Running out of ideas running out of time.

[copioushopelessness]

So, most of us are out of ideas huh?
What methods are you thinking about? It seems most of us are considering sn..
I thought my own body would take me out by now, I was so sure I'd die naturally I got rid of a lot of my stuff. Had to anyway..
It's insane how sick I am and still here. I don't want to get sicker.... The human body seems so fragile until you try to give up and your survival instinct keeps holding on.
I sabotaged my method...
Living is hard, dying is harder. Fuck this. I wanted to like life.

 

[WallTermite]

I don't even know what to do anymore. Drowning scares me, but seems like it will be the way to go. My last chance is weakening myself so that my heart gives up. Low potassium might give me that.

 

[copioushopelessness]

I don't even know what to do anymore. Drowning scares me, but seems like it will be the way to go. My last chance is weakening myself so that my heart gives up. Low potassium might give me that.

I know what you mean. For some reason I have figured it may come down to drowning. There's a bridge near me but Im afraid of heights and might survive for a minute once I hit the water.
I've lived with chronically low potassium for years. Many scares, bad ekgs, woken up in the cardiac unit. For some reason it's still ticking.

I don't even know what to do anymore. Drowning scares me, but seems like it will be the way to go. My last chance is weakening myself so that my heart gives up. Low potassium might give me that.

Low potassium is a killer but so is high potassium or magnesium. Heart attack sounds painful and that amount of magnesium would make you shit yourself but it's an option, I suppose.

 

[gomikasu]

I've managed to get a gun (U!S!A!) so I've got my ticket out. I've been finishing up my end of life preperations, writing a note, wiping my pc/phone but haven't picked a day yet.

 

[copioushopelessness]

I've managed to get a gun (U!S!A!) so I've got my ticket out. I've been finishing up my end of life preperations, writing a note, wiping my pc/phone but haven't picked a day yet.

I grew up around guns and they were gotten rid of to keep them away from me. Probably can't get one because of psyche history. I'm not sure. I guess only way to know is try to buy one..
I held one to my head over twenty years ago, my dad came home, I threw it in the drawer with the clip still in it. Oops. Was caught. He passed 3 years ago and made sure I didn't get any get any of them.

I wish I could find the words to write a proper note. My mind is numb and I'm dumber than ever..
I wish I had my ticket.
I hope the ride out of here is everything you ever wanted it to be.

I've managed to get a gun (U!S!A!) so I've got my ticket out. I've been finishing up my end of life preperations, writing a note, wiping my pc/phone but haven't picked a day yet.

I always found guns to be so fascinating. Quick click n boom if you can pull the trigger.

 

[stardewwindceres]

My idea was shit anyway, but it was what I had access to. And my timeline got screwed up literally the day before I was going to enact so I am on hold. I am going for SN, in the meantime, I am also in failing health and have done so much damage to my body over the last 2 decades I honestly have no idea how I have made it this long besides survival instinct and biological adaptation to the conditions it has been put under I guess. I recently learned than in the past 4 ish months, my health has gotten worse than I even realized. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high that the other plan comes through, but maybe. And in the meantime, I suppose things will get worse if I don't go back to treatment. You guys probably have actual illnesses, I feel like I shouldn't be complaining though I understand, but in a different way. If that makes sense. Idk, just tell me to shut the fuck up if I am offending anyone.
I feel like with my illness, though a lot of people don't understand it because the solution (just eat something) seems so simple, if I don't take it into my own hands with a substance OD or another means, malnourishment will weaken me further and the possibility of low potassium and heart failure could be a possibility too. Especially now that I'm old.
What I really want is oblivion on opioids for a little while then a peaceful OD. If I can't get my hands on that, I live in a place where it's absurdly easy to get a gun from the store. I don't want to do that, but done right, it's pretty much a guarantee.

 

[copioushopelessness]

My idea was shit anyway, but it was what I had access to. And my timeline got screwed up literally the day before I was going to enact so I am on hold. I am going for SN, in the meantime, I am also in failing health and have done so much damage to my body over the last 2 decades I honestly have no idea how I have made it this long besides survival instinct and biological adaptation to the conditions it has been put under I guess. I recently learned than in the past 4 ish months, my health has gotten worse than I even realized. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high that the other plan comes through, but maybe. And in the meantime, I suppose things will get worse if I don't go back to treatment. You guys probably have actual illnesses, I feel like I shouldn't be complaining though I understand, but in a different way. If that makes sense. Idk, just tell me to shut the fuck up if I am offending anyone.
I feel like with my illness, though a lot of people don't understand it because the solution (just eat something) seems so simple, if I don't take it into my own hands with a substance OD or another means, malnourishment will weaken me further and the possibility of low potassium and heart failure could be a possibility too. Especially now that I'm old.
What I really want is oblivion on opioids for a little while then a peaceful OD. If I can't get my hands on that, I live in a place where it's absurdly easy to get a gun from the store. I don't want to do that, but done right, it's pretty much a guarantee.

