We are in similar suffering I guess. You mind telling about your situation?
Of course. I am not always good at explaining what I am thinking, but I will try.
...I have an old friend, and we used to be close many years back, but I distanced myself from them and a few other close friends in my mid 20's, because at that period in time I was very sure that I would end my life; I had the attitude that there is no point in continuing anything if I will not be around for much longer, so I ceased almost all of my hobbies as well, and stopped trying to pursue a certain job path that I had wanted (and still do) for a long time...
That planned suicide did not happen, but I still did not see the point in doing anything in life because I was still certain that I would commit suicide again in the future. In my late 20's and early 30's I started to see some of my old friends enter relationships, and get jobs because they had gained the necessary experience for them. One of these old friends was the one who I mentioned in my first post; I still have them on my friend lists on certain online platforms. They have posted many photos in the last few years - stretching all the way back to just after the COVID-19 lockdown. They met up with people from our past friend groups, and they also made many new friends at a lot of different social events; though to be fair this friend has always been popular, and for good reason: they are awesome. They also have a partner - as mentioned. To sum this all up: they
lived their lives.
All of this happened from 2020 and onward to the present; the same time I joined Sanctioned Suicide. This was the period in my life when I maintained complete "radio silence" from everybody, because I had a second plan to take my own life before the age of 30... this did not work out, and here I am... still. Meanwhile my old friends were busy socializing, building up job experience and finding loving relationships. Seeing photos of the last 5 years of their (seemingly) exciting lives fills me with dread, because I feel that I have missed out... I
wanted to be there with them, and experience what they were experiencing; just think of the memories I could have made! Think of the people who I could have met! Though I could not do this because I was too mentally drained, empty and anxious to reconnect.
I should have either had a stronger will to kill myself, and actually succeeded just as I had planned years ago, or alternatively: realized that I would not have been successful, and used the last 5 years to reconnect with people and rebuild my life. If I had chosen the second option I could have been in the same position as my old friends; in fact we could have still been close. It is too late to recover now.
I hope this explains my position better. I know my writing is messy. I would have taken longer to write this post, and worded it much better, but I am too tired currently.
