Venting puppy’s vent thread

[puppyboy]

trigger warnings for csa, abuse, eating disorders, substance abuse, bullying, and suicide attempts

will mainly be talking about however i feel, current thoughts or events in my life, whatever lo"l

i just feel bad spamming the forum with my posts lol ill also probably wont be sober writing any of this shit so bear with me yeah

i hate talking abt my childhood because i felt like it had it good sometimes.. we grew poor but my mom would come home with good food eventually , especially with how much she was earning. just didn't bother to spend it on us because we felt like liabilities. and she made sure she let ue know we ruined her life by constantly screaming and beating us. my father would just waTch. she loved to go gambling with my father's money and hers, leaving us with nothing. i remember eating plain rice and sometimes nothing at all. or gas station food. better than nothing i guess.

i was often left unsupervised which lead to a lot of grooming and CSA from a father's friend. he put his grubby hands on me more than i can count on my fingers.
hell i was running for my life from the guy, i tried to lock the door wnd he busted in and tried to rape me. he'd already raped me a couple minutes before i tried to run so he wouldnt do it again.

he is dead now, thank god, but it's affected my sense of love so horribly. if someone isn't all over me, obsessing over me, wanting to do harmful things.. i don't want it! i hate myself, i feel so disgusting. i'm so used to being treated horribly i need to feel that way again

i remember when people in school used to snicker at me. calling me a fat ugly fuck. j remember when i had milk and other things dumped on me. hair being pulled, being told i was a disgusting f/ggot tranny. n the thing is that i always kept to myself. i just wanted people to leave the fuck alone, i used to eat my lunch in a bathroom stall for fucks sake

my eating disorder has caused me to drop from bmi 20 to bmi 16 within 2 months, i just can't will myself to eat anything from the severe depression and substance use that's afflicting me. why should i even bother? i'm trying to bulk but i'm totally lacking motivation. i just want to die dude holy fuck. whenever i feel like hell i just take a bunch of pills hoping ill feel better later and then i just get so uninterested in eating and it becomes a stupid cycle.

ive had sooo so many suicide attempts, but i gotta admit i really wasnt trying hard enough.. i've tried psh and otc od but no luck of course..but luckily i could very easily kill myself now- welcome to the usa, where fentanyl is literally fucking everywhere

just not sure if i wanna go through with it so soon yet. but im well aware that my fate will be suicide if heart failure from anorexia doesnt get to me first lol

 

[puppyboy]

i'm missing my ex so much..i keep having these thoughts that she'll come back for me. i miss my sweet girl, i miss the way she talked about me with such admiration. i'm a painter and she was my muse. :( any artistic motivation is gone because of her absence. we are still friends, still talking..but i can't help but feel a sense of betrayal and resentment. she was the only person i poured my heart into. now that i know someone else occupies her mind, she plays games we used to with her boyfriend, she buys him expensive gifts, im even having thoughts of them kissing and having sex and it's killing me!!! she's all i ever wanted. i'll never get her back again. i want to die so badly why am i so replaceable, so unlovable..???

 

[puppyboy]

thinking about taking a small bump of fent tmrw. been eating xanax like it's nothing but it's starting to not knock me out anymore.. mnnnn… i don't wanna OD on accident but at the same time i don't really care..? would scraping off a little piece n mixing it in water do anything?

 

[lameemo]

Hey I'm not anti drug by any means. But if ODing is not what you're going for. I would carefully dose your fent.

I'm honestly not sure about the water thing, but from what I hear the best way to does it is through snorting. (Bumps not lines).

 

[puppyboy]

Hey I'm not anti drug by any means. But if ODing is not what you're going for. I would carefully dose your fent.

I'm honestly not sure about the water thing, but from what I hear the best way to does it is through snorting. (Bumps not lines).

yeah that's why i mentioned just shaving off a piece and mixing it in some water or something - i'd snort it but i really hate the burn and drips from snorting haha

 

[puppyboy]

what's so wrong with me that people don't want to spend time with me? always making plans but it just falls through. or they drop me to go hang out with someone else…!!! i show everyone so much love and get fucking nothing in return. i bet you if i ctb now, nobody except for my immediate family would notice. what a stupid stupid life to live. i just want to be held and cared for and loved like these people do. am i cursed? am i just a stupid mistake?

 

[puppyboy]

i keep going through my ex's profiles and it's just triggering me more and more. she clearly loves him more than she ever could with me. i'm not even worth a reply sometimes. is it fucked up that i use this as motivation to hurt myself? whatever, who cares.

 

[gwnn__]

i keep going through my ex's profiles and it's just triggering me more and more. she clearly loves him more than she ever could with me. i'm not even worth a reply sometimes. is it fucked up that i use this as motivation to hurt myself? whatever, who cares.

I don't think it's fucked up to use this as a "motivation" to hurt yourself. I mean, from what i've read, it's clear that you're suffering from this situation and self harm is a valid reaction to that.