What was your idea? Yeah I'm very curious about sn. Seems with my gastro issues it may be very painful.
I'm so sorry. My body has gone through hell in the past two decades too. I've been so sick I thought my heart was going to give out. Ended up in the hospital many times this year.
I could barely eat before being put on a medication that makes me want to eat junk food. I feel like I was somehow healthier fasting than I've been since eating junk.
I had what I needed to od but my survival instinct made me throw it away now I hate myself every damn second. The person I got it from is either dead or in jail.. it was someone I didn't want to see anyway...
A gun might be handy to have around.

 

[Kurwenal]

You guys probably have actual illnesses, I feel like I shouldn't be complaining though I understand, but in a different way. If that makes sense. Idk, just tell me to shut the fuck up if I am offending anyone.

You have as valid a right to voice your sorrows as anyone else here. There is no real question of what is or isn't an 'actual illness'. We came to this forum because whether through internal or external forces, or both, we are at a point where we seek death as the end to our suffering. Perhaps if someone joined and told us all that their one and only life problem was that they lost the keys to their primary yacht, so they had to take the secondary yacht to the Caribbean this weekend and its hot tub only seats 10, not 16, I think there would be reason to tell that person to shut up. But we are here because we have experienced suffering and sadness, and we have all experienced it in our own ways. We all experience every moment differently. That doesn't invalidate our personal struggles that have driven us to here.

Perhaps it's possible your illness does have that simple solution of 'just eating something '. And perhaps to many ignorant people, that's all you need to do, and they wonder why you don't do it. But those people don't know or understand your personal situation and your own challenges. They also don't want to try to know or understand them. Your lived experience is valid, and you should not feel that you have to shut up because other people have different lived experiences. And you can't compare those intimately personal experiences, or rank them. Say that someone lost a limb, and someone else lost two limbs. Numerically, the latter is worse off. But they may have the capacity to come to peace with it, and even grow from it. Perhaps the person who lost one limb, for reasons beyond their control, is driven to the depths as a result. It would be vile to go to them, in their darkest moments, and point out the other person and how they came to terms with their loss, and say that the suffering person's woe is less.

Sorry, another rant from me. I just wanted to let you know that you should feel a right to have your voice heard, whatever your experience is that has driven you to this forum.

 

[copioushopelessness]

You have as valid a right to voice your sorrows as anyone else here. There is no real question of what is or isn't an 'actual illness'. We came to this forum because whether through internal or external forces, or both, we are at a point where we seek death as the end to our suffering. Perhaps if someone joined and told us all that their one and only life problem was that they lost the keys to their primary yacht, so they had to take the secondary yacht to the Caribbean this weekend and its hot tub only seats 10, not 16, I think there would be reason to tell that person to shut up. But we are here because we have experienced suffering and sadness, and we have all experienced it in our own ways. We all experience every moment differently. That doesn't invalidate our personal struggles that have driven us to here.

Perhaps it's possible your illness does have that simple solution of 'just eating something '. And perhaps to many ignorant people, that's all you need to do, and they wonder why you don't do it. But those people don't know or understand your personal situation and your own challenges. They also don't want to try to know or understand them. Your lived experience is valid, and you should not feel that you have to shut up because other people have different lived experiences. And you can't compare those intimately personal experiences, or rank them. Say that someone lost a limb, and someone else lost two limbs. Numerically, the latter is worse off. But they may have the capacity to come to peace with it, and even grow from it. Perhaps the person who lost one limb, for reasons beyond their control, is driven to the depths as a result. It would be vile to go to them, in their darkest moments, and point out the other person and how they came to terms with their loss, and say that the suffering person's woe is less.

Sorry, another rant from me. I just wanted to let you know that you should feel a right to have your voice heard, whatever your experience is that has driven you to this forum.

