Partner cried after telling them how suicidal I am

[mangoastronaut]

Yesterday, I was having a particularly bad day. Instead of acting on my impulses, I decided to talk to my partner about it. They could sense something was off.

I told them that I've been using our evil stick to hurt myself instead of cutting and that I have a plan to ctb. (if you don't know what a evil stick is, it's a BDSM toy) I regretted telling them about the pain stick, because now they hid it and I can't hurt myself with it (or them. It was my favorite toy to use on them, but that's besides the point)

We were supposed to clean the apartment when we got home, but instead they asked if we could cuddle for a few minutes which turned into the rest of the night. They started crying, telling me they don't want to come home to see me dead. They felt bad too, because I was comforting them when it was me who needed the comfort. I said that this is something that doesn't only affect me but affects us.

In the past, I've had to comfort people about my suicidal thoughts, and it was always so frustrating for me because I had asked for help and it was never given. It ended up making me feel worse. This time, though, it was comforting to hold on to them while they covered my shirt with tears and snot. I think it's playing the dominant role in our relationship that's giving me drive, because if I can't protect them then who will? They're the only reason I am still alive; I would have ctb'ed two months ago if it weren't for them. I told them this.

But I'm still suicidal, very suicidