KenDuh
Member
- Nov 1, 2025
- 78
I've been feeling different every day, feeling like this is not my body, like everything is a dream, like I'm less suicidal. So it's hard when I arrive to the psychologist and he asks "how are you?", I don't know what to answer.
I wanna make something clear, I have this feeling that I'm betraying the trust of others, betraying my ego, when I stay alive. I told everyone I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't do it, and I feel shame.
I entered the room, I've been feeling pretty nervous, so my hands shake from time to time. He asks about the readings I had pending, "too nervous to read", "can't concentrate", "only read a little".
We talked about the absurdism of life, but also the meaning, and how I couldn't accept any of those. How did Albert Camus accept absurdism? I would like to accept it, to wake up tomorrow without the idea of killing myself, and just live care free (not really, but you get the point).
We talked about the meaning, what was the meaning for me?, and how could that change from time to time. I told him, I could resign the idea of suicide for a little bit if I had some ice cream (depends on the flavour tho, but I'm not picky). I want to learn to play the piano before dying (I know nothing about music), I want to read a little and write a lot, I got a cute cat named Luca, I got things I could live for, but are they enough?, do I want to live for them? (the answer doesn't matter rn). He told me that I should let the idea of dying just stay there, not fighting with it, it's part of who I am.
Look I don't want to accept a recovery, I still got a lot of things to talk about, a lot of problems that need answers, but I repeat, I feel shameful, why am I alive?, I cannot accept being alive, and the worst part of it is that don't have the certainty to walk that path either, I'm as lost as it gets or so I think.
Btw this is Luca
I wanna make something clear, I have this feeling that I'm betraying the trust of others, betraying my ego, when I stay alive. I told everyone I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't do it, and I feel shame.
I entered the room, I've been feeling pretty nervous, so my hands shake from time to time. He asks about the readings I had pending, "too nervous to read", "can't concentrate", "only read a little".
We talked about the absurdism of life, but also the meaning, and how I couldn't accept any of those. How did Albert Camus accept absurdism? I would like to accept it, to wake up tomorrow without the idea of killing myself, and just live care free (not really, but you get the point).
We talked about the meaning, what was the meaning for me?, and how could that change from time to time. I told him, I could resign the idea of suicide for a little bit if I had some ice cream (depends on the flavour tho, but I'm not picky). I want to learn to play the piano before dying (I know nothing about music), I want to read a little and write a lot, I got a cute cat named Luca, I got things I could live for, but are they enough?, do I want to live for them? (the answer doesn't matter rn). He told me that I should let the idea of dying just stay there, not fighting with it, it's part of who I am.
Look I don't want to accept a recovery, I still got a lot of things to talk about, a lot of problems that need answers, but I repeat, I feel shameful, why am I alive?, I cannot accept being alive, and the worst part of it is that don't have the certainty to walk that path either, I'm as lost as it gets or so I think.
Btw this is Luca