I saw a few posts where people have thought that their life wasn't so bad but they are still depressed. One post even saying they wanted someone worse off to tell them to shut up so they would be driven to the point to go through with it or something along those lines. Old me would say let's not compare problems, everyone's feelings are valid but there's a big part of me that wants to tell anyone with anything more than me to suck it up. I've lost everything this year... I guess I just wish I had it easier so I'd have any reason to want to live. Then I remember this timeline is tough for many. I don't feel that way reading these replies. But yeah if someone was bitching about losing the key to the yacht I'd be tempted to tell them to find a real problem before posting.
I guess what I'm saying is I look at people living their lives with sadness and pure envy. I wish I were someone else with a little more so I'd want to go on.. my whole life has been a shitshow. I see the potential in life and it sucks I wasted mine years ago and was put in a sick body and traumatic circumstances. Losing my home and losing the only people I was close to.. yeah, fuck this life.

 

[stardewwindceres]

What was your idea? Yeah I'm very curious about sn. Seems with my gastro issues it may be very painful.
I'm so sorry. My body has gone through hell in the past two decades too. I've been so sick I thought my heart was going to give out. Ended up in the hospital many times this year.
I could barely eat before being put on a medication that makes me want to eat junk food. I feel like I was somehow healthier fasting than I've been since eating junk.
I had what I needed to od but my survival instinct made me throw it away now I hate myself every damn second. The person I got it from is either dead or in jail.. it was someone I didn't want to see anyway...
A gun might be handy to have around.

I have almost 3800 mg of propranolol, 600 mg of valium/diazepam, and alcohol. I hadn't eaten for 5 days and I was at my lowest weight since high school. I was going to have uninterrupted time to make sure I wouldn't be disturbed, but I made a mistake there. Definitely not a foolproof plan by any means- but I had been researching it and I was ready to try. I guess it ended up being a good thing because I never would have learn about SN or would have found all of these resources here and reconsidered some different options and actually found a place to talk have real conversations about this stuff with understanding, actual pro-choice people who don't spew garbage platitudes and all that bullshit. I still have the pills because they are prescribed to me, but I have less Valium because I do take some everyday- It was the day that I had gotten the script filled. And the Prop I have been saving up. I will have less pills as the days go by, but at least I will always have a lot of Valium at the beginning of every month.

I have bad gastro issues too. Same with many hospital visits I was sure were going to end badly but somehow I pulled through. They tried to "cure" me of anorexia by putting me on anti-psychotics for the sole purpose of increasing my appetite just so I would eat more. Didn't bother to work on the mindset and trauma that caused the behaviors, just put me on those pills. All I was eating was cookies and ice cream and shit like that. Pure junk food. It was fun at first, but I couldn't stop.
Anyway, I'm so sorry you are sick and have to deal with all of this. I know it's been said before, but it really shouldn't be this hard.
Honestly, I'm thinking about just getting one whether I end up using it or not, especially with how fucked up things in the US are going right now. I live in a Republican state (barf) but they loooove our so-called President here, so if they do decide to try to de-arm the country before mid-terms, Repub. states will likely be last.
I hope you can find some peace, even before you find the ultimate peace <3

You have as valid a right to voice your sorrows as anyone else here. There is no real question of what is or isn't an 'actual illness'. We came to this forum because whether through internal or external forces, or both, we are at a point where we seek death as the end to our suffering. Perhaps if someone joined and told us all that their one and only life problem was that they lost the keys to their primary yacht, so they had to take the secondary yacht to the Caribbean this weekend and its hot tub only seats 10, not 16, I think there would be reason to tell that person to shut up. But we are here because we have experienced suffering and sadness, and we have all experienced it in our own ways. We all experience every moment differently. That doesn't invalidate our personal struggles that have driven us to here.

Perhaps it's possible your illness does have that simple solution of 'just eating something '. And perhaps to many ignorant people, that's all you need to do, and they wonder why you don't do it. But those people don't know or understand your personal situation and your own challenges. They also don't want to try to know or understand them. Your lived experience is valid, and you should not feel that you have to shut up because other people have different lived experiences. And you can't compare those intimately personal experiences, or rank them. Say that someone lost a limb, and someone else lost two limbs. Numerically, the latter is worse off. But they may have the capacity to come to peace with it, and even grow from it. Perhaps the person who lost one limb, for reasons beyond their control, is driven to the depths as a result. It would be vile to go to them, in their darkest moments, and point out the other person and how they came to terms with their loss, and say that the suffering person's woe is less.

Sorry, another rant from me. I just wanted to let you know that you should feel a right to have your voice heard, whatever your experience is that has driven you to this forum.

