've tried to do my best with in this world, that this is where I've found myself. Wtaf. No other option?

Its so good to hear your story. Thank you for your openness and sharing your vulnerability. We're not in this forum lightly. I literally cant believe I'm here.
i am literally in somewhat a similar spot and these things like " learn from your past decisions or you're a result of your wrong decisions " these things do hit me real bad mentally. i am at a point where i don't want to face anyone anymore, i am at a point of life that would keep me real well physically and financially too maybe but emotionally or mentally i'd be shattered. and i don't want to stay that way and exist.
not like i didn't give a fight, i tried and tried and tried and fuck i believe i put a lot in, but i guess there's always a little more and i couldn't do it. i am done and i want an escape real quick. so as bear1234 said, i hope well i hope we're all able to successfully ctb soon.
anywasy that was too much of a rant, i just want to tell you that what you think is actually not wrong and it makes real sense.
( wish for you to feel happy and satisfied )
 
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PhDone

Experienced
Jul 29, 2024
268
no wonder you have good friends, you deserve them. i am not the person who says such stuffs like who's deserving of what but your gratefulness towards everything is something of great value. i am glad you exist mate and i am glad i stumbled upon you here. i'd pray for you health maybe sumn works. if it does, we can be glad if it doesn't you seem to have made peace with it ( although i am betting on the optimistic one ). and i am trying to be this sort of person too, grateful, not anytime soon but maybe someday. anyhow bear1234 ( anon ), you got a new friend!
have a good day ahead

i am literally in somewhat a similar spot and these things like " learn from your past decisions or you're a result of your wrong decisions " these things do hit me real bad mentally. i am at a point where i don't want to face anyone anymore, i am at a point of life that would keep me real well physically and financially too maybe but emotionally or mentally i'd be shattered. and i don't want to stay that way and exist.
not like i didn't give a fight, i tried and tried and tried and fuck i believe i put a lot in, but i guess there's always a little more and i couldn't do it. i am done and i want an escape real quick. so as bear1234 said, i hope well i hope we're all able to successfully ctb soon.
anywasy that was too much of a rant, i just want to tell you that what you think is actually not wrong and it makes real sense.
( wish for you to feel happy and satisfied )
Thank you, so appreciate your comments. Its really nice to have someone understand and support how I've tried to make sense of all this. And yes, same, I have given literally everything in me to make a good life happen. Did I make mistakes? Sure. But plenty people I know have made far worse and are not in torturous lives or mental spaces now. Did I have a shit load of tough stuff to deal with whilst I put in to life? Holy crap yes. But i kept going. Maybe I shouldnt have. Maybe I should have gone on vacation and sat still and watched more. But shit, I was goddam trying.

I am exhausted with what ive put in tbh. And I'm here??? Wtaf. I absolutely cannot believe it.

Thank you so much for your words 🙏
 
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aslank98

aslank98

Member
Nov 12, 2021
48
I'm exactly the same friend, I know my life would have turned out different if I wasn't born with neurological disorders.

I actually have quite a lot of things to be grateful for, my parents, I have a home and access to food. I can drive. But I hate being dependent on my parents. They aren't going to be here forever. The world is a struggle for ordinary folk, and I was born with these disorders that it makes it more difficult.

I hate being in this situation where I feel I have a limited amount of choices in life. It actually kills me inside. I know that in the right circumstances life can be fairly enjoyable, but for me I see few choices in my future.

It makes it even harder to go through with ending it. I really don't want to hurt my family but I can't stay stuck like this forever. Stuck in this limbo state, then again perhaps it's just a phase and it'll pass. I've been in this situation a few times.

I take solace in knowing that I have a way to exit with SN. I also take solace in knowing everybody dies one day. This place isn't forever. It's just a temporary experience. No matter how painful physically or psychologically this doesn't last forever.

Chronic pain is horrible, I've dealt with a fair amount of joint pain and muscle tightness. It's absolutely unbearable, to live like that. Just another reason to hate this silly human body and experience.

I hope things get better for all of us, I hope we can all find peace in our futures 🙏

I think we always have choices and ultimately we have do what's right for ourselves and others. I desire peace and freedom but I don't want to harm or hurt others.
 
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Buh-bye!

jkfajsd
Jan 10, 2024
368
Thank you, so appreciate your comments. Its really nice to have someone understand and support how I've tried to make sense of all this. And yes, same, I have given literally everything in me to make a good life happen. Did I make mistakes? Sure. But plenty people I know have made far worse and are not in torturous lives or mental spaces now. Did I have a shit load of tough stuff to deal with whilst I put in to life? Holy crap yes. But i kept going. Maybe I shouldnt have. Maybe I should have gone on vacation and sat still and watched more. But shit, I was goddam trying.

I am exhausted with what ive put in tbh. And I'm here??? Wtaf. I absolutely cannot believe it.
what you say sounds even upsetting because i know i have felt this way even though in a minor sense, not as deep as you have. but yeah i get these things and i believe our thoughts are very well justified. in the end it all just comes down to ourselves, so there's no wrong in having any thought we feel is worth having.
Thank you so much for your words 🙏
you too mate, wish you a satisfactory journey ahead
I'm exactly the same friend, I know my life would have turned out different if I wasn't born with neurological disorders.

I actually have quite a lot of things to be grateful for, my parents, I have a home and access to food. I can drive. But I hate being dependent on my parents. They aren't going to be here forever. The world is a struggle for ordinary folk, and I was born with these disorders that it makes it more difficult.

I hate being in this situation where I feel I have a limited amount of choices in life. It actually kills me inside. I know that in the right circumstances life can be fairly enjoyable, but for me I see few choices in my future.

It makes it even harder to go through with ending it. I really don't want to hurt my family but I can't stay stuck like this forever. Stuck in this limbo state, then again perhaps it's just a phase and it'll pass. I've been in this situation a few times.

I take solace in knowing that I have a way to exit with SN. I also take solace in knowing everybody dies one day. This place isn't forever. It's just a temporary experience. No matter how painful physically or psychologically this doesn't last forever.

Chronic pain is horrible, I've dealt with a fair amount of joint pain and muscle tightness. It's absolutely unbearable, to live like that. Just another reason to hate this silly human body and experience.

I hope things get better for all of us, I hope we can all find peace in our futures 🙏

I think we always have choices and ultimately we have do what's right for ourselves and others. I desire peace and freedom but I don't want to harm or hurt others.
thank you for those words bud, that was real kind. really upsetting that you have to go through such fuckin unfairness, so does OP. i wish for a peaceful future for you too.
 
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Bear1234

Student
Jul 8, 2024
136
I hear you and feel you. I'm in a v similar situation indeed. Its traumatising. How do we face another day of 'no way out'? This is torture. I've lost my identity too. There is nothing of me left I recognise. That compounds the trauma. I'm glad you shared some of who you were. We see you in that memory. We are aware of you inside this illness and recognise the person in you that you truly are. We are all in some kind of pain here and none of us want to be these people. I think ableist society doesnt get that.

Maybe one difference in my story is I could have made a couple of decisions differently. Maybe there is a learning therefore. But shit, this as the lesson. That is an outrageous concept. In no way did I do something so bad or ignorant. Karma? I know deep in my heart I would never have been cruel or bad enough to deserve this type of hell. And I find it mad to think that little old me, the frail and ignorant human, had the responsibility to have a decision in my hands that, if I made the wrong one, sent me here. It wasnt even a decision that was an obvious health choice. Just getting out a job where I felt bullied. I stayed on the promise of action. Every smart know-it-all has now told me "you cant heal from bullying in the same place as you were hurt by it". Maybe be smart enough to say that to me at the time. And in any case, I believed in my bosses going to empower me. So hey, I stayed. And look what happened. So yeah, my fault? Really? This is my doing? That makes me feel so goddam great 🙄😖 I already feel shit in so many ways, lets add being a f up too!

So what next for us? Have you contemplated? I literally cant believe after everything I've tried to do my best with in this world, that this is where I've found myself. Wtaf. No other option?

Its so good to hear your story. Thank you for your openness and sharing your vulnerability. We're not in this forum lightly. I literally cant believe I'm here.
Its so fucking traumatizing. Thank you for seeing my truth. I really am more than this fucking illness. People who are able are so damn lucky. But honestly, thats just insane to me. Even if this was a fucking lesson, its an insane lesson. Its not even a lesson anymore, its just cruelty. Like, yes of course we make mistakes and there are lessons to be learned there but this is just cruel and not a 'lesson'. A 'lesson' does not last like this and make you want to CTB. I think its karma sometimes too and then im like was i really that fucked enough that I deserve this? I don't think so. These decision we made, can't mean we are deserving of hell like this. Thats insane. Honestly I don't even want to live in a world like that. So I have an appointment in August with another doctor and I am hoping that there is some miracle solution for how shitty ive been treated. I can't imagine really CTB'ing. I have my SN and AE ordered but to actually go through with it breaks my heart. I hear you friend, its not an easy thing to be here, to even prepare your death. Its incredibly hard. Im praying for everyone on this forum. we deserve peace.
no wonder you have good friends, you deserve them. i am not the person who says such stuffs like who's deserving of what but your gratefulness towards everything is something of great value. i am glad you exist mate and i am glad i stumbled upon you here. i'd pray for you health maybe sumn works. if it does, we can be glad if it doesn't you seem to have made peace with it ( although i am betting on the optimistic one ). and i am trying to be this sort of person too, grateful, not anytime soon but maybe someday. anyhow bear1234 ( anon ), you got a new friend!
have a good day ahead

i am literally in somewhat a similar spot and these things like " learn from your past decisions or you're a result of your wrong decisions " these things do hit me real bad mentally. i am at a point where i don't want to face anyone anymore, i am at a point of life that would keep me real well physically and financially too maybe but emotionally or mentally i'd be shattered. and i don't want to stay that way and exist.
not like i didn't give a fight, i tried and tried and tried and fuck i believe i put a lot in, but i guess there's always a little more and i couldn't do it. i am done and i want an escape real quick. so as bear1234 said, i hope well i hope we're all able to successfully ctb soon.
anywasy that was too much of a rant, i just want to tell you that what you think is actually not wrong and it makes real sense.
( wish for you to feel happy and satisfied )
Thank you for saying such kind words <3 I appreciate it so much. Thank you for seeing the light in me while there is darkness around me. Thank you for praying for me too, it means so much. Maybe it will actually be answered. I might PM you at some point. Having friends that understand what you are going through is really nice to be honest.
I'm exactly the same friend, I know my life would have turned out different if I wasn't born with neurological disorders.

I actually have quite a lot of things to be grateful for, my parents, I have a home and access to food. I can drive. But I hate being dependent on my parents. They aren't going to be here forever. The world is a struggle for ordinary folk, and I was born with these disorders that it makes it more difficult.

I hate being in this situation where I feel I have a limited amount of choices in life. It actually kills me inside. I know that in the right circumstances life can be fairly enjoyable, but for me I see few choices in my future.

It makes it even harder to go through with ending it. I really don't want to hurt my family but I can't stay stuck like this forever. Stuck in this limbo state, then again perhaps it's just a phase and it'll pass. I've been in this situation a few times.

I take solace in knowing that I have a way to exit with SN. I also take solace in knowing everybody dies one day. This place isn't forever. It's just a temporary experience. No matter how painful physically or psychologically this doesn't last forever.

Chronic pain is horrible, I've dealt with a fair amount of joint pain and muscle tightness. It's absolutely unbearable, to live like that. Just another reason to hate this silly human body and experience.

I hope things get better for all of us, I hope we can all find peace in our futures 🙏

I think we always have choices and ultimately we have do what's right for ourselves and others. I desire peace and freedom but I don't want to harm or hurt others.
Im sorry that life already started you off with the short end of the stick. Tbh i think about this a lot and even if by some miracle I get better, how do i get over the fact that there is so much illness, darkness, and rough things other people are experiencing. The fact that all this darkness is allowed to exist is incredibly hurtful. The limited amount of choices hurt so much, I know what you mean friend. its like the concept of free will doesn't even really exist for us. I know , the thought of CTB'ing honestly scares the fuck out of me. It just hurts to be in a place where you feel so low that this feels like the only option out. The limbo state, the question of, can I continue like this? My SN is on the way and I already have the AE. Thank you for saying that. It also gives me peace that this place isnt forever, we all die one day. <3 I hope things get better for both of us <3 At least we have the choice to CTB and i do think I am fortunate that I was able to get my hands on SN and AE before anything became illegal.
 
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My_name_is_Luka

Specialist
Apr 28, 2020
326
I'm sorry for your situation and I can relate, having a chronic incurable condition.
What I find more scary is the interaction with doctors; when they know that there are no effective treatments, they seem to be dismissive and if the patient keeps showing up to ask for help, they treat him like a burden.
Last week I was taken to a psychiatric emergency for having said to the doctor that it was years that I reached them for help and their continuous denying a proper assessment made me suicidal. As soon as he heard the word, he raised the phone.

Today I was again with the therapist and made clear that my mental condition was impacted by the lack of support from the hospital for handling the symptoms caused by my condition. And that I couldn't understand why therapists do not act as mediators between patient and doctor, instead of thinking all the time that the problem is in the head of the patient. She got quite annoyed and kept saying that the psychiatric unit could only offer antidepressant medications or recovery in a ward for psychotherapy.

I felt like she was trying to force me inside a broken health system and gave me labels as hypochondriac, excessive fears, etc..
All she wanted to know was "today are you suicidal or not?". If I had a nitrogen mask I would not think twice.

Did you have the same experiences with doctors and psychotherapists?
I think that if you have good parents and you can talk to them about how you are feeling devastated, it is probably more helpful as they are honestly concerned about you, and won't tell you that your session for today is over.
 
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PhDone

Experienced
Jul 29, 2024
268
Its so fucking traumatizing. Thank you for seeing my truth. I really am more than this fucking illness. People who are able are so damn lucky. But honestly, thats just insane to me. Even if this was a fucking lesson, its an insane lesson. Its not even a lesson anymore, its just cruelty. Like, yes of course we make mistakes and there are lessons to be learned there but this is just cruel and not a 'lesson'. A 'lesson' does not last like this and make you want to CTB. I think its karma sometimes too and then im like was i really that fucked enough that I deserve this? I don't think so. These decision we made, can't mean we are deserving of hell like this. Thats insane. Honestly I don't even want to live in a world like that. So I have an appointment in August with another doctor and I am hoping that there is some miracle solution for how shitty ive been treated. I can't imagine really CTB'ing. I have my SN and AE ordered but to actually go through with it breaks my heart. I hear you friend, its not an easy thing to be here, to even prepare your death. Its incredibly hard. Im praying for everyone on this forum. we deserve peace.

Thank you for saying such kind words <3 I appreciate it so much. Thank you for seeing the light in me while there is darkness around me. Thank you for praying for me too, it means so much. Maybe it will actually be answered. I might PM you at some point. Having friends that understand what you are going through is really nice to be honest.

Im sorry that life already started you off with the short end of the stick. Tbh i think about this a lot and even if by some miracle I get better, how do i get over the fact that there is so much illness, darkness, and rough things other people are experiencing. The fact that all this darkness is allowed to exist is incredibly hurtful. The limited amount of choices hurt so much, I know what you mean friend. its like the concept of free will doesn't even really exist for us. I know , the thought of CTB'ing honestly scares the fuck out of me. It just hurts to be in a place where you feel so low that this feels like the only option out. The limbo state, the question of, can I continue like this? My SN is on the way and I already have the AE. Thank you for saying that. It also gives me peace that this place isnt forever, we all die one day. <3 I hope things get better for both of us <3 At least we have the choice to CTB and i do think I am fortunate that I was able to get my hands on SN and AE before anything became illegal.
You're totally right. This is no longer a lesson. Its torture and cruelty minute by minute of every day. And as you said no free will. So we are chained to this suffering and for me the disease is endless and no cure. At least for now, people in my illness community are just holding out for some research. Jeez, that is likely decades away. Meanwhile we're in prison, torture. I watched a show of a prison warden doing an experiment with inmates of high lockdown wing (i.e. the worst of the worst). He was giving them free reign in return for them understanding fucking it up would have big consequences. So these people, people who by their own admission have no desire to rehabilitate from lives of repeated stabbings, murders and acts of violence against society, have more free will, and an end date to their jail time. So tell me again where the fair lesson is?

