Help people have a general dislike towards me and I don’t know why (pls help me understand)

[tieiwi]

I don't know if im posting this in the right spot. I'm seriously at my wits end right now. I need a second opinion. I'm sorry this will probably be long…

Everyone I've ever met doesn't like me at some point. I know this because people stare at me in a specific way mid sentence and in their eyes it looks like they hate me. It's like a very condescending look. Now I know how to talk to people and how to ask questions and how to listen. My tone of voice is very nice and I make sure of that since I was abused as a child if I had any ounce of attitude in my face or voice. I'm very supporting of others and I do tend to over compliment but none of it is fake I mean all of it. I genuinely have a lot of love to give. But people find me annoying and they only keep me around because they'll look bad if they don't since technically I don't do anything wrong. I'm not offensive to others and I'm very considerate. I am a people pleaser but I have peers who are similar to me who are treated much better. My friends around me are the type to still hangout with me and be nice to my face but feel a different way about me behind my back. So I don't understand why I'm being treated this way. It's so frustrating because I'll even give disclaimers about myself being more quiet than usual if im tired or something and yet my friends still give me attitude for it. I think I may be autistic the way people's first reaction to me is disgust. If anyone could help in any way on why people aren't so fond of me that'd be great. Thank you guys.

 

[justanotherfailure]

I'm sorry, you seem really nice. People can just be dumb sometimes

 

[VoidBlessed]

It's like that for me too. The only conclusion that made sense to me was that this was something fundamental to myself, and there's nothing to understand beyond that.

 

[NoHorizon]

When you say your friends are nice to your face but feel differently behind your back, do you know this from somebody telling you or is that just what you think happens? You could consider whether you're projecting any self-criticism on to them, and deciding on how they feel about you based on how you feel about yourself. I know that when my mind is in a worse place I haves tendency to believe everyone hates me and is looking at me weirdly when in reality they probably aren't.

Do you trust any of your friends enough to ask them for genuine feedback as to what they might dislike about you?

From your description the only thing I could think of as to why people may dislike you would be if you are too much of a people pleaser that can come across as insincere. In which case, your intention of being nice will have the opposite effect. That being said, I doubt EVERYONE thinks that way, so from my very limited perspective I suspect it to be more likely that you're just not correct in your assessment of how people feel about you because you're in a bad mental space yourself. You sound very conscious of how you are treat people which is a very kind quality so I don't see why people wouldn't value that kindness.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Similar situation for me too. I gave up and just accepted that's the way it's going to be for me.

 

[tieiwi]

When you say your friends are nice to your face but feel differently behind your back, do you know this from somebody telling you or is that just what you think happens? You could consider whether you're projecting any self-criticism on to them, and deciding on how they feel about you based on how you feel about yourself. I know that when my mind is in a worse place I haves tendency to believe everyone hates me and is looking at me weirdly when in reality they probably aren't.

Do you trust any of your friends enough to ask them for genuine feedback as to what they might dislike about you?

From your description the only thing I could think of as to why people may dislike you would be if you are too much of a people pleaser that can come across as insincere. In which case, your intention of being nice will have the opposite effect. That being said, I doubt EVERYONE thinks that way, so from my very limited perspective I suspect it to be more likely that you're just not correct in your assessment of how people feel about you because you're in a bad mental space yourself. You sound very conscious of how you are treat people which is a very kind quality so I don't see why people wouldn't value that kindness.

Thank you for taking the time to answer to my post I really appreciate all the advice and knowledge you shared. I know this because there is a friend in our group who we all collectively don't like but my other friends feel too much pity for them to cut off the friendship and deal with them politely and normally but talk about them behind their back.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm sorry you have this also.... It's been like this for me my entire life. Perhaps I just give off some vibe I'm unaware of.
Friend circle has shrunk to zero... Most of the time. Maybe you could ask some of them how they actually feel about you.
I don't know.

 

[looking4partner]

Yes, I was thinking you being ADHD and/or autistic could be a possibility. Because I know the look that you are talking about, but I was never able to tell why people were doing it to me so much, but it made me feel self-conscious. And not to be rude, but if you are, then it doesn't exactly matter how much of a people pleaser you are because you will still accidentally word things in a way that doesn't make sense to neurotypical people or that they will read unintended implications into that you were not trying to send but most neurotypical people are when they phrase things similarly. Because struggles with being misunderstood & misinterpreted & communication are all traits of autism and basically the definition of the main part of being autistic. Which is that autistic people don't socialize or connect to others in the "correct"/common/accepted way and learn by trial and error. But autistic people struggle with recognizing the context and patterns of each individual person because even each neurotypical person will have differing interpretations of the same sentence and different boundaries individually of what they are okay with socially. And even if an autistic person knows that they struggle in a certain type of situation, it doesn't mean that they will recognize that that type of situation is happening again the next time that it happens. Because you have to be able to read and indeed things like body language/nonverbal signals + the individual's personality + when it is okay to say certain things + how it is acceptable to word a phrase socially + sometimes what the group will tolerate being said about another person + the social rules of each group of people which can change based on the friend group or community environment of a job and what environment you are in (example: working with coworkers vs going out for a fun hangout event with coworkers if people still do this). And tbh, many people are annoyed by autistic traits such as asking questions that seem obvious to the neurotypical person or perseverating (not being able to switch topics and potentially repeating the same question about the same thing multiple different ways because the autistic person does not understand what the answer is to the question they are trying to find out an answer to it is asking a question that is about too specific if a situation for the other person to be able to answer or is asking the person a question which they would have no way to know the answer to because it is either too early to say or they do not have access to the information that would answer that question or because they are not the right person to be asking and expecting to know the answer to that question.

And is someone has ADHD, people can get annoyed that they need them to keep repeating the exact same information that they just said because of forgetting or accidentally zoning out or taking a longer time to process what is being said and needing it repeated multiple times before they are able to process all the pieces of information and fully understand everything completely. (And if they are autistic they learn by small details at a time instead of the big picture and cannot "visualize" the big picture automatically when neurotypical people can. And they may also have a very rigid interpretation of certain "rules" they are told and think that they are much stricter than they actually are which can accidentally make things more difficult for other people to be able to do a task together if that makes sense.

Yes, I was thinking you being ADHD and/or autistic could be a possibility. Because I know the look that you are talking about, but I was never able to tell why people were doing it to me so much, but it made me feel self-conscious. And not to be rude, but if you are, then it doesn't exactly matter how much of a people pleaser you are because you will still accidentally word things in a way that doesn't make sense to neurotypical people or that they will read unintended implications into that you were not trying to send but most neurotypical people are when they phrase things similarly. Because struggles with being misunderstood & misinterpreted & communication are all traits of autism and basically the definition of the main part of being autistic. Which is that autistic people don't socialize or connect to others in the "correct"/common/accepted way and learn by trial and error. But autistic people struggle with recognizing the context and patterns of each individual person because even each neurotypical person will have differing interpretations of the same sentence and different boundaries individually of what they are okay with socially. And even if an autistic person knows that they struggle in a certain type of situation, it doesn't mean that they will recognize that that type of situation is happening again the next time that it happens. Because you have to be able to read and indeed things like body language/nonverbal signals + the individual's personality + when it is okay to say certain things + how it is acceptable to word a phrase socially + sometimes what the group will tolerate being said about another person + the social rules of each group of people which can change based on the friend group or community environment of a job and what environment you are in (example: working with coworkers vs going out for a fun hangout event with coworkers if people still do this). And tbh, many people are annoyed by autistic traits such as asking questions that seem obvious to the neurotypical person or perseverating (not being able to switch topics and potentially repeating the same question about the same thing multiple different ways because the autistic person does not understand what the answer is to the question they are trying to find out an answer to it is asking a question that is about too specific if a situation for the other person to be able to answer or is asking the person a question which they would have no way to know the answer to because it is either too early to say or they do not have access to the information that would answer that question or because they are not the right person to be asking and expecting to know the answer to that question.

And is someone has ADHD, people can get annoyed that they need them to keep repeating the exact same information that they just said because of forgetting or accidentally zoning out or taking a longer time to process what is being said and needing it repeated multiple times before they are able to process all the pieces of information and fully understand everything completely. (And if they are autistic they learn by small details at a time instead of the big picture and cannot "visualize" the big picture automatically when neurotypical people can. And they may also have a very rigid interpretation of certain "rules" they are told and think that they are much stricter than they actually are which can accidentally make things more difficult for other people to be able to do a task together if that makes sense.

My device wouldn't let me continue to type in the previous comment. Lastly, both people pleasers and autistic people are more likely to be taken advantage of because most people will try to "get away" with as much as possible to reach their own goal. Meaning, if someone is easier to "push over," people will continue to do this because it's the path of least resistance vs asking a different person who is more assertive and firm in their boundaries and who doesn't give in when people try to pressure them and push past their boundaries and possibly guilt trip them, etc. And the more that the people pleaser does what other people want instead of voicing their own needs, the more people get used to them being receptive to compromise/change to doing what that person is requesting or pushing for. And they will associate that pattern of the person giving in and being easy to push past with the people pleaser and get used to expecting that dynamic
This is why when some people who are in therapy start becoming more assertive & try to become more firm in enforcing their boundaries, other people in their life will start to lash out and get angry because they are not acting according to the pattern of how the person expects them to act and is used to. And also because people don't like change.