Thank you for saying this. I know you're right. You can rant anytime you want. I like your rants. <3
OMG, that yacht story! I would find a way to become magical and reach through the computer to stick the sharp end of a pencil through both of their eyes so they would ALWAYS be looking for their keys. Then I would eventually find them and Robin Hood them.

 

[copioushopelessness]

I saw a few posts where people have thought that their life wasn't so bad but they are still depressed. One post even saying they wanted someone worse off to tell them to shut up so they would be driven to the point to go through with it or something along those lines. Old me would say let's not compare problems, everyone's feelings are valid but there's a big part of me that wants to tell anyone with anything more than me to suck it up. I've lost everything this year...
I guess I just wish I had it easier so I'd have any reason to want to live. Then I remember this timeline is tough for many.
I don't feel that way reading these replies. But yeah if someone was bitching about losing the key to the yacht I'd be tempted to tell them to find a real problem before posting.
I guess what I'm saying is I look at people living their lives with sadness and pure envy. I wish I were someone else with a little more so I'd want to go on.. my whole life has been a shitshow. I see the potential in life and it sucks I wasted mine years ago and was put in a sick body and traumatic circumstances. Losing my home and losing the only people I was close to.. yeah, fuck this life.

Complete isolation, a failing body, poverty, and lack of purpose. What could make that worse? The meds they claimed would make it better. Fuck doctors. One of them charted "ill appearing but seems to be resting comfortably" comfortably. Ha. I was pretending to sleep with an eye mask on to avoid their gaslighting. They only said 'comfortably' so they could discharge me too soon. I don't even look like me anymore. I look like someone who's dying. The malnourishment is messing with my teeth. The steroids gave me SEVERE acne, the antipsychotic made me lose the ability to sleep so I look like a zombie with bags under my eyes
,repeat gi bleed makes me pale and anemic with a hemoglobinthat's never high enough, arthritis and fibromaylgia making me less mobile.. my legs hurt so bad I can hardly walk. Liver cyst, swollen pancreas, fluid in my appendix.. But if the doctor says I look ill appearing but seems to be resting comfortably then they can take my morphine away put me back on tylenol and kick me to the curb... I'm so tired of the doctors speaking for me in the chart. If I didn't say it don't chart it. What the fuck is comfortable? It's been too long since I've felt any comfort..

 

[Kurwenal]

I saw a few posts where people have thought that their life wasn't so bad but they are still depressed. One post even saying they wanted someone worse off to tell them to shut up so they would be driven to the point to go through with it or something along those lines. Old me would say let's not compare problems, everyone's feelings are valid but there's a big part of me that wants to tell anyone with anything more than me to suck it up. I've lost everything this year... I guess I just wish I had it easier so I'd have any reason to want to live. Then I remember this timeline is tough for many. I don't feel that way reading these replies. But yeah if someone was bitching about losing the key to the yacht I'd be tempted to tell them to find a real problem before posting.
I guess what I'm saying is I look at people living their lives with sadness and pure envy. I wish I were someone else with a little more so I'd want to go on.. my whole life has been a shitshow. I see the potential in life and it sucks I wasted mine years ago and was put in a sick body and traumatic circumstances. Losing my home and losing the only people I was close to.. yeah, fuck this life.

I'm sorry for the losses you have experienced, especially this year with your home and those whom you cared for. I certainly didn't mean to trivialize experiences as traumatic as your own. I rather was aiming to encourage others to know that if they, in their heart of hearts, are suffering, then they are indeed suffering. Comparing it to others doesn't change that fact. I can understand why you feel that sense of sadness and envy, and of wanting others to shut up with their problems, giving that they have more than you. I'm sorry the life you exist in isn't what you wanted, and that your own body is working against you. I certainly would not have wished that on you, even though I don't know you, because I wouldn't want to wish suffering on someone who wanted to live but was unable to do so because of what was thrown in their face. I still maintain that everyone's individual experience dictates how they perceive reality, and that informs how they feel they suffer as individuals. I personally don't think it is reasonably possible, nor helpful, to try to compare the suffering of two people. This viewpoint is formed from my personal experience, of course. I am well aware that I experience physical pain very differently from many of those whom I have interacted with in life. What many would consider a minor bump, something to be forgotten in seconds, a minute at most, can prey on my mind for hours, constantly swelling in agony and woe. Objectively, I could suffer the same physical catalyst as someone else, but end up significantly more traumatized than them by virtue of my mind's awful tricks. So I firmly believe that we all have our own reality, and I try not to invalidate the reality of others and their own suffering that has led them to this place. That is all I meant by my previous post. I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I didn't mean to make light of the very real challenges you are facing this year in particular, in any way. I only wanted to help give voice to those whose suffering may be internal and caused by forces not entirely controlled or even understood. I'm sorry that your suffering is so intense. I sincerely did not intend to downplay or diminish its significance. I hope that someway, somehow, you may find a form of peace that is appropriate to you.