Maybe karma for them is in the next life. But if we are reincarnated as a new person but same soul, as someone pretty in touch with their soul, I am confident in saying I havent racked up prior crimes of such violence and inhumanity, that I deserve torture. If I have then my heart breaks for myself even more than how I deplore myself having arrived here in life anyway.

Sure, I would make different decisions. So yes, lessons to be learned. But I cant learn them from here and when I pass its going to feel like coming up for air post drowning. I am trapped under water and being held down in it paralysed.

Do I want to ctb? Hell no. I am shit scared of it. I value life, value its beauty, its experiences. I want to LIVE goddam it. But I am not living. I am existing in suffering and torture and I am shit scared every fucking day. How many days do I wake in terror before I go "one last day, maybe an almighty terror day, but then I dont have to wake in this any more"? I am preparing for that because I cant take this much longer. I never, ever, for one minute contemplated this being a possibility in my life. My nana ctb'd when I was 13yo. I used to wonder how awful things had gotten for a beautiful person to have seen no way out. Always thought she'd remain the relative that kindov was the dark bit of our family story. Fuck. Now here's me in the same boat. I am literally screaming inside "someone help me" and no one is coming. I fucking hate that I will hurt people or scar this family. Ffs I've worked my whole life to do something good with my life. But here I am. Wtaf happened.

Yeah, I'm not sure any of us want to go through ctb, we just don't want to be in torture any more.

Thank you for this super open discussion. Its massive to be able to say these thoughts out loud. …can't believe I'm even having them!
 
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Bear1234

Student
Jul 8, 2024
136
I'm sorry for your situation and I can relate, having a chronic incurable condition.
What I find more scary is the interaction with doctors; when they know that there are no effective treatments, they seem to be dismissive and if the patient keeps showing up to ask for help, they treat him like a burden.
Last week I was taken to a psychiatric emergency for having said to the doctor that it was years that I reached them for help and their continuous denying a proper assessment made me suicidal. As soon as he heard the word, he raised the phone.

Today I was again with the therapist and made clear that my mental condition was impacted by the lack of support from the hospital for handling the symptoms caused by my condition. And that I couldn't understand why therapists do not act as mediators between patient and doctor, instead of thinking all the time that the problem is in the head of the patient. She got quite annoyed and kept saying that the psychiatric unit could only offer antidepressant medications or recovery in a ward for psychotherapy.

I felt like she was trying to force me inside a broken health system and gave me labels as hypochondriac, excessive fears, etc..
All she wanted to know was "today are you suicidal or not?". If I had a nitrogen mask I would not think twice.

Did you have the same experiences with doctors and psychotherapists?
I think that if you have good parents and you can talk to them about how you are feeling devastated, it is probably more helpful as they are honestly concerned about you, and won't tell you that your session for today is over.
Interactions with doctors are literally terrifying. I fucking hate it. They just expect you to move on with your life and dude its like I wanna see them try to go through this shit. Wow, I can't believe the doc called the psych on you. I'm sorry dude. You had enough on your plate. Same on the nitrogen mask, if I had a button that would allow me to escape, I would not think twice before pressing that shit. In our world, everyone is quick to say all this is in your head and want to act like your symptoms are due to your mental health when actually its the other way around. The fact that my physical health is suffering is why I am depressed. You dumb nuts. My parents are very sweet but sadly they can't take away my pain or experience. I have an appointment coming up in August and praying for some miracle for my health. I also hope the doctor is nice and knowledgeable but I wont know until i meet them.
You're totally right. This is no longer a lesson. Its torture and cruelty minute by minute of every day. And as you said no free will. So we are chained to this suffering and for me the disease is endless and no cure. At least for now, people in my illness community are just holding out for some research. Jeez, that is likely decades away. Meanwhile we're in prison, torture. I watched a show of a prison warden doing an experiment with inmates of high lockdown wing (i.e. the worst of the worst). He was giving them free reign in return for them understanding fucking it up would have big consequences. So these people, people who by their own admission have no desire to rehabilitate from lives of repeated stabbings, murders and acts of violence against society, have more free will, and an end date to their jail time. So tell me again where the fair lesson is?

