Discussion Perspective needed

[engineered_failure]

Taking away all emotion, objectively speaking, the reasons i want to kill myself are:

1. Tens of thousands in student debt with the near certainty of getting kicked out of university + all the lost future income I should have had
2. Five years of my life wasted, + the effects this will have on my future
3. Failure to myself, my loving parents, and my siblings (I haven't spoken to them in months so maybe not but I love them)

I'm fucking tired and I can't seem to get my shit together even in the third (re)try. I know it's still not worth killing myself and deep down I don't want to...but I just don't want to live anymore.
I understand this is not nearly as bad as some of the situations I've seen other people here be in, but I can't put into words how hellish my life has been. That is why I said objectively, there's also other factors like iiterally having no friends anymore and going from skinny and athletic to the complete opposite...

But I'm 23 and even though I've genuinely completely wasted my life from 19-23, there is a possibility that I get my shit together, just losing hope due to repeated failures that I myself am responsible for. Idk why I'm even making this post. Thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[wine is fine but]

taking away all emotion, objectively speaking
you too young - for two reasons
1. you are still in the most difficult age group - things will start to improve, but you may not notice them improving until your late 20's or even at 30. your emotions and feelings are much more intense now, than they will be when you have fully matured
2. colonel sanders was 62 when he opened his first kfc branch. you have 29 years on him at present, longer than you have actually been alive. it is never too late to start . . . ever

if you drink or take substances, i would suggest to stop them. eat as healthily as you can. good stomach health is also good for your brain health. breathe deep into your stomach if you do not already do so. figure out what you would like to do with your life. you may have to do anything at present to get to the rest of your life, but have some degree of plan, and break it down into smaller, achievable steps

you already know that none of your issues are worth killing yourself for, so just give life a huge try. take taking your own life off the table, so you can think about the future. you cannot plan for something you do not see yourself having

perhaps your issues are worth taking your own life, but they probably are not. sometimes, almost always we need to take a deep breath to see through all of the crap directly in front of our eyes so we can see the bigger picture behind all of the chaos. i tried to take my own life 6 times before i was 21. almost 4 decades later i am still here. i do not want guilt you into living if you really do not want to, but just trying to give you some real life experience so you can make an informed decision on what is right for you

good luck, whatever you choose

 

[LilGhost]

I am sorry you had to go through it.
Any ctb reasons are valid. The main thing id say, that you dont want to ctb, as it is supposed to be fully yours decision. What country are you from? Asking cause if you dont have any big assets, technically in some countries, you can try to get your debts forgiven through bankruptcy. In a life perspective, 5 years is not a deadly sentence, so you still have your whole life ahead. Not me, but my father, had.... uuuuuh.... at least 4-5 i think? different educations, he dropped at least two of them, yet (despite how much I dislike him) he has a decent life and even was a diplomat at some point of his life (and his parents werent in political sphere, so not through connections, at least as I remember). So not everything you do rn is smth you have to do in the future. Also, maybe you wont even get kicked out of your uni? Depends on whats the reason. If thats the grades issue, I can suggest you to check if your uni has smth like accessible learning (in my college (Canada) you can get it for a semester even with no diagnosis and I would assume that suici dal thoughts are enough to be diagnosed with depression and maybe anxiety which you can use as a ground for accessible learning) which could help you a lot. Based on your name I assume you study engineering which I know is hella hard, so my respect (as a creature who barely passes my cybersec math, I could never....). Since you love your family, I assume, they love you back, so connecting with them might help you feel better (smth I learned is that you need to let people choose if they want to help you, instead of pushing them away. Like, if someone wants to help you, they WANT to help you, so pushing them away doesnt help neither of you)
Anyway.... My point is... If you have will to continue going through life, nothing is lost here. Stupid allegory, but when you fight a boss in a game, it can kill you hundreds of times, but you only need to kill it once xd. Checking the recovery subforum here might also help you as they do provide some useful tips on how to get better.
I Hope you will be able to beat shit out of your problems!