 

[copioushopelessness]

I have almost 3800 mg of propranolol, 600 mg of valium/diazepam, and alcohol. I hadn't eaten for 5 days and I was at my lowest weight since high school. I was going to have uninterrupted time to make sure I wouldn't be disturbed, but I made a mistake there. Definitely not a foolproof plan by any means- but I had been researching it and I was ready to try. I guess it ended up being a good thing because I never would have learn about SN or would have found all of these resources here and reconsidered some different options and actually found a place to talk have real conversations about this stuff with understanding, actual pro-choice people who don't spew garbage platitudes and all that bullshit. I still have the pills because they are prescribed to me, but I have less Valium because I do take some everyday- It was the day that I had gotten the script filled. And the Prop I have been saving up. I will have less pills as the days go by, but at least I will always have a lot of Valium at the beginning of every month.

I have bad gastro issues too. Same with many hospital visits I was sure were going to end badly but somehow I pulled through. They tried to "cure" me of anorexia by putting me on anti-psychotics for the sole purpose of increasing my appetite just so I would eat more. Didn't bother to work on the mindset and trauma that caused the behaviors, just put me on those pills. All I was eating was cookies and ice cream and shit like that. Pure junk food. It was fun at first, but I couldn't stop.
Anyway, I'm so sorry you are sick and have to deal with all of this. I know it's been said before, but it really shouldn't be this hard.
Honestly, I'm thinking about just getting one whether I end up using it or not, especially with how fucked up things in the US are going right now. I live in a Republican state (barf) but they loooove our so-called President here, so if they do decide to try to de-arm the country before mid-terms, Repub. states will likely be last.
I hope you can find some peace, even before you find the ultimate peace <3

Thank you for saying this. I know you're right. You can rant anytime you want. I like your rants. <3
OMG, that yacht story! I would find a way to become magical and reach through the computer to stick the sharp end of a pencil through both of their eyes so they would ALWAYS be looking for their keys. Then I would eventually find them and Robin Hood them.

I hate to admit how jealous I am that you have benzos. I love benzos. I know they are addictive but man do I love that warm fuzzy feeling. Doctors around here don't prescribe them. With some opiods I'd say youd have a pretty painless way to go.
I'm sorry you also have gastro isssues and it PISSSES me off that you're another person harmed by antipsychotics. They need to stop handing them out like candy. Especially off label. Yeah they might give you an appetite but they make you more depressed which wouldnt help an ed. Fuckin a I hate doctors.

 

[stardewwindceres]

Complete isolation, a failing body, poverty, and lack of purpose. What could make that worse? The meds they claimed would make it better. Fuck doctors. One of them charted "ill appearing but seems to be resting comfortably" comfortably. Ha. I was pretending to sleep with an eye mask on to avoid their gaslighting. They only said 'comfortably' so they could discharge me too soon. I don't even look like me anymore. I look like someone who's dying. The malnourishment is messing with my teeth. The steroids gave me SEVERE acne, the antipsychotic made me lose the ability to sleep so I look like a zombie with bags under my eyes
,repeat gi bleed makes me pale and anemic with a hemoglobinthat's never high enough, arthritis and fibromaylgia making me less mobile.. my legs hurt so bad I can hardly walk. Liver cyst, swollen pancreas, fluid in my appendix.. But if the doctor says I look ill appearing but seems to be resting comfortably then they can take my morphine away put me back on tylenol and kick me to the curb... I'm so tired of the doctors speaking for me in the chart. If I didn't say it don't chart it. What the fuck is comfortable? It's been too long since I've felt any comfort..