Maybe karma for them is in the next life. But if we are reincarnated as a new person but same soul, as someone pretty in touch with their soul, I am confident in saying I havent racked up prior crimes of such violence and inhumanity, that I deserve torture. If I have then my heart breaks for myself even more than how I deplore myself having arrived here in life anyway.

Sure, I would make different decisions. So yes, lessons to be learned. But I cant learn them from here and when I pass its going to feel like coming up for air post drowning. I am trapped under water and being held down in it paralysed.

Do I want to ctb? Hell no. I am shit scared of it. I value life, value its beauty, its experiences. I want to LIVE goddam it. But I am not living. I am existing in suffering and torture and I am shit scared every fucking day. How many days do I wake in terror before I go "one last day, maybe an almighty terror day, but then I dont have to wake in this any more"? I am preparing for that because I cant take this much longer. I never, ever, for one minute contemplated this being a possibility in my life. My nana ctb'd when I was 13yo. I used to wonder how awful things had gotten for a beautiful person to have seen no way out. Always thought she'd remain the relative that kindov was the dark bit of our family story. Fuck. Now here's me in the same boat. I am literally screaming inside "someone help me" and no one is coming. I fucking hate that I will hurt people or scar this family. Ffs I've worked my whole life to do something good with my life. But here I am. Wtaf happened.

Yeah, I'm not sure any of us want to go through ctb, we just don't want to be in torture any more.

Thank you for this super open discussion. Its massive to be able to say these thoughts out loud. …can't believe I'm even having them!
Lessons aren't like this. They just aren't and this just doesn't feel like a free will situation. I believe everything is pre-written for us. It could be good and could be bad. Sometimes bad times last longer and you wonder if good times will ever come. We truly can't tell our future so we don't know. Thats the scary part and also what stops me from CTB'ing so soon because what if life turns around. Research is not something we can rely on and will prob take fucking years. Honestly by the time we die, they might start to come up with some shit. damn the prison thing sounds interesting, at least someone gets free will possibly. Theres no way you have done that kinda harm that this is a lesson for you. I hope you aren't blaming yourself that way. I know its hard because I too did that for awhile but its just not true. its fucked up and thats the truth. I feel similarly. I hope one day we both get that breath of air and no longer feel like we are drowning. I'm sorry that your troubles have led you here. Its not fun to feel like CTB is the only way out. You deserve more. Like you, I also value life, I've seen and enjoyed beautiful things. There is a difference in existing and living and right now its just existing and its ass. This I know its incredibly painful to feel this way. I know you don't want to CTB and neither do I. I get it dude. My mentally is that I deserve to live a quality of life and if I can't have that, I love myself enough to CTB outta here. Now I say that but actually don't it are 2 different things. But at some point it , I might take the plunge. You are a good person and its unfortunate that this is your circumstance. No matter what, remember that you being ill is not your fault. I used to think that when I was young too but now I understand how much darkness is in the world and tbh I wish I could continue living without ever realizing how dark life can be. Physical illness will quickly make you realize how dark life can be. I hope one day you do magically come out of it because then you actually move on with life. If we were dogs, they would euthanize us already. We just don't want the torture. Also glad you have an open space to talk <3
 
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My_name_is_Luka

Specialist
Apr 28, 2020
326
In our world, everyone is quick to say all this is in your head and want to act like your symptoms are due to your mental health when actually its the other way around.
You're young but you're so introspective for having come to this understanding of your situation. And you seem to be able to develop your own opinion without being influenced by doctors.
I'm twice your age.

It would be nice for once to reverse the tables with these doctors and psychologists. And as they suffer, keep telling them that they are hypochondriac and all they need is medication against depression. Maybe they would understand that their attitude can only make sufferers more suicidal because their pain is being trivialized.

I hope that the new doctor will be more understanding.
If you need to take something off your chest, we're here to listen to you
 
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Bear1234

Student
Jul 8, 2024
136
You're young but you're so introspective for having come to this understanding of your situation. And you seem to be able to develop your own opinion without being influenced by doctors.
I'm twice your age.

It would be nice for once to reverse the tables with these doctors and psychologists. And as they suffer, keep telling them that they are hypochondriac and all they need is medication against depression. Maybe they would understand that their attitude can only make sufferers more suicidal because their pain is being trivialized.

