Venting Preparing for death

[snowlance]

I think im actually slowly giving up more and more now, Im trying to prepare myself for death. I dont want to die but my grandma is finding it harder and harder to pay her house taxes and other things and I feel like she's eventually going to either kick me out or sell the house to my cousin, whos pressuring her to sell it to him and will kick me out as soon as he does. A lot sooner than I expected too. I thought maybe I have 2 more years unless a miracle happens and I get on disability but everyday, the trump administration and how the world is going makes me think thats probably not going to happen. Now im preparing to die by next year. I feel like someone who's been told they have untreatable cancer and they need to prepare things with their family for their death. It feels like the walls are all closing in. Im trying to make dying less scary in my head, or make it more accepting some how. Like "maybe starving to death in my car doesn't sound too painful?" Or "i heard dying from hypothermia is not so bad". Im so scared, I dont want to die but ive been treating my days lately like theyre numbered. Ive isolated myself a lot lately and I feel like most of the people in my life will forget about me. My best friend doesnt talk to me anymore, my ex doesnt talk to me anymore, i went silent and almost everyone on discord and everywhere else just moved on without me. I feel like i try so hard to maintain friendships and felt like it was one sided, and i was right. Im trying to enjoy myself and get high for the last times of my life, its like im mourning myself before im even dead. I dont know what to do anymore.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Sorry about your situation. It's. Rough one. I was homeless the first time when I was 17. Was completely clueless. I because skin, and bones. Hasn't been an easy life but I made it past those early days somehow.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm really sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I know little about the residential laws in your country, but I don't think your grandma and cousin are allowed to arbitrarily make you homeless even though they are the owner. It will be a good idea to contact with homelessness prevention organizations. It's always sad that those who don't want to die are forced to choose to die due to external reasons.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

What pretends you from earning your own money and fend for yourself?

 

[snowlance]

What pretends you from earning your own money and fend for yourself?

I have a undiagnosed dissociative disorder, PTSD, severe ADHD, depression and anxiety. Im barely able to do like 2-4 hours of work a week doing Spark driver, and I do mod commissions for Lethal Company, but i only get paid 100$ a month from that. Around December last year I was unable to work at all, and then after I started HRT, I was able to work for 5-10 hours a week doing Spark, but now my baseline is dropping and I can barely do 2-4 now, and its still getting worse. Medication doesn't work for me, im on really high doses and I keep having to switch over and over because I get a tolerance to them and they stop working for me. Im still desperately seeking help and trying to get on disability but I feel it getting worse and worse and theres nothing I can do about it. Then theres the Big Beautiful Bill that got passed that states in 2026 sometime, i forgot when, but anyone on Medicaid will need to work volunteer or elsewhere for 20 hours a week in order to keep getting benefits. One of my biggest fears is losing my antidepressants because I won't be me anymore, and I'll either die from the elements after being kicked out or ending it myself when my depression wins. I wish more than anything that I could work or hold onto anything for hope but it feels like this world wants me dead.

Sorry about your situation. It's. Rough one. I was homeless the first time when I was 17. Was completely clueless. I because skin, and bones. Hasn't been an easy life but I made it past those early days somehow.

Being homeless at 17 sounds horrible, im sorry you had to go through that. I was homeless at 23 and another time at 25. My parents are abusive and kept allowing me to stay with them only to kick me out later. Its a lot harder actually living it than it sounds in your head. I almost died last time I was homeless and i know I'll definitely die if I become homeless again, that or end up on the hospital again.