 

[darn]

Taking away all emotion, objectively speaking, the reasons i want to kill myself are:

1. Tens of thousands in student debt with the near certainty of getting kicked out of university + all the lost future income I should have had
2. Five years of my life wasted, + the effects this will have on my future
3. Failure to myself, my loving parents, and my siblings (I haven't spoken to them in months so maybe not but I love them)

I'm fucking tired and I can't seem to get my shit together even in the third (re)try. I know it's still not worth killing myself and deep down I don't want to...but I just don't want to live anymore.
I understand this is not nearly as bad as some of the situations I've seen other people here be in, but I can't put into words how hellish my life has been. That is why I said objectively, there's also other factors like iiterally having no friends anymore and going from skinny and athletic to the complete opposite...

But I'm 23 and even though I've genuinely completely wasted my life from 19-23, there is a possibility that I get my shit together, just losing hope due to repeated failures that I myself am responsible for. Idk why I'm even making this post. Thoughts would be appreciated.

I feel like I might have perspective, but am struggling with thinking. I relate a lot. For number one, the debt may be dischargeable, I think if googling student debt disability discharge, or similar. If you identify with a disability and connect with a supportive med or psych person

For two I feel similar. For three, blaming oneself sounds hard to me, but I don't know - it's hard for me to think of me. On one hand, I know dozens of pressures that harm me. But also, I expect other people have many pressures to, I just don't know what most of them are, and I don't ask. I don't know really how I compare to other people, in terms of situations working against us. Often I feel I have more working against me, by seeing things others aren't concerned about. But I also recognize some possible advantages I have that they don't. I don't understand what that ultimately means for comparing quality of life with them.

I'm worrying my thoughts aren't coherent, but I'm unsure I saw a post before mentioning the age range / years you mentioned, and struggling in these years helps me to connect on, maybe

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

A lot of that stuff is temporary, and 23 is… imo that would be very short sighted to give up so prematurely. If you're worried your thoughts aren't coherent, seek the help of a mental health professional.

 

[darn]

A lot of that stuff is temporary, and 23 is… imo that would be very short sighted to give up so prematurely. If you're worried your thoughts aren't coherent, seek the help of a mental health professional.

If you thought I was OP, Im not the OP, and didn't ask for advice on this. I don't mind perspectives, if they speak for oneself, not telling or implying Shoulds for others, but please don't advise like you have

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

If you thought I was OP, Im not the OP, and didn't ask for advice on this. I don't mind perspectives, if they speak for oneself, not telling or implying Shoulds for others, but please don't advise like you have

Oh snap, you're right, I did. My bad, sorry for shoulding all over you.

 

[engineered_failure]

taking away all emotion, objectively speaking
you too young - for two reasons
1. you are still in the most difficult age group - things will start to improve, but you may not notice them improving until your late 20's or even at 30. your emotions and feelings are much more intense now, than they will be when you have fully matured
2. colonel sanders was 62 when he opened his first kfc branch. you have 29 years on him at present, longer than you have actually been alive. it is never too late to start . . . ever

if you drink or take substances, i would suggest to stop them. eat as healthily as you can. good stomach health is also good for your brain health. breathe deep into your stomach if you do not already do so. figure out what you would like to do with your life. you may have to do anything at present to get to the rest of your life, but have some degree of plan, and break it down into smaller, achievable steps

you already know that none of your issues are worth killing yourself for, so just give life a huge try. take taking your own life off the table, so you can think about the future. you cannot plan for something you do not see yourself having

perhaps your issues are worth taking your own life, but they probably are not. sometimes, almost always we need to take a deep breath to see through all of the crap directly in front of our eyes so we can see the bigger picture behind all of the chaos. i tried to take my own life 6 times before i was 21. almost 4 decades later i am still here. i do not want guilt you into living if you really do not want to, but just trying to give you some real life experience so you can make an informed decision on what is right for you