I hope that the new doctor will be more understanding.
If you need to take something off your chest, we're here to listen to you
Thank you for your kind words <3. To be very honest, it hurts to have to come to this realization at a young age. Kinda wish I could have been a kid longer. It would be nice if they got see whats up, but I don't think that will happen in my lifetime. My prayer is that this new doctor can possibly help me. Im just really close to breaking. I hope I don't have to CTB because thats my only choice. I hope my life gets better and I hope that a miracle happens. I deserve a miracle. We all do. Thanks for listening, Im sorry you are going through this as well.
 
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PhDone

Experienced
Jul 29, 2024
268
Interactions with doctors are literally terrifying. I fucking hate it. They just expect you to move on with your life and dude its like I wanna see them try to go through this shit. Wow, I can't believe the doc called the psych on you. I'm sorry dude. You had enough on your plate. Same on the nitrogen mask, if I had a button that would allow me to escape, I would not think twice before pressing that shit. In our world, everyone is quick to say all this is in your head and want to act like your symptoms are due to your mental health when actually its the other way around. The fact that my physical health is suffering is why I am depressed. You dumb nuts. My parents are very sweet but sadly they can't take away my pain or experience. I have an appointment coming up in August and praying for some miracle for my health. I also hope the doctor is nice and knowledgeable but I wont know until i meet them.

Lessons aren't like this. They just aren't and this just doesn't feel like a free will situation. I believe everything is pre-written for us. It could be good and could be bad. Sometimes bad times last longer and you wonder if good times will ever come. We truly can't tell our future so we don't know. Thats the scary part and also what stops me from CTB'ing so soon because what if life turns around. Research is not something we can rely on and will prob take fucking years. Honestly by the time we die, they might start to come up with some shit. damn the prison thing sounds interesting, at least someone gets free will possibly. Theres no way you have done that kinda harm that this is a lesson for you. I hope you aren't blaming yourself that way. I know its hard because I too did that for awhile but its just not true. its fucked up and thats the truth. I feel similarly. I hope one day we both get that breath of air and no longer feel like we are drowning. I'm sorry that your troubles have led you here. Its not fun to feel like CTB is the only way out. You deserve more. Like you, I also value life, I've seen and enjoyed beautiful things. There is a difference in existing and living and right now its just existing and its ass. This I know its incredibly painful to feel this way. I know you don't want to CTB and neither do I. I get it dude. My mentally is that I deserve to live a quality of life and if I can't have that, I love myself enough to CTB outta here. Now I say that but actually don't it are 2 different things. But at some point it , I might take the plunge. You are a good person and its unfortunate that this is your circumstance. No matter what, remember that you being ill is not your fault. I used to think that when I was young too but now I understand how much darkness is in the world and tbh I wish I could continue living without ever realizing how dark life can be. Physical illness will quickly make you realize how dark life can be. I hope one day you do magically come out of it because then you actually move on with life. If we were dogs, they would euthanize us already. We just don't want the torture. Also glad you have an open space to talk <3
Thank you and I cant tell you how much your words have helped. I honestly have felt that I've fully fucked up life. Its like this game we are learning to play and create a successful future in. And I fucked it. Trying to get through the levels and arrive at a place where I've bagged all the tool kit: house, job, love, security, community, purpose. Been striving and studying so hard. Decisions that led me here were mine. So I did bring me to the place where health fell over. It feels like I blew the game level I reached. Total fuck up. But I didnt deserve its suffering. Its torture. So thank you for telling me its not my fault and for sharing your own experiences. You are right its a choice to value yourself more than to exist like this. Just sat every day, the world not changing, no different view, no people in and out your day, feeling ill and tortured by the pictures coming into your social media from the outside world. I hate the thought of ctb, I'm sure most people here do, but the choice v's daily suffering and sat alone with no life. And my illness is not curable and people live in fucked up ways with it for decades. I'm severe but not as severe as some. But my life circumstances its caused me are now so fucked up too its not sustainable.

