HortEr162
Member
- Feb 12, 2025
- 8
I'll be as honest as possible. I'm not asking for sympathy, I don't deserve it. You will see why. But I need to tell the truth to someone.
I've been neglecting every aspect of my life for years and I fucking hate myself. Basically, I stopped doing everything. I stopped studying, working, and even doing basic self-care tasks. I even stopped doing things that I liked, literally everything. And no, it's not depression. I don't have that excuse. I also believed it was depression, but in reality, it was just procrastination and laziness. Why? Well, for the past... four years? my life has consisted of this: I just stay on my computer browsing the internet, or lay on bed and scroll on social media, while not doing anything else (I don't even eat!) for days at a time, and then, I promise myself I'll fix my life and actually start living it... later. Or tomorrow. Then, when the time comes, I motivate myself with something, and I promise myself that I'll truly start working on my life from now on. Then, I actually start to do that... until the motivation fades away, which is like, in some hours or a day. Very few times it lasted more than that. After that, I relapse, and go back to wasting my time on the internet or social media. Then, I motivate myself again... and the cycle restarts.
Yes, that's how I wasted 4 years. I even have this weird, ritual (??) where I listened to a song, I'd reflect on my life as I listened it, and I was supposed to... change as a person when it ended and start fixing my life. I know, it's so dumb it's even funny, and I feel like my dignity is dying with each word that I write in this post... but I promised I'd be honest. Anyways, some of the songs that I used for it were things like, a piano cover of Journey' Apotheosis (but they took down the one I listened to, damn, it was a good one) and, other pieces like this:
(I start listening from 0:50)
and this:
Also, before motivating myself with any of those songs, I often fantasize about how my life would be when I finally "start living". I fantasize about all the games I'd play, all the books I'd read, all the movies I'd watch, all the things I'd do, a lot of stuff. While I was browsing on the internet and found something interesting that I'd like to do, I told myself I'd do it when I start living. An example is that, when I was on Youtube, wasting time, and found a gameplay of a game that looked interesting, I always told myself that I'd play it when I finally start living.
Again, yes, I wasted 4 years that way. Fantasizing about everything that I'd do when I finally start living... Every time I motivated myself, did that stupid ritual and started doing things, I promised myself this was gonna be, truly, the moment I changed my life. I've lost count of how many times I failed that promise and restarted the cycle, huh.
Because of all of this, as I mentioned, I also stopped studying, so I dropped out of school just in my senior year. But this all mostly began in the year before that, where I began to be lazy. Now here comes the worst part... people are worried about me. Previously, I was a very good student. Good grades, behaviour, everything. And at first, when I slowly, stopped doing things, people helped me. The teachers, the principal, the school counselor and my parents did everything they could to help. They gave me more time to do assignments, to study for exams, lots of things. The school counselor, especially, gave me an appointment almost every week to ask me how I felt, and stuff like that. I somehow managed to finish that year with decent grades, at least. But then, the next year, things got to a level I couldn't do anything (or didn't want to, shit). So even the help they gave me wasn't enough. And I ended dropping out. Then, my parents did everything they could to get me into an online school and finish school as a whole. They did, and I managed to graduate doing everything I could when I had those moments where I was motivated.
They also took me to several psychologists, and as I mentioned, during that time I seriously believed it was anxiety and depression so I just used them as an excuse. And of course, when I went to the psychologists, I pretended to have those things. At one point, one of the psychologists I went to, asked me "why do you convince yourself so much you have that?". I stopped going.
Then, there's also my sister. She's a very important person in my life and has helped me a lot in general. She is like, a second mom to me. She lives in another country right now, but calls often to ask how are things going. Then I did a horrible thing on december of last year. In that month, I was supposed to kill myself. It was December 21st the date I was gonna do it. Of course I didn't do shit, I knew I wasn't actually gonna do something, but I promised myself a lot I was gonna attempt on that day. Then, I called my sister and told her about it. And YOU KNOW WHY I TOLD HER ABOUT IT? Because, at that time, I had just graduated from school, and of course, my parents wanted me to go to college or start working. I don't want to go to college for now, so the only option was getting a job in the meantime. They have a small business, and wanted me to work with them. Seemed reasonable. But my lazy ass didn't want to. So I told her about it, thinking it would help me avoid going to work with them for some time and stay at home.