good luck, whatever you choose

you're very right and deep down i agree with every thing you've said. the issue is that i hate myself more than i hate this world. i genuinely try and do good and be good to people, and then fuck up my own life and get myself (99% sure) kicked out of university. for nothing. i used to have a GPA i was proud of and now years later i'm over 3 years behind my friends and cant even bring myself to look at how much the GPA's dropped. i dont understand why i care so much about everything except the things that matter to me and those i love. i've been to counselling and met with a psychiatrist - i truly believed i was going to get better 1 year ago exactly and that i learnt my lesson...and then i fucked it up as soon as things went well and now i'm here again. for the FOURTH year having made no progress in any area of my life. im wasting the best years of my life doing literally fuck all. i feel like this is a result of not getting over the first time i 'wasted a year,' and now because of that i'm now at my third/fourth wasted year...if i couldnt mentally get over that, how will i ever get over this (unfortunately i also feel as though the answer to that is money, i'll only feel like i've 'made up' for my past if i make a certain amount and use some of that to help my parents for how i've treated them).

all i wanted was to make my parents proud and looking back i've done the exact opposite. i know i wont kill myself either and tbh i cant because id rather suffer as much as necessary than also add the loss of a child to my parent's lists of problems i've singlehandedly caused. idk if any of this even makes sense, everything i've said on this site just seems like a vent. thank you for your perspective and advice regardless, i do appreciate it.

I am sorry you had to go through it.
Any ctb reasons are valid. The main thing id say, that you dont want to ctb, as it is supposed to be fully yours decision. What country are you from? Asking cause if you dont have any big assets, technically in some countries, you can try to get your debts forgiven through bankruptcy. In a life perspective, 5 years is not a deadly sentence, so you still have your whole life ahead. Not me, but my father, had.... uuuuuh.... at least 4-5 i think? different educations, he dropped at least two of them, yet (despite how much I dislike him) he has a decent life and even was a diplomat at some point of his life (and his parents werent in political sphere, so not through connections, at least as I remember). So not everything you do rn is smth you have to do in the future. Also, maybe you wont even get kicked out of your uni? Depends on whats the reason. If thats the grades issue, I can suggest you to check if your uni has smth like accessible learning (in my college (Canada) you can get it for a semester even with no diagnosis and I would assume that suici dal thoughts are enough to be diagnosed with depression and maybe anxiety which you can use as a ground for accessible learning) which could help you a lot. Based on your name I assume you study engineering which I know is hella hard, so my respect (as a creature who barely passes my cybersec math, I could never....). Since you love your family, I assume, they love you back, so connecting with them might help you feel better (smth I learned is that you need to let people choose if they want to help you, instead of pushing them away. Like, if someone wants to help you, they WANT to help you, so pushing them away doesnt help neither of you)
Anyway.... My point is... If you have will to continue going through life, nothing is lost here. Stupid allegory, but when you fight a boss in a game, it can kill you hundreds of times, but you only need to kill it once xd. Checking the recovery subforum here might also help you as they do provide some useful tips on how to get better.
I Hope you will be able to beat shit out of your problems!

Thank you for your advice. Yes I study engineering, and yes I'm Canadian as well. There is a slim chance I don't get kicked out but I don't know what I'll do if i do get kicked. It was never about engineering being 'too difficult' (it definitely is, but it's the time management + amount of work for me more than anything). As a result, I feel 100% responsible because I just wasn't disciplined enough and didn't learn my lesson for 3 fucking years of falling behind. It's insane looking back, each time I felt less and less in-control of my life, and I fell deeper and deeper into a mental pit. I can't now be kicked out and also have tens of thousands in debt, plus be a fucking disappointment to everyone. Again, I know this isn't enough to warrant suicide, but I'm so exhausted and so disappointed in myself. If it was a skill/intelligence/anything-out-of-my-control issue, I wouldn't be upset, I'd be understanding of myself and accept it.

I like your allegory about it being similar to beating a video game boss. At the end of the day, it really isn't about beating the game as fast as possible or playing it through flawlessly (not possible anyways). It's a game - the goal is to experience it - that is all. Thanks again for your perspective, I'll check out the recovery subforum and I wish you the best with the things that led you here as well.