Beyond being so goddam sad about facing ctb as the only option, the only thing that worries me is all the religions are anti ctb and say there is a cost. I dont want to inflict pain on those that care for me. But they are not here in this suffering with me. Some say you just pass that suffering on. But I dont think you do, you will pass pain on for sure, but not the terror, screaming fear of being trapped in your body, unable to breathe or live life. You wont pass on the isolation and lack of friends or socialising. You wont pass on the vulnerability and total insecurity of being unable to work or have autonomy to look after yourself and make sure you can live safely.

Cant tell you what your words meant. Saying I'm a good person. I needed to be reminded of that. Coz honestly this place, this prison of sickness, makes me dark. I wanted to be a light in this world more than anything. I hope for you and all of us we find peace 🙏
 
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Bear1234

Student
Jul 8, 2024
136
Thank you and I cant tell you how much your words have helped. I honestly have felt that I've fully fucked up life. Its like this game we are learning to play and create a successful future in. And I fucked it. Trying to get through the levels and arrive at a place where I've bagged all the tool kit: house, job, love, security, community, purpose. Been striving and studying so hard. Decisions that led me here were mine. So I did bring me to the place where health fell over. It feels like I blew the game level I reached. Total fuck up. But I didnt deserve its suffering. Its torture. So thank you for telling me its not my fault and for sharing your own experiences. You are right its a choice to value yourself more than to exist like this. Just sat every day, the world not changing, no different view, no people in and out your day, feeling ill and tortured by the pictures coming into your social media from the outside world. I hate the thought of ctb, I'm sure most people here do, but the choice v's daily suffering and sat alone with no life. And my illness is not curable and people live in fucked up ways with it for decades. I'm severe but not as severe as some. But my life circumstances its caused me are now so fucked up too its not sustainable.

Beyond being so goddam sad about facing ctb as the only option, the only thing that worries me is all the religions are anti ctb and say there is a cost. I dont want to inflict pain on those that care for me. But they are not here in this suffering with me. Some say you just pass that suffering on. But I dont think you do, you will pass pain on for sure, but not the terror, screaming fear of being trapped in your body, unable to breathe or live life. You wont pass on the isolation and lack of friends or socialising. You wont pass on the vulnerability and total insecurity of being unable to work or have autonomy to look after yourself and make sure you can live safely.

Cant tell you what your words meant. Saying I'm a good person. I needed to be reminded of that. Coz honestly this place, this prison of sickness, makes me dark. I wanted to be a light in this world more than anything. I hope for you and all of us we find peace 🙏
You may have made mistakes but you didn't deserve to be at this point and I stand by that. Its harder to feel that you are missing out on life due to your illness. I hope things change. Thats what I continuously want so bad but if it doesn't, I know I have a way out but it will take me time to come to terms with it. Daily suffering is not it. its just cruel. Tbh religion was man made. This is something humans have been just saying, we don't know how much truth is there to it. I do believe that I am a good person and that I am truly just trying to give myself the best chance. If "god' can't see that, then thats not truly a god. God should be good and forgives, so if there is one, he should forgive you for whatever you choose to do. No person knows your true suffering besides you. Thats just how it is, your family can love you and your friends can love you but its not enough. Its not enough to keep the suffering out. It nice, the love. But its doesn't stop the suffering. Remember that your intention is pure and thats all that matters. Of course <3 you're welcome and I hope you find peace and light because you deserve it. I hope I find it too.
 
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PhDone

Experienced
Jul 29, 2024
268
You may have made mistakes but you didn't deserve to be at this point and I stand by that. Its harder to feel that you are missing out on life due to your illness. I hope things change. Thats what I continuously want so bad but if it doesn't, I know I have a way out but it will take me time to come to terms with it. Daily suffering is not it. its just cruel. Tbh religion was man made. This is something humans have been just saying, we don't know how much truth is there to it. I do believe that I am a good person and that I am truly just trying to give myself the best chance. If "god' can't see that, then thats not truly a god. God should be good and forgives, so if there is one, he should forgive you for whatever you choose to do. No person knows your true suffering besides you. Thats just how it is, your family can love you and your friends can love you but its not enough. Its not enough to keep the suffering out. It nice, the love. But its doesn't stop the suffering. Remember that your intention is pure and thats all that matters. Of course <3 you're welcome and I hope you find peace and light because you deserve it. I hope I find it too.
Such a beautiful and meaningful post. I hope you find it too.
 
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