How dare they ignore you and treat you like that? There's nothing I can say, but I am here for you and am giving you computer hugs

 

[copioushopelessness]

I'm sorry for the losses you have experienced, especially this year with your home and those whom you cared for. I certainly didn't mean to trivialize experiences as traumatic as your own. I rather was aiming to encourage others to know that if they, in their heart of hearts, are suffering, then they are indeed suffering. Comparing it to others doesn't change that fact. I can understand why you feel that sense of sadness and envy, and of wanting others to shut up with their problems, giving that they have more than you. I'm sorry the life you exist in isn't what you wanted, and that your own body is working against you. I certainly would not have wished that on you, even though I don't know you, because I wouldn't want to wish suffering on someone who wanted to live but was unable to do so because of what was thrown in their face. I still maintain that everyone's individual experience dictates how they perceive reality, and that informs how they feel they suffer as individuals. I personally don't think it is reasonably possible, nor helpful, to try to compare the suffering of two people. This viewpoint is formed from my personal experience, of course. I am well aware that I experience physical pain very differently from many of those whom I have interacted with in life. What many would consider a minor bump, something to be forgotten in seconds, a minute at most, can prey on my mind for hours, constantly swelling in agony and woe. Objectively, I could suffer the same physical catalyst as someone else, but end up significantly more traumatized than them by virtue of my mind's awful tricks. So I firmly believe that we all have our own reality, and I try not to invalidate the reality of others and their own suffering that has led them to this place. That is all I meant by my previous post. I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I didn't mean to make light of the very real challenges you are facing this year in particular, in any way. I only wanted to help give voice to those whose suffering may be internal and caused by forces not entirely controlled or even understood. I'm sorry that your suffering is so intense. I sincerely did not intend to downplay or diminish its significance. I hope that someway, somehow, you may find a form of peace that is appropriate to you.

No you didn't! Sorry if I wasn't clear, I probably came off offensive. I'm just saying I hate that the old me didn't judge or compare people as much but this majorly depressed side of me just wants to urge others to keep going. I feel like a hypocrite because despite wanting to die I don't want other people to feel that way but I know it can happen to anyone for any reason. And like you said what makes one person want to die another person in the same situation might feel lucky to be alive.
One example is the fear of getting a colostomy bag, I'd rather die but other people say the surgery saved their lives and even nickname their bags, have humble humor.

 

[stardewwindceres]

I hate to admit how jealous I am that you have benzos. I love benzos. I know they are addictive but man do I love that warm fuzzy feeling. Doctors around here don't prescribe them. With some opiods I'd say youd have a pretty painless way to go.
I'm sorry you also have gastro isssues and it PISSSES me off that you're another person harmed by antipsychotics. They need to stop handing them out like candy. Especially off label. Yeah they might give you an appetite but they make you more depressed which wouldnt help an ed. Fuckin a I hate doctors.

I know, they are fucking poison. And there are SO many and they just keep coming out with new ones that do the same thing. And pharm companies are making so much money pushing them and our fucking doctors are making so much money pushing them to us in kickbacks. It's just another fucked up system where you only win if you're at the top. All of this pro-life bullshit, no one actually gives a shit, they just want us alive to grind us for the machine because trillions $$ for the few just isn't enough. AHHH Yeah anti-psychotics made my depression so much worse and I still remember the marked difference. And then all of the treatments they started recommending, which I just followed like a zombie. Glad our suffering has made their lives of depravity so fulfilling. Monsters.

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

So, most of us are out of ideas huh?
What methods are you thinking about? It seems most of us are considering sn..
I thought my own body would take me out by now, I was so sure I'd die naturally I got rid of a lot of my stuff. Had to anyway..
It's insane how sick I am and still here. I don't want to get sicker.... The human body seems so fragile until you try to give up and your survival instinct keeps holding on.
I sabotaged my method...
Living is hard, dying is harder. Fuck this. I wanted to like life.

SN as well. Not the best method but for many of us, it's the most achievable, considering speed, preparstion, peacefulness, cost, reliability. I can feel myself getting worse too, despite getting treatment. I love living, but not like this.

 

[Kurwenal]

No you didn't! Sorry if I wasn't clear, I probably came off offensive. I'm just saying I hate that the old me didn't judge or compare people as much but this majorly depressed side of me just wants to urge others to keep going. I feel like a hypocrite because despite wanting to die I don't want other people to feel that way but I know it can happen to anyone for any reason. And like you said what makes one person want to die another person in the same situation might feel lucky to be alive.
One example is the fear of getting a colostomy bag, I'd rather die but other people say the surgery saved their lives and even nickname their bags, have humble humor.

No apologies needed from you, you certainly didn't come across as offensive. I live my life in constant, overwhelming fear of hurting those with whom I interact, and then I usually overanalyse everything I say and everything they say, and manage to make things so much more infinitely worse than if I'd never tried to apologize in the first place. It's ridiculous, really.

