Major Tom
I found heaven in hell
- Feb 24, 2024
- 65
Hi,
I really want to know how you went through suicidal phases.
Because my view on suicide has reverted back to a happy phase and remains constant now.
At first I had never considered suicide as an option, but suddenly out of nowhere, watching some happy psych ward experience something changed.
From then on, I struggled with my thoughts, questioning my intentions.
I needed to overcome the sad reality of it first, and so l did.
I imagined the reaction of every social circle and suffered through it. After a few days, I felt nothing and music had become just rhythmic noise.
But from then on, I drifted towards an excited and euphoric outlook on suicide, even to the point of masochism, wanting to die slow and painfully. Yet, the fear of failure and embarrassment still persisted.
Fast forward through the psych ward, a lukewarm suicide attempt, love, and more depression, I gained a lot of confidence and courage, adapting perfectionism with high life goals.
But deep down, I knew that the void wouldn't be content with superficial goals, which are even harder to achieve with my disabilities and circumstances.
And the realization that I will never be perfect enough has led me to abandon the hope I fiercely held.
I don't have any social interactions (excluding work and family) and feel no compassion towards anyone. The thought of a family member dying leaves me cold.
So, nothing should hold me back now.
Because what else is there to mentally strive for?
I find the thought of suicide joyful, exciting, and would be willing to suffer.
I am really confident in myself and don't fear death.
I really want to know how you went through suicidal phases.
Because my view on suicide has reverted back to a happy phase and remains constant now.
At first I had never considered suicide as an option, but suddenly out of nowhere, watching some happy psych ward experience something changed.
From then on, I struggled with my thoughts, questioning my intentions.
I needed to overcome the sad reality of it first, and so l did.
I imagined the reaction of every social circle and suffered through it. After a few days, I felt nothing and music had become just rhythmic noise.
But from then on, I drifted towards an excited and euphoric outlook on suicide, even to the point of masochism, wanting to die slow and painfully. Yet, the fear of failure and embarrassment still persisted.
Fast forward through the psych ward, a lukewarm suicide attempt, love, and more depression, I gained a lot of confidence and courage, adapting perfectionism with high life goals.
But deep down, I knew that the void wouldn't be content with superficial goals, which are even harder to achieve with my disabilities and circumstances.
And the realization that I will never be perfect enough has led me to abandon the hope I fiercely held.
I don't have any social interactions (excluding work and family) and feel no compassion towards anyone. The thought of a family member dying leaves me cold.
So, nothing should hold me back now.
Because what else is there to mentally strive for?
I find the thought of suicide joyful, exciting, and would be willing to suffer.
I am really confident in myself and don't fear death.
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