Venting severing ties with my mom (advice please)

[kyuuketsuki]

so for the past few months, i've not been talking to my mom because she and my brother said some very terrible things to me. i could go into depth but that would make this post longer than it already will be and isn't the point. essentially blaming me for not being happy, saying i use my trauma (that i almost never mention to them) as an excuse for being a failure and saying they're sick of hearing me be depressed on the one weekly group phone call we used to have.
yesterday, i tried to talk through things with my mom. i told her she would lose me if she didn't stop treating me poorly / gaslighting me / denying things that really happened. but she couldn't stop. she just kept denying it and deflecting blame and defending others who have hurt me. she says she cares, but her actions have always said differently. i was trying to get her to stop looking down on me for my abusive childhood, where i was neglected and abused verbally, physically, and sexually by several different people, and how that affects me still as an adult. why i can't just be "normal" yet, but i want to be so badly. she denies most of it. has outright said in the past i was never neglected or abused because "you always had a roof over your head, food to eat, and we didn't live in a trailer."
when i CAN get her to acknowledge any of it, she says she didn't do any of it herself or that she didn't know it was happening or that she was going through her own trauma. she always takes a very "get over it, you're not the only one who has trauma" attitude about it. in the end she just began mocking me, so i stopped responding. she's twice my age, but feels so much more immature. i poured my heart out as honestly as i could, told her this was the end if things didn't change, and she still chose to mock me. so for my own mental well-being, i have to cut her out. thankfully i don't live with her anymore, so it's much easier to do that if i have the willpower.

my heart feels like it's broken. i've been trying to keep my chin up and fight for a better future, but i've essentially just lost my mom. she wasn't a very good mom most of the time, but she was my mom, so i loved her so much nonetheless. i think her treatment of me comes from the fact she never really wanted me, as i was conceived non-consensually. i wish she'd never had a child under such circumstances or put me up for adoption or something, because i've spent my whole life feeling like an unwanted burden. i think she assumes i'll be back no matter what, but i know she's a net negative on my mental health and i can't if i have any self-respect.

the pain of losing her feels like it's tearing me apart, especially since it doesn't seem like she even cared enough to take the conversation seriously. i wanted to believe she could change, that she would if it was as serious as losing me. i'm trying to stay motivated to keep getting better instead of just letting myself pass away. my ED has been back with a vengeance this winter, comorbid with my OCD it's probably the easiest it's ever been for me to just not eat at all, i'm struggling to survive day-to-day. but i don't want to die here, i want to keep fighting for the life i want, even if i know it will never be as good as i see it in my head. but it feels like i essentially just went through a breakup with my mom and i love her so much and i wanted her to love me so much. i feel so jealous when i see / read about people with healthy relationships with their parents. i have no mother or father in my life, yay, i get both mommy and daddy issues. i know i'm supposed to be an adult, but inside i feel like the same scared small child who just wanted to be loved.

the point of this post is, how do i go on from here? has anybody been through anything similar? can someone please give me some advice on what to do with this grief? what should i do? do i wait and hope i get over it like any other break-up? do i go running and crying back to her even if i know she'll never change?

 

[etherealgoddess]

so for the past few months, i've not been talking to my mom because she and my brother said some very terrible things to me. i could go into depth but that would make this post longer than it already will be and isn't the point. essentially blaming me for not being happy, saying i use my trauma (that i almost never mention to them) as an excuse for being a failure and saying they're sick of hearing me be depressed on the one weekly group phone call we used to have.
yesterday, i tried to talk through things with my mom. i told her she would lose me if she didn't stop treating me poorly / gaslighting me / denying things that really happened. but she couldn't stop. she just kept denying it and deflecting blame and defending others who have hurt me. she says she cares, but her actions have always said differently. i was trying to get her to stop looking down on me for my abusive childhood, where i was neglected and abused verbally, physically, and sexually by several different people, and how that affects me still as an adult. why i can't just be "normal" yet, but i want to be so badly. she denies most of it. has outright said in the past i was never neglected or abused because "you always had a roof over your head, food to eat, and we didn't live in a trailer."
when i CAN get her to acknowledge any of it, she says she didn't do any of it herself or that she didn't know it was happening or that she was going through her own trauma. she always takes a very "get over it, you're not the only one who has trauma" attitude about it. in the end she just began mocking me, so i stopped responding. she's twice my age, but feels so much more immature. i poured my heart out as honestly as i could, told her this was the end if things didn't change, and she still chose to mock me. so for my own mental well-being, i have to cut her out. thankfully i don't live with her anymore, so it's much easier to do that if i have the willpower.

