Scared of life

[keg-ireland]

The past 3 years have been a living nightmare for me after being diagnosed with a chronic illness and subsequently negatively affecting my depression (Was well controlled for over 25 years).

If you were to look at my life you would see I have a great home, great job, great family and great friends. But, the depression and constant agitation going on relentlessly for past 2 to 3 years are unbearable. I was hospitalised into a psychiatric unit a few months ago (Voluntary) and left it after a week as I found it made me much worse.

I have a suicide plan made - full suspension hanging with rope and noose already in position for when the time is right. My main problem is when I try to start the process of putting the rope around my neck, I see my parents faces and the devastation and pain I will cause them. I cant get past that. My parents are the most amazing people, my Dad without doubt is my best friend. Then I start thinking "But what about me? I have to stay alive suffering ensuring I will not hurt my family".

Anyone similar situation?
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[sserafim]

I'm also scared of life. I don't want to actually have to live it. I don't think that I was meant to become an adult. I've always felt like I was meant to die young. I don't want to have to adult or live out adulthood. The thought of having to work away my life sounds unappealing and is the main reason why I'm suicidal. For me, it's NEET or rope. I don't want to have to work for the rest of my life. I'd rather die