But something you wrote has resonated so deeply with me here:

"I feel like a hypocrite because despite wanting to die I don't want other people to feel that way but I know it can happen to anyone for any reason."

I feel that hypocrisy so much myself, especially since for the past few days in particular I've been chronically online on this forum (probably some twisted coping mechanism, I don't know). I know in my heart that I myself deserve to die and need to die. But I can't help but feel so saddened when I read the experiences of the other users here, because so many of them seem to be caring, kind and compassionate people who could have brought so much good into this world, if things had been different for them. I don't want the people who have been victims of their families, of their society, of their own bodies or of their own brains to have needed to come to this point where death is the only option they see before them. I find myself typing things to others that I could never say to myself, and I am all too aware of my hypocrisy. I don't really know how to manage that.

I find it so difficult to parse how different people can tackle the same horrible event in so many different ways. As you mentioned as an example, people naming their colostomy bags, finding a way to see humour in the darkness. I don't know how they do it.

Anyway, I've gone way off topic, and I apologize for that. I'll step back from this thread for now, I think. I hope you can find something, in some way, that can bring you to the peace you deserve.

 

[copioushopelessness]

On a slightly unrelated note, media really pisses me off. The news is mostly bad. Politics are a sham. Social media is stupid. What once wouldve made me laugh makes me roll my eyes. What other people laugh at I'm left thinking, that wasn't even that funny.
When someone is like DED portraying how much they laughed I'm like let's not even joke about dying laughing at this poop joke or whatever.. I wish I could die laughing.
shows and movies now seem stupid and not at all entertaining.
I guess I'm saying people are in fact being dumbed down. I don't mean to bitch but seriously what in the actual fuck is wrong with people now...
Trump is the president AGAIN?! Years ago before my mom died she told me life would be a bad reality tv show with Trump as president and I was like, nah that won't happen, the people won't vote for him. Ha! It's weird, everything she predicted has happened/happening. She was even saving masks. Over ten years ago...

 

[itsgone2]

They only said 'comfortably' so they could discharge me too soon. I don't even look like me anymore. I look like someone who's dying. The malnourishment is messing with my teeth. The steroids gave me SEVERE acne, the antipsychotic made me lose the ability to sleep so I look like a zombie with bags under my eyes
,repeat gi bleed makes me pale and anemic with a hemoglobinthat's never high enough, arthritis and fibromaylgia making me less mobile.. my legs hurt so bad I can hardly walk. Liver cyst, swollen pancreas, fluid in my appendix.. But if the doctor says I look ill appearing but seems to be resting comfortably then they can take my morphine away put me back on tylenol and kick me to the curb... I'm so tired of the doctors speaking for me in the chart. If I didn't say it don't chart it. What the fuck is comfortable? It's been too long since I've felt any comfort..

Having these issues, wanting to end that seems rational. My current situation has been discussed at length but there are real issues in my life. I'm responsible for my situation.
I think drugs can't help every situation. Some you just need to find a way to survive, and that isn't easy. I feel this way. I have actual financial issues and probably need more education, which is it's

 

[copioushopelessness]

SN as well. Not the best method but for many of us, it's the most achievable, considering speed, preparstion, peacefulness, cost, reliability. I can feel myself getting worse too, despite getting treatment. I love living, but not like this.

I hope that sn is peaceful but I have my doubts, peaceful compared to other methods I suppose.
I'm sorry you feel yourself getting worse.
There were definitely some parts I loved about living. I wish I could go back to those times. I hope your treatment is helpful and not a part of what's making you feel worse. Accept the help that feels right for you and what doesn't apply let it fly.

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

On a slightly unrelated note, media really pisses me off. The news is mostly bad. Politics are a sham. Social media is stupid. What once wouldve made me laugh makes me roll my eyes. What other people laugh at I'm left thinking, that wasn't even that funny.
When someone is like DED portraying how much they laughed I'm like let's not even joke about dying laughing at this poop joke or whatever.. I wish I could die laughing.
shows and movies now seem stupid and not at all entertaining.
I guess I'm saying people are in fact being dumbed down. I don't mean to bitch but seriously what in the actual fuck is wrong with people now...
Trump is the president AGAIN?! Years ago before my mom died she told me life would be a bad reality tv show with Trump as president and I was like, nah that won't happen, the people won't vote for him. Ha! It's weird, everything she predicted has happened/happening. She was even saving masks. Over ten years ago...