She then started crying, and holy shit, it broke my heart.
Yes. I'm a disgusting, sack of meat. I'm a piece of shit. She deserves better, my family, everyone deserves better. I'm so sorry.
And guess what, my procrastination cycle just continued. Now I don't study, don't have a job, anything. I even barely do cleaning around the house. I don't even wash the dishes sometimes. I just stay on my room, wasting time. My dad really wanted me to at least, help a bit with their business and do something, so he managed to bring me work to do at home. It's something really simple and I do it a matter of an hour or so, and every few days. That's literally it.
Almost every week, my parents, especially my dad, ask me how I feel, and what can they do to help me. They also try to spoil me a bit, taking me out to eat sometimes and buying me stuff, like pastries and stuff.
I feel guilty as fuck.
And then there's the matter with my health. During all this time, as I mentioned, I've been struggling to do any basic self care tasks. I don't eat well, I barely brush my teeth, etc. Now guess what, my teeth are fucked, and because of not eating well, I developed acid reflux some months ago.
Now here comes the fucked up and complex part. I also ignored some health issues, like my allergies. I'm a very allergic person, but I just didn't care about it. Now, something you need to know is that, I have tinnitus. I've had it all of my life, but it never annoyed me or anything. And guess what, during last year, I noticed my tinnitus got louder on one ear. But I didn't care about it.
GUESS WHAT, it got worse. Now it also got loud in the other ear, to the point of it being actually annoying, so I went to the doctor about it. Turns out, my allergies had something to do with it, and the acid reflux too. It had affected my eustachian tube and now I have eustachian tube dysfunction. They sent me some stuff to control my allergies and my acid reflux. That was months ago. Guess what? Because of my laziness, I screwed up the treatment and neglected it. Now, the tinnitus has got a lot more loud, and I'm noticing I'm not hearing as well as before. Turns out, eustachian tube dysfunction can cause permanent hearing loss.
I actually fucked up, didn't I? I guess this is karma for what I've done. Now I'm trying to do the treatment again to control things, but I fear it's too late. Hope this can give some satisfaction to whatever is reading this. I deserve it. The worst part of it is that it's my fault. I wouldn't have to deal with this if I didn't neglect it.
Now, there's... my dog. In my house we have two dogs. One is like, 11 years old and she has been with me since I was a kid. The other one, is like two years old, and of course was adopted much recently (we rescued him from the streets). In general we take good care of them, especially my parents, they love dogs.
But, I fucked up. You see, I'm responsible for getting them an appointment at the vet if necessary and making sure they get their anual vaccines. I also neglected that. Especially with my older dog. She has been starting to get some health issues, of course as expected because of her age. But I didn't do anything about it. A year ago I noticed she was showing cataracts symptoms on her eyes, BUT AGAIN, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. Now guess what, we're noticing she's has trouble seeing things.
And it's my fault.
I also neglected brushing her teeth. Now her teeth are just as fucked up as mine.
I'm afraid of taking her into surgery and put her under anesthesia. As you know, it's dangerous in older dogs. And on top of that, she is a small dog. I don't want to lose her, damn it. She has been with me for so long. I fucking can't. She can't become blind, no no. But it's my fucking fault.
I don't deserve to live. Sadly I'm a coward to actually kill myself. I'm afraid of attempting and ending up disabled. But holy crap, I want to die so badly.
That's my story. That's how I ruined my life in the most stupid, dumb way possible. I ruined what could've been a good life. I had so many opportunities and things, but I just threw it all away. And I'm so sorry for my family and those close to me, who spent so many time and resources to help me, only for me to turn out like this.
As of writing this, I'm trying to get things back on track. I'm managing to eat well again, to brush my teeth, and help more around the house. But it's so hard. It's so hard to do any fucking thing with the guilt and self hatred I carry on my shoulder everyday.
To anyone who read this to the end, I'm sorry. After this most likely I'll leave this site forever. The shame is killing me. Or perhaps I'll stay around and help anyone who actually needs it.
