Venting regret from past attempts?

[iced.fscat]

does anyone else grieve the fact that they could've killed themselves much earlier but still survived?
well, when I was 12 - I was at the lowest point of my life and my life kept going downhill, it felt like i was in the pit of pure darkness where suicide was my last resort after all sorts cry for help it was meaningless , so I attempted at 12 by ODing on paracetamol
it was a little impulsive, but I was thinking about doing it for so long for years and I was so ready and accepted the fact I was gonna die

I remember all of this so visually, every bit
i took a lot, and it could've worked. I never intended to tell anyone but when I got to school i kept throwing up, so i had to tell the staffs, then the next thing i was forced in my principal's car to go to the hospital and I remember how much it hurt
but anyways I went to the hospital and got admitted then the doctors said my liver was on its last chance of recovering or i'll have permanent liver failure which to everyone's surprised i recovered miraculously after a few days of intense treatment and had no to little consequences and left the hospital after a few weeks

Anyways I've never really got over that. Had I not went to school or told anybody, I would've held out much longer I would've not survived that and I just can't get over it, I have so much regrets, in a way which I wish it worked because from there I was forced to keep living and yes, things did get better and my life is so much better but Holly fuck, I wish I just died right there and I wouldn't have to deal with so much bullshit nowadays

 

[Nightfoot]

My last attempt was in 2013, although I have had two mult-year episodes of disabling depression. I don't think about the attempt often because it was so long ago. When I do, my regret is the effect it had on my family and that it didn't work, even though I've had some good times between episodes and even got my masters degree. That degree is of no use to me now, because of my current depressive episode. I heard someone once talk about how, even positive experiences are fleeting because even if they made you happy, the feelings are mostly temporary. I can kind of see that. When I earned my masters (in mental health counseling, no less) I was on top of the world, but obviously not on top of the world now, even though I graduated last year. I'm sorry you're struggling, too, and I hope for peace for both of us, as well as everyone on this forum.

 

[littlecutecorpse]

only regret the one time i attempted because it was a stupid impulsive action i made which had me sent to the ward and what made my life go into a downward spiral from there (had already been struggling for a while, just that ward visit alone was enough for me to collapse and fuck my life over ever since).

 

[salviap]

My first and most likely only frail attempt was in April 2021. I do grieve the fact that I could've succeeded, but either way would've been quite painful and uncertain considering my weak method which happened to be OD'ing on antidepressants.