Recovering when problems are not in my control?

[thisIsNotEnough]

I don't know if I want to get better. I just don't think it's possible when the things making me suicidal are not things I can change, so it doesn't feel worth trying.

I mean, there are some things I can address that wouldn't make me less suicidal, but would help me cope with it. I could make more friends, get into a relationship, etc. But I don't know, the idea of making new connections makes me feel like I would be more trapped in this life and hurt even more people if my suicide is as inevitable as it feels.

Does anyone have experience with trying to recover in a situation like this? What actually helped you?

To be honest, talk therapy hasn't done anything for me and no antidepressant has helped one bit, so I don't know what else there is. I'll be starting intensive outpatient soon, but I feel like that will just be a higher quantity of talk therapy and maybe some medications that probably won't help or will make things worse. Please don't suggest religion or spirituality as I have religious trauma. I physically can't exercise as well, though I wish I could :(

 

[mysticatedwine]

even if you can't change the things that make you suicidal, you can try to find ways to change how your brain adresses them. i don't believe it's a bad thing to make connections and friendships, they're part of what will make you find the strength you need. even if things eventually don't work out and you feel like suicide is the only option you have left, you'd have tried. suicide isn't egoistic

most of the things that make me suicidal are things that i have very little control over. i don't have a lot of fighting power, im at the mercy of where the flows leads me. the only thing that helps me struggle are what little consistent hobbies and friendships i've managed to build. they're all i got really

i'm sorry it's a little cheesy of an answer maybe, but that's all i've got until now. as to 'what else there is' as you say, you might as well try anything, if most things until now havent worked out. have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy? it is talk therapy like the rest but it is more structured, scientific, realistic and grounded in the things you can do

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

Yeah I've tried CBT and DBT. But honestly, I don't really think there is a way to change how my brain addresses my traumatic experiences. especially the ones that are ongoing. A lot of how my brain works is almost set in stone from what I experienced in childhood. Yeah, it can change over years and years, but I need to get better immediately because this is unbearable.

The best I've been told by therapists is "yeah that sucks, but hey it can get better", which is just not helpful at all. Or they'll think it's just low self-worth. Like no, I'm suicidal because I deserve better and I don't have better, not because I feel like I'm not valuable. They don't get it a lot of the time, unfortunately. Probably because their first instinct in dealing with patients with suicidal thoughts is that they're irrational, not that the underlying issues need addressing. And even if they recognize the underlying issues, if nothing I do could change them, there's no advice to give other than "hang in there".

I do see the value in friendships and hobbies of keeping me alive, but the bigger issue is quality of life, you know? Sure, maybe it'll stop me from attempting, but even just having these thoughts is a lot to deal with. I'm suicidal because my life sucks, that's all, and if it got better, I wouldn't feel this way anymore. That's why during the brief time where things were mostly okay, I didn't once think about suicide.

Maybe I'm just beyond help at this point, I don't know

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I don't know if I want to get better. I just don't think it's possible when the things making me suicidal are not things I can change, so it doesn't feel worth trying.

I mean, there are some things I can address that wouldn't make me less suicidal, but would help me cope with it. I could make more friends, get into a relationship, etc. But I don't know, the idea of making new connections makes me feel like I would be more trapped in this life and hurt even more people if my suicide is as inevitable as it feels.

Does anyone have experience with trying to recover in a situation like this? What actually helped you?

To be honest, talk therapy hasn't done anything for me and no antidepressant has helped one bit, so I don't know what else there is. I'll be starting intensive outpatient soon, but I feel like that will just be a higher quantity of talk therapy and maybe some medications that probably won't help or will make things worse. Please don't suggest religion or spirituality as I have religious trauma. I physically can't exercise as well, though I wish I could :(

I am in a similar situation and I wish I could tell you what helps but if you've seen my other posts obviously I'm still trapped too. I'm replying to tell you, even though people always say this bullshit , that you're not alone. And that doesn't always make things better but I don't say it in that cliché way, I mean it in the sense that I want you to know someone understands. Because it seems like non-suicidal people could never understand. And feeling understood can go a long way.

