Rainork
What a load of baloney
- Mar 17, 2023
- 63
Honestly, this is just a vent post.
I'm not massively active a lot of the time, but a few may know me from previous posts.
I've been struggling for many years, attempted twice this year and and I'm trying to work out a reliable method so that I can finally ctb. (Either an OD or jumping, depending on if I can make it up to Beachy Head before getting desperate and attempting a potentially dodgey OD)
In the last month I've been trying (and I mean really trying). I've started daily planning, putting together plans to achieve something and to find a reason to stay alive but it's all come crashing down in the last week.
I relapsed last night (I've cut since a very young age but had been clean for a while, last night the internal pain got too much and I cracked) and it's almost felt like recognition of how I am actually feeling.
Everything I was planning is completely pointless and I've become overly aware of that reality.
In trying to embrace recovery- I've learnt 2 main things.
1. Those around me want more than anything for me to get better; leaving them blind to the pain inside me and putting each good move I make on a pedestal and each downfall ignored. (When something feels ignored, it will do all it can to be seen).
2. Mindset and commitment to improvement means fuck all when your depression doesn't want to carry on.
I don't know what this post is other than a vent and want to share how I've been left feeling in trying to recover.
I haven't put this in the recovery threads because I am planning to ctb asap and I'm just dealing with each day until I can. I tried recovery and it's confirmed that I don't want to do this enough to persevere.
I'm not massively active a lot of the time, but a few may know me from previous posts.
I've been struggling for many years, attempted twice this year and and I'm trying to work out a reliable method so that I can finally ctb. (Either an OD or jumping, depending on if I can make it up to Beachy Head before getting desperate and attempting a potentially dodgey OD)
In the last month I've been trying (and I mean really trying). I've started daily planning, putting together plans to achieve something and to find a reason to stay alive but it's all come crashing down in the last week.
I relapsed last night (I've cut since a very young age but had been clean for a while, last night the internal pain got too much and I cracked) and it's almost felt like recognition of how I am actually feeling.
Everything I was planning is completely pointless and I've become overly aware of that reality.
In trying to embrace recovery- I've learnt 2 main things.
1. Those around me want more than anything for me to get better; leaving them blind to the pain inside me and putting each good move I make on a pedestal and each downfall ignored. (When something feels ignored, it will do all it can to be seen).
2. Mindset and commitment to improvement means fuck all when your depression doesn't want to carry on.
I don't know what this post is other than a vent and want to share how I've been left feeling in trying to recover.
I haven't put this in the recovery threads because I am planning to ctb asap and I'm just dealing with each day until I can. I tried recovery and it's confirmed that I don't want to do this enough to persevere.