I'm sorry.
I've been neglecting every aspect of my life for years and I fucking hate myself. Basically, I stopped doing everything. I stopped studying, working, and even doing basic self-care tasks. I even stopped doing things that I liked, literally everything. And no, it's not depression. I don't have that excuse. I also believed it was depression, but in reality, it was just procrastination and laziness. Why? Well, for the past... four years? my life has consisted of this: I just stay on my computer browsing the internet, or lay on bed and scroll on social media, while not doing anything else (I don't even eat!) for days at a time, and then, I promise myself I'll fix my life and actually start living it... later. Or tomorrow. Then, when the time comes, I motivate myself with something, and I promise myself that I'll truly start working on my life from now on. Then, I actually start to do that... until the motivation fades away, which is like, in some hours or a day. Very few times it lasted more than that. After that, I relapse, and go back to wasting my time on the internet or social media. Then, I motivate myself again... and the cycle restarts.
Yes, that's how I wasted 4 years. I even have this weird, ritual (??) where I listened to a song, I'd reflect on my life as I listened it, and I was supposed to... change as a person when it ended and start fixing my life. I know, it's so dumb it's even funny, and I feel like my dignity is dying with each word that I write in this post... but I promised I'd be honest. Anyways, some of the songs that I used for it were things like, a piano cover of Journey' Apotheosis (but they took down the one I listened to, damn, it was a good one) and, other pieces like this:
(I start listening from 0:50)
and this:
Also, before motivating myself with any of those songs, I often fantasize about how my life would be when I finally "start living". I fantasize about all the games I'd play, all the books I'd read, all the movies I'd watch, all the things I'd do, a lot of stuff. While I was browsing on the internet and found something interesting that I'd like to do, I told myself I'd do it when I start living. An example is that, when I was on Youtube, wasting time, and found a gameplay of a game that looked interesting, I always told myself that I'd play it when I finally start living.
Again, yes, I wasted 4 years that way. Fantasizing about everything that I'd do when I finally start living... Every time I motivated myself, did that stupid ritual and started doing things, I promised myself this was gonna be, truly, the moment I changed my life. I've lost count of how many times I failed that promise and restarted the cycle, huh.
Because of all of this, as I mentioned, I also stopped studying, so I dropped out of school just in my senior year. But this all mostly began in the year before that, where I began to be lazy. Now here comes the worst part... people are worried about me. Previously, I was a very good student. Good grades, behaviour, everything. And at first, when I slowly, stopped doing things, people helped me. The teachers, the principal, the school counselor and my parents did everything they could to help. They gave me more time to do assignments, to study for exams, lots of things. The school counselor, especially, gave me an appointment almost every week to ask me how I felt, and stuff like that. I somehow managed to finish that year with decent grades, at least. But then, the next year, things got to a level I couldn't do anything (or didn't want to, shit). So even the help they gave me wasn't enough. And I ended dropping out. Then, my parents did everything they could to get me into an online school and finish school as a whole. They did, and I managed to graduate doing everything I could when I had those moments where I was motivated.
They also took me to several psychologists, and as I mentioned, during that time I seriously believed it was anxiety and depression so I just used them as an excuse. And of course, when I went to the psychologists, I pretended to have those things. At one point, one of the psychologists I went to, asked me "why do you convince yourself so much you have that?". I stopped going.
Then, there's also my sister. She's a very important person in my life and has helped me a lot in general. She is like, a second mom to me. She lives in another country right now, but calls often to ask how are things going. Then I did a horrible thing on december of last year. In that month, I was supposed to kill myself. It was December 21st the date I was gonna do it. Of course I didn't do shit, I knew I wasn't actually gonna do something, but I promised myself a lot I was gonna attempt on that day. Then, I called my sister and told her about it. And YOU KNOW WHY I TOLD HER ABOUT IT? Because, at that time, I had just graduated from school, and of course, my parents wanted me to go to college or start working. I don't want to go to college for now, so the only option was getting a job in the meantime. They have a small business, and wanted me to work with them. Seemed reasonable. But my lazy ass didn't want to. So I told her about it, thinking it would help me avoid going to work with them for some time and stay at home.