 

[nocatwaslost]

One positive thing that being suicidal has achieved for me is to be more "egoistic" and do things I enjoy. I thought a lot about what other people think and expect from me, how they view me, if they like me etc. But once I went into the state of being suicidal I vastly stopped caring about other people and did more of the stuff and things I enjoy. And what happened? I found out that most people do not care.

So what I would suggest to you is: Do the things that you view as helpful, regardless of what the consequences might be (please don't kill anyone). Especially if it would be things like making friends!!! You deserve that, even if you think you ctb someday. You still deserve to make the most out of life until that point

 

[SarahThrowsGin]

As a person who also has religious trauma, it helped me to define a goal to pursue around skills that I have, and channel my "will to power" through it. But there is a caveat, the route was long, the desperation really only disappeared after I have finished it and set a new one to be accomplished with less haste. I don't look in binary terms of "ctb/recovery" though, for me it is a quest for self-determination and not wanting to be a servant of modern world, so if I find a way to make progress without dying, naturally pursuing death becomes less a priority.

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

As a person who also has religious trauma, it helped me to define a goal to pursue around skills that I have, and channel my "will to power" through it. But there is a caveat, the route was long, the desperation really only disappeared after I have finished it and set a new one to be accomplished with less haste. I don't look in binary terms of "ctb/recovery" though, for me it is a quest for self-determination and not wanting to be a servant of modern world, so if I find a way to make progress without dying, naturally pursuing death becomes less a priority.

This used to work for me but I've hit a wall where my efforts aren't getting me any closer to my long-term goals. I just do what I can to get through each day now.

I don't know, it's hard when it's just a waiting game. When there's actually a clear path of smaller stepping stones to a larger goal, that's incredibly motivating to me. But right now it's more like "wait until this thing out of your control gets better and then you can get on those stepping stones". There's this life I want to live and goals I need to achieve to make it a reality, but it's completely cut off from me and that makes it really hard to not just give in to these thoughts. It's a miracle I'm alive tbh

Thanks for your advice <3

 

[calebzz1]

This used to work for me but I've hit a wall where my efforts aren't getting me any closer to my long-term goals. I just do what I can to get through each day now.

I don't know, it's hard when it's just a waiting game. When there's actually a clear path of smaller stepping stones to a larger goal, that's incredibly motivating to me. But right now it's more like "wait until this thing out of your control gets better and then you can get on those stepping stones". There's this life I want to live and goals I need to achieve to make it a reality, but it's completely cut off from me and that makes it really hard to not just give in to these thoughts. It's a miracle I'm alive tbh

Thanks for your advice <3

I read your post and all the replies you gave so far.

This is one of the most relatable statements on this site I have read.

You probably feel the same as I do, a notch below survival mode and nothing changes despite no matter what you say or do.

That's how I personally feel with my medical situation, I'm stuck with a brutal visual impairment that greatly limits my hobbies, personally I can only enjoy listening to music and dancing as you don't need excellent vision for both.

I want to achieve the first route i.e. going to community college instead of my failed four-year university attempt, play videogames, watch television, movies and read books.

I'm currently on the second route which is to get disability benefits and be accepted by an organization which should assist in getting back into work and funding treatment.

One positive thing that being suicidal has achieved for me is to be more "egoistic" and do things I enjoy. I thought a lot about what other people think and expect from me, how they view me, if they like me etc. But once I went into the state of being suicidal I vastly stopped caring about other people and did more of the stuff and things I enjoy. And what happened? I found out that most people do not care.

So what I would suggest to you is: Do the things that you view as helpful, regardless of what the consequences might be (please don't kill anyone). Especially if it would be things like making friends!!! You deserve that, even if you think you ctb someday. You still deserve to make the most out of life until that point

I never will CTB honestly but this is actually part of my worldview now and it has helped a lot.

I only invest time and energy into relationships that do the following in my adult life.

1. Improve my medical situation directly so I can go back to playing video games, watching televison, movies and reading books without struggle.

2. Assist with the household directly.

If people don't meet that criteria, I'm not going to be a saint.