remembertherain
Mr. Blue
- Oct 22, 2024
- 2
Hello SaSu.
Things are terrible again. It's reached the part of the year I despise the most; 3 years ago in November I made the most pathetic attempt on my life. In the years proceeding I've fallen in and out of self harm addiction. I spent 2023 studying to give my life some direction, and last year refusing to leave my bed because university caused me so much distress.
A year ago, I was picked up in an ambulance via welfare check and taken to hospital. I was put on a scratchy, uncomfortable bed for 6 hours waiting for the psychiatric liason. My boyfriend was there because the ambulance knocked on my bedroom door at 4am and woke us up. I asked him to come with me, he looked frustrated.
When I finally spoke to the team (two older women), I was nonchalant and honest. If they didn't lock me up in here, they'd have blood on their hands. I had the facilities to die, I had the plan and I had the intention. I spoke angrily about my life in the past tense. I was wearing my pyjamas, dressing gown caked in flakey blood.
Recounting my past didn't seem to spark any inspiration for them. I guess I'm not a special case. It was only the mention of my potential PCOS that (literally) pricked their eyebrows up. Suddenly they 'understood'. Suddenly it 'made sense'.
I received a letter not long later in the post. 'He says he experiences memory issues yet he was able to recount key moments in his history'. 'This seems to be attachment seeking behaviour'. 'PCOS exacerbating emotions'.
Insinuating that my deeply documented past with Severe Personality Disorder is not notable.
To be seen as such a whelp by these people, spoken about like a toddler who cannot stand lack of attention. To be looked at like I'm lying. For what reason would I lie about this with my litany of diagnoses, fun???
I ripped that letter to shreds.
I decided to try university again, 'I would REALLY try this time'. No more vain stupidity. I would get myself on track. I've now been told, due to my past truancy, that my funding has been cut this year and I will be unable to pay rent for the new place I was starting to really enjoy.
I am recognised by the government as disabled. I am incapable of work. More than a few hours off my medication makes me volatile. I am an unstable and unenjoyable person to be around. I have been suicidal since I knew I had the option. And now I could be made homeless because of my incompetence.
Every year, November looms. 3 suicide attempts in that month, all inconsequential. If the world doesn't give me a sign, any sign, that I'm not the attention seeking liar that the mental health system seems to regard me as then I'm uninterested. I'm not living through another anniversary without letting the system know that it failed me. My death will eventually be a footnote in everyone's lives but it will free me from this agonising cycle.
It's a shame, really. I was almost starting to enjoy it again. My boyfriend is going to be in complete wrecks. My friends are going to hate themselves for not doing something. I feel bad about that. But I deserve my own end how I see fit. I cannot live in the shadow of my past failures anymore.
Things are terrible again. It's reached the part of the year I despise the most; 3 years ago in November I made the most pathetic attempt on my life. In the years proceeding I've fallen in and out of self harm addiction. I spent 2023 studying to give my life some direction, and last year refusing to leave my bed because university caused me so much distress.
A year ago, I was picked up in an ambulance via welfare check and taken to hospital. I was put on a scratchy, uncomfortable bed for 6 hours waiting for the psychiatric liason. My boyfriend was there because the ambulance knocked on my bedroom door at 4am and woke us up. I asked him to come with me, he looked frustrated.
When I finally spoke to the team (two older women), I was nonchalant and honest. If they didn't lock me up in here, they'd have blood on their hands. I had the facilities to die, I had the plan and I had the intention. I spoke angrily about my life in the past tense. I was wearing my pyjamas, dressing gown caked in flakey blood.
Recounting my past didn't seem to spark any inspiration for them. I guess I'm not a special case. It was only the mention of my potential PCOS that (literally) pricked their eyebrows up. Suddenly they 'understood'. Suddenly it 'made sense'.
I received a letter not long later in the post. 'He says he experiences memory issues yet he was able to recount key moments in his history'. 'This seems to be attachment seeking behaviour'. 'PCOS exacerbating emotions'.
Insinuating that my deeply documented past with Severe Personality Disorder is not notable.
To be seen as such a whelp by these people, spoken about like a toddler who cannot stand lack of attention. To be looked at like I'm lying. For what reason would I lie about this with my litany of diagnoses, fun???
I ripped that letter to shreds.
I decided to try university again, 'I would REALLY try this time'. No more vain stupidity. I would get myself on track. I've now been told, due to my past truancy, that my funding has been cut this year and I will be unable to pay rent for the new place I was starting to really enjoy.
I am recognised by the government as disabled. I am incapable of work. More than a few hours off my medication makes me volatile. I am an unstable and unenjoyable person to be around. I have been suicidal since I knew I had the option. And now I could be made homeless because of my incompetence.
Every year, November looms. 3 suicide attempts in that month, all inconsequential. If the world doesn't give me a sign, any sign, that I'm not the attention seeking liar that the mental health system seems to regard me as then I'm uninterested. I'm not living through another anniversary without letting the system know that it failed me. My death will eventually be a footnote in everyone's lives but it will free me from this agonising cycle.
It's a shame, really. I was almost starting to enjoy it again. My boyfriend is going to be in complete wrecks. My friends are going to hate themselves for not doing something. I feel bad about that. But I deserve my own end how I see fit. I cannot live in the shadow of my past failures anymore.