She then started crying, and holy shit, it broke my heart.
Yes. I'm a disgusting, sack of meat. I'm a piece of shit. She deserves better, my family, everyone deserves better. I'm so sorry.
And guess what, my procrastination cycle just continued. Now I don't study, don't have a job, anything. I even barely do cleaning around the house. I don't even wash the dishes sometimes. I just stay on my room, wasting time. My dad really wanted me to at least, help a bit with their business and do something, so he managed to bring me work to do at home. It's something really simple and I do it a matter of an hour or so, and every few days. That's literally it.
Almost every week, my parents, especially my dad, ask me how I feel, and what can they do to help me. They also try to spoil me a bit, taking me out to eat sometimes and buying me stuff, like pastries and stuff.
I feel guilty as fuck.
And then there's the matter with my health. During all this time, as I mentioned, I've been struggling to do any basic self care tasks. I don't eat well, I barely brush my teeth, etc. Now guess what, my teeth are fucked, and because of not eating well, I developed acid reflux some months ago.
Now here comes the fucked up and complex part. I also ignored some health issues, like my allergies. I'm a very allergic person, but I just didn't care about it. Now, something you need to know is that, I have tinnitus. I've had it all of my life, but it never annoyed me or anything. And guess what, during last year, I noticed my tinnitus got louder on one ear. But I didn't care about it.
GUESS WHAT, it got worse. Now it also got loud in the other ear, to the point of it being actually annoying, so I went to the doctor about it. Turns out, my allergies had something to do with it, and the acid reflux too. It had affected my eustachian tube and now I have eustachian tube dysfunction. They sent me some stuff to control my allergies and my acid reflux. That was months ago. Guess what? Because of my laziness, I screwed up the treatment and neglected it. Now, the tinnitus has got a lot more loud, and I'm noticing I'm not hearing as well as before. Turns out, eustachian tube dysfunction can cause permanent hearing loss.
I actually fucked up, didn't I? I guess this is karma for what I've done. Now I'm trying to do the treatment again to control things, but I fear it's too late. Hope this can give some satisfaction to whatever is reading this. I deserve it. The worst part of it is that it's my fault. I wouldn't have to deal with this if I didn't neglect it.
Now, there's... my dog. In my house we have two dogs. One is like, 11 years old and she has been with me since I was a kid. The other one, is like two years old, and of course was adopted much recently (we rescued him from the streets). In general we take good care of them, especially my parents, they love dogs.
But, I fucked up. You see, I'm responsible for getting them an appointment at the vet if necessary and making sure they get their anual vaccines. I also neglected that. Especially with my older dog. She has been starting to get some health issues, of course as expected because of her age. But I didn't do anything about it. A year ago I noticed she was showing cataracts symptoms on her eyes, BUT AGAIN, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. Now guess what, we're noticing she's has trouble seeing things.
And it's my fault.
I also neglected brushing her teeth. Now her teeth are just as fucked up as mine.
I'm afraid of taking her into surgery and put her under anesthesia. As you know, it's dangerous in older dogs. And on top of that, she is a small dog. I don't want to lose her, damn it. She has been with me for so long. I fucking can't. She can't become blind, no no. But it's my fucking fault.
I don't deserve to live. Sadly I'm a coward to actually kill myself. I'm afraid of attempting and ending up disabled. But holy crap, I want to die so badly.
That's my story. That's how I ruined my life in the most stupid, dumb way possible. I ruined what could've been a good life. I had so many opportunities and things, but I just threw it all away. And I'm so sorry for my family and those close to me, who spent so many time and resources to help me, only for me to turn out like this.
As of writing this, I'm trying to get things back on track. I'm managing to eat well again, to brush my teeth, and help more around the house. But it's so hard. It's so hard to do any fucking thing with the guilt and self hatred I carry on my shoulder everyday.
To anyone who read this to the end, I'm sorry. After this most likely I'll leave this site forever. The shame is killing me. Or perhaps I'll stay around and help anyone who actually needs it.
I'm sorry.