Staying informed is understandably exhausting nowadays.

I hope that sn is peaceful but I have my doubts, peaceful compared to other methods I suppose.
I'm sorry you feel yourself getting worse.
There were definitely some parts I loved about living. I wish I could go back to those times. I hope your treatment is helpful and not a part of what's making you feel worse. Accept the help that feels right for you and what doesn't apply let it fly.

Thank you
I hope the same for you.

 

[copioushopelessness]

Having these issues, wanting to end that seems rational. My current situation has been discussed at length but there are real issues in my life. I'm responsible for my situation.
I think drugs can't help every situation. Some you just need to find a way to survive, and that isn't easy. I feel this way. I have actual financial issues and probably need more education, which is it's

Thank you for saying that, rationally who would want to suffer but say that and you're treated as irrational. I'm sorry I don't know your whole situation but I wish that we didn't feel this way. Financial issues are a problem for the majority while the rich hoard resources.
I love you all. I'm sorry I ranted so much and made it about me. Hearing of others struggles has always left me wondering what to say as I know words can't always fix everything. I get really stressed seeing the masses struggle.
What people are subjected to just to survive whether we want to or not is unjust.

I know, they are fucking poison. And there are SO many and they just keep coming out with new ones that do the same thing. And pharm companies are making so much money pushing them and our fucking doctors are making so much money pushing them to us in kickbacks. It's just another fucked up system where you only win if you're at the top. All of this pro-life bullshit, no one actually gives a shit, they just want us alive to grind us for the machine because trillions $$ for the few just isn't enough. AHHH Yeah anti-psychotics made my depression so much worse and I still remember the marked difference. And then all of the treatments they started recommending, which I just followed like a zombie. Glad our suffering has made their lives of depravity so fulfilling. Monsters.

Monsters indeed. If I had paid attention to the ads before I wouldn't have let them force me to 'comply' I'm not sure why after 20 yrs of denying meds did I allow this to happen. I still haven't recovered for them forcing meds on me as a teen... I KNEW better but I was in an extremely vulnerable state....
You see the cobenfy commercial? This new med they claim isn't an antipsychotic? Well I looked up how it works and it IS an antipsychotic they fucking outright lie. I asked ai two different ways if it's an antipsychotic, I got two different answers.
It seems ai gives different answers depending on the wording for many different things. But yeah as far as that cobenfy goes I can't believe they say it's not an antipsychotic...
Or adding vraylar to 'boost' your antidepressant, I'm like how tf would antipsychotics 'boost' antidepressants.. add a serotonin antagonist to your SSRI. Sounds counterintuitive.. I hate these commercials.

 

[copioushopelessness]

No apologies needed from you, you certainly didn't come across as offensive. I live my life in constant, overwhelming fear of hurting those with whom I interact, and then I usually overanalyse everything I say and everything they say, and manage to make things so much more infinitely worse than if I'd never tried to apologize in the first place. It's ridiculous, really.

But something you wrote has resonated so deeply with me here:

I feel that hypocrisy so much myself, especially since for the past few days in particular I've been chronically online on this forum (probably some twisted coping mechanism, I don't know). I know in my heart that I myself deserve to die and need to die. But I can't help but feel so saddened when I read the experiences of the other users here, because so many of them seem to be caring, kind and compassionate people who could have brought so much good into this world, if things had been different for them. I don't want the people who have been victims of their families, of their society, of their own bodies or of their own brains to have needed to come to this point where death is the only option they see before them. I find myself typing things to others that I could never say to myself, and I am all too aware of my hypocrisy. I don't really know how to manage that.

I find it so difficult to parse how different people can tackle the same horrible event in so many different ways. As you mentioned as an example, people naming their colostomy bags, finding a way to see humour in the darkness. I don't know how they do it.

Anyway, I've gone way off topic, and I apologize for that. I'll step back from this thread for now, I think. I hope you can find something, in some way, that can bring you to the peace you deserve.

Thank you for your replies. Nothing is really off topic as I'm not sure what I'm even getting at lately.

 

[FuneralCry]

The method I'm always thinking about is one peaceful and painless that gives me a death like never waking again which is all I want, I wish I had Nembutal so finally I can be free from this torturous, dreadful existence I just always saw as a mistake but that is so cruelly denied, I always suffer so much from existing in this anti-suicide world where the suffering and torture of existing is seen as to force and prolong no matter what.