SI is tough no matter which method you use. Your mind and body will do all it can do to stay alive. You hear SI so much when it comes to jumping but it can also affect you if you choose a method like SN or hanging. Just something everyone in this position has to deal with.
I still want to believe that some methods are easier than others. I rehearsed hanging, and once I lost consciousness in just a few seconds. Another time, on an ordinary evening, I felt such unbearable pain that I started choking myself with my hands, and I was curious what it would be like to hang while lying on the bed. I grabbed a cat leash. From the very first seconds, it hurt terribly, nothing could compare to the first method, when I literally felt nothing, but even in the second, I still wanted to stay. I wanted to die despite all the pain and without even imagining what would come next. I accepted that the end would be just as painful as this life. That day, the boyfriend I live with was supposed to come with a gift, and I thought I couldn't ruin everything and shock him. It hurt so much, and it got even worse, although I thought I could withstand incredible pain because there was no difference between being in the noose and outside it. The noose promises me nonexistence, unlike life, which will continue to torment me for a long time. Maybe this is still a manifestation of the survival instinct, but it seems I could take this step: tie my hands with cuffs in advance, wrap my face with reinforced tape, cover myself with a bag, and either go somewhere far away or lay down on a mat with a note on the door if I don't leave. There were chances to jump out of a window. I deliberately staged events to be on high floors, but I never did. Inner anxiety drowns out all the lures you invent, you literally hear nothing, see nothing. Something unknown, not even fear but this aching anxiety, paralyzes you, and you can't take your hands off the ledge. You can't falter. I would like to live on a high floor or for my boyfriend to get a gun. I no longer think about when it will happen. If before I didn't think about doing it at school after bad grades or family arguments so as not to leave blame for others, or so that my death wouldn't seem like a grievance or protest, now, even understanding all the inconveniences for others, I just want it to end somehow. Others will suffer, the only strength lies in intensity. I still wouldn't choose the easiest outcome. I think so much about others. But the pain and existence itself, which I would prefer not to exist at all, is unbearable. I have wanted to die for so many years. After my last attempt, all my strength is gone. I can't even consider another attempt with a trip to another city and a high-rise building because I am exhausted. I can't even die. It is a trap. I really hope it will end soon. I will find all the strength, find alcohol, exhaust myself, and end this.