Another thing is that a lot of person's impressions are colored by their insecurities, so even if you explain that you are quiet today because of feeling tired, they could still come up with things you could possibly be thinking about them and then assume that is true even though you never said it and didn't think it either. (This is an automatic negative thought pattern from CBT called "mind reading." And everyone does it, but I guess people with depression either do it more often throughout the day or believe it more often or ruminate about it more or are not able to cope with it as well with the following thoughts afterward or are more sensitive to the impact of the thought?)

For example, I am also quiet and talkative people would often say things like
"[looking4partner] is probably judging us so hard right now. They are thinking 'That's such a weird thing to do and you're annoying." Even though I never said things like that & I wasn't thinking that.

I hope some of this info is helpful.

Also if you are autistic, autistic people can accidentally make facial expressions that either reveal too much of what they're thinking when a neurotypical person would try to somewhat hide it or not make any type of facial expression which is not interpreted by the other person as a positive response and I guess could be a nonverbal/body language sign of judgement. And autistic people also accidentally say things in different unintended tones without meaning it to be communicated with that implication such as the voice tone of a genuine compliment sounding sarcastic or a joke sounding dead serious. Or sighing because they are frustrated/stressed but seeming like they are doing it because they're annoyed with the person who they're talking to and that it's directed toward that person. And autistic people can also unknowingly give off body language that sends the opposite message. Such as not making eye contact & crossing their arms frequently because they're shy/anxious or cold, but it's sending a nonverbal message appearing that they're unwelcoming or giving off signals that they don't want people to talk to them. Even if they're actually trying to meet as many new people as possible that day and wanting everyone to make contact with/approach them. And I only know a lot of this because of watching YouTube videos by autistic people & posts online by them about social skills advice & social struggles.

 

[madameviolette]

Are you sure they don't like you ?? I don't want to invalidate your experience I'm genuinely asking because I have friends who sometimes think I don't like them. It happens when I'm tired, or don't answer to their messages for a few hours and so on.

Some of my friends are always convinced people don't like them or that they did something wrong. I always have to remind them everything's fine.

 

[Mooncry]

Sounds exactly like me. I'm autistic with childhood trauma, so I genuinely can't tell if it's A) People hate me because I appear outwardly "off" due to my autism, B) I'm just projecting my hatred of myself onto how they must feel about me, but they don't actually hate me at all, or C) They do secretly hate me, simple as that. Or a combination of all three.

I used to be a heavy people-pleaser for most of my life, thinking it made people like me more, but now I've come to realize that being a "yes" person doesn't gain you respect at all. It only makes you someone people feel they can use for easy validation. The truth is that it doesn't matter how much of a people-pleaser you are; people will always talk about you behind your back, and it won't always be good things. That's not some paranoid delulu shit either, it's just what humans do. They gossip, everyone talks about everyone. Like I said, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But everyone is subject to it, no matter how nice you are. There's always something that someone will dislike about you.

That's one of the biggest realizations that led me to being more comfortable with being myself and stop being such a kiss-ass. If people are going to talk shit no matter what, you might as well be your genuine, unapologetic self instead of faking it. Not saying I'm perfect or I've found total enlightenment, because I still fawn and people-please a lot of times. It's behavior that's been engrained in me for 90% of my life, and it's not going away in a few months, or even years. Maybe it won't ever go away. I don't plan on being around much longer to find out anyway, but that's beside the point.

Also, in my experience, people can generally easily tell when you're being overly nice to the point of sounding disingenuous. Even if it's as you say and you're completely genuine when you give compliments, etc., it will come off as people-pleasing, and trust me, people can tell. Not everybody likes people-pleasers either. In fact, I'd say the only ones who find that behavior attractive are manipulators and narcissists. Most well-meaning people are going to be turned off by sycophantic behavior, so that could also be why you're getting negative reactions—your intense desire to appear likable is actually working against you.

I know it's obvious advice, but the best path forward truly is to just learn to be yourself. Say your opinions without worrying about if it's the "right opinion" or not. Say how you really feel and not how you think people want you to feel. Do what feels true to you. You'll have much better chances of earning the respect of genuine people whilst filtering out those with bad intentions. Also you get to discover who you truly are behind the mask. It's a win-win, but also much easier said than done. Hell, the main reason I was able to start breaking free from it is because I just got exhausted by it. Having a different identity specially curated to every person in my life got really fucking tiring after 20+ years. And the one good thing about my depression is that it's made me apathetic to most things, including the way people think about me. But I digress…

Well, that's my ramble, from one chronic people-pleaser to another! Best of luck, friend.

 

[HangMan123]

Autism could be possible because of the mid-sentence stare that you get. That indicates that there's something wrong with the way you talk or the things you're saying, even if you don't mean it to come off that way.
Regardless, I get how you feel. I hope someday you find someone who can truly appreciate you because you seem like a very sweet person.