my heart feels like it's broken. i've been trying to keep my chin up and fight for a better future, but i've essentially just lost my mom. she wasn't a very good mom most of the time, but she was my mom, so i loved her so much nonetheless. i think her treatment of me comes from the fact she never really wanted me, as i was conceived non-consensually. i wish she'd never had a child under such circumstances or put me up for adoption or something, because i've spent my whole life feeling like an unwanted burden. i think she assumes i'll be back no matter what, but i know she's a net negative on my mental health and i can't if i have any self-respect.

the pain of losing her feels like it's tearing me apart, especially since it doesn't seem like she even cared enough to take the conversation seriously. i wanted to believe she could change, that she would if it was as serious as losing me. i'm trying to stay motivated to keep getting better instead of just letting myself pass away. my ED has been back with a vengeance this winter, comorbid with my OCD it's probably the easiest it's ever been for me to just not eat at all, i'm struggling to survive day-to-day. but i don't want to die here, i want to keep fighting for the life i want, even if i know it will never be as good as i see it in my head. but it feels like i essentially just went through a breakup with my mom and i love her so much and i wanted her to love me so much. i feel so jealous when i see / read about people with healthy relationships with their parents. i have no mother or father in my life, yay, i get both mommy and daddy issues. i know i'm supposed to be an adult, but inside i feel like the same scared small child who just wanted to be loved.

the point of this post is, how do i go on from here? has anybody been through anything similar? can someone please give me some advice on what to do with this grief? what should i do? do i wait and hope i get over it like any other break-up? do i go running and crying back to her even if i know she'll never change?

this sounds really bad, but this is just my personal experience. you don't want to cut out your mom. i know that this sounds crazy. but think about how much you're really hurting now that you cut her off. instead, focus on trying to set boundaries. do not focus on trying to change her. i know it's this typical response where ppl tell everyone to cut off their parents, but unless they're being super physically or financially abusive, i would just try to focus more on setting boundaries VS completely cutting her out. hear me out.

i want to say this. i have a mom who constantly denies what has happened to me as well. the reality is that she has so much pain on her own plate, and she's surviving in this world to keep herself and everyone who depends on her afloat. she doesn't have the time to sit down and heal. this isn't about trying to pretend like we didn't suffer and make it seem like their suffering matters more. but essentially, the human psyche was evolved for survival. her body knows she can't truly emotionally handle your state. if she were to emotionally really process her pain and then process your pain, all of her hair would probably fall out. the body knows that if she were truly to come to terms with your trauma, she wouldn't be able to probably keep up with her day-to-day life because any normal mother would be VERYYYY distressed hearing what you are saying. there is a very little chance she is a psychopath because they're rare based on a population-level. it's emotional numbness. so her body immediately tells her to dismiss it and say she doesn't care. deep down, if she really was in tune with how she felt, she would obviously feel horrible. you just see the version of her that is in so much pain. and i know this doesn't make you feel better. this doesn't make her behaviors justifiable. but it's the best way to justify setting boundaries.

it's like when someone gets rejected and then tells everyone how the person who rejected them was ugly and that they didn't really want them anyway. it's her coping. but for her, that's so deep that she probably will never be able to accept she's coping because it's too painful.

the way i see it is that everyone has their true selves plus a part of them that is possessed by old pain and wounds. try to set boundaries with the parts of people that have old pain and wounds. with your own mom, you want to be forgiving because as humans, we feel extremely unsettled and depressed without having family. it's better to have a toxic mom than no mom. i am not saying your situation is easy. it's very hard either way. but it's going to hurt more cutting her off. instead, focus on leaving her presence when she is toxic. and heal those old wounds that make you really want to prove to her that you're in pain. you can find that love within yourself.

i am sorry. it's hard. love you <3

 

[Hvergelmir]

the point of this post is, how do i go on from here? has anybody been through anything similar? can someone please give me some advice on what to do with this grief? what should i do? do i wait and hope i get over it like any other break-up?

It's hard to compare, but what you describe sounds very familiar to what I went through.

I'd like to partially acknowledge previous posters points. We don't want to be stubborn; and we must try to see through facades and poorly chosen words. I'm myself running off pretty tough rhetoric to deal with trauma.
I'm sometimes afraid that an overly validating attitude, justifies and enables people to be stuck in depression and trauma. Framing is important and we ought to strive for resilience. That is not gaslighting, even if it can offend people at times.

My own experience is from a broken family, and half a lifetime of trying to live with it. A year ago I gave up for real, and just dropped any remaining attachment to my mother. Since then, she has not contacted me once, and I've also recovered to the point where life might be salvageable.

My advice would be to cut your losses and care about what matters. In my case the kind of family that ought to be, and the kinds of family I saw others have, mattered a lot. I really wish I had parents worth caring about, but must see reality for what it is - I do not, and haven't had since I was very young.
I'm not advising you to cut anyone off, but to focus on what matters. If that results in discarding friends or family, then so be it.

do i go running and crying back to her even if i know she'll never change?

There's no shame in doing this, if you think it's the right thing to do. Don't let your ego prevent you from mending things, if you believe that to be the best way forward.

A lingering concern I have, is that my mother will die eventually, and I don't know whether to tell the messenger that I'm sorry for their loss, or act as part of the family. I also don't know whether I should relinquish any claims to inherit.
I think it's a good idea to ask yourself the tough question: What about when she dies?

"you always had a roof over your head, food to eat, and we didn't live in a trailer."

I grew up with the same rhetoric.

While it's indeed good that we never had to suffer from malnutrition, or had to worry about succumbing to the weather, it's no way to instill confidence in a child.
To just tell us to shut up, would have been more honest. To feed and house your children is a legal obligations, in any developed society.

 

[witchbimbo]

I cut my mother off over a dace and half ago and haven't regretted it once.

But in some sense, I'm lucky because she never properly bonded with me even as an infant. So at 20, when she said something that made it clear she would never get help (she doesn't believe in mental illness at all apparently), I just cut my losses.

I instantly felt a sense of lightness the second I realized I didn't have to waste time and energy on this obnoxious person who had been justifying abusing me for 2 decades, most of which being while I was a child. I knew I was doing everything I could to get better and she had all but explicitly told me that she would never consider doing the same.

I'm sure it's a lot harder to do when you have a bond and love for your family.
I agree that there's no shame in going back if that's what you decide is right for you. I think it's more important that you allow yourself the time and space from them needed to think about it, it doesn't have to be permanent if they're relationships would saving.

If they'd refuse you that chance, then I'd argue that's the evidence it's not worth it anyways.

So my advice is to focus on taking some time to heal, work on self care, and be comfortable in yourself without those added stressors for now.

Regardless of how this all goes longterm, you're doing yourself a kindness by backing away from those who exasperate your struggles and I know I'm just a stranger but I'm genuinely proud of you for that. It takes a level of self worth you might not even be able to feel right now to recognize that you don't have to talk to people that hurt you.p just because they're related to you. That's huge, even if it's complicated!

 

[deny_conformity]

I cut my mom off at the end of November. I have not for a single second regretted it. It was the right decision for me because I saw no value in the relationship and was just on the receiving end of severe emotional neglect and gas lighting about my childhood. She was never accepting of my mental health struggles and spent longer telling me about how I should feel about things than actually listening to how I felt. Nearly every conversation led to an argument.

You sound like you value the relationship so maybe you need to go back and just set appropriate boundaries.

 

[etherealgoddess]

It's hard to compare, but what you describe sounds very familiar to what I went through.

I'd like to partially acknowledge previous posters points. We don't want to be stubborn; and we must try to see through facades and poorly chosen words. I'm myself running off pretty tough rhetoric to deal with trauma.
I'm sometimes afraid that an overly validating attitude, justifies and enables people to be stuck in depression and trauma. Framing is important and we ought to strive for resilience. That is not gaslighting, even if it can offend people at times.

My own experience is from a broken family, and half a lifetime of trying to live with it. A year ago I gave up for real, and just dropped any remaining attachment to my mother. Since then, she has not contacted me once, and I've also recovered to the point where life might be salvageable.

My advice would be to cut your losses and care about what matters. In my case the kind of family that ought to be, and the kinds of family I saw others have, mattered a lot. I really wish I had parents worth caring about, but must see reality for what it is - I do not, and haven't had since I was very young.
I'm not advising you to cut anyone off, but to focus on what matters. If that results in discarding friends or family, then so be it.

There's no shame in doing this, if you think it's the right thing to do. Don't let your ego prevent you from mending things, if you believe that to be the best way forward.

A lingering concern I have, is that my mother will die eventually, and I don't know whether to tell the messenger that I'm sorry for their loss, or act as part of the family. I also don't know whether I should relinquish any claims to inherit.
I think it's a good idea to ask yourself the tough question: What about when she dies?

I grew up with the same rhetoric.

While it's indeed good that we never had to suffer from malnutrition, or had to worry about succumbing to the weather, it's no way to instill confidence in a child.
To just tell us to shut up, would have been more honest. To feed and house your children is a legal obligations, in any developed society.

I also wanted to say that there is no shame, and I agree with what you said. What I wrote in my post wasn't saying that leaving your mom is shameful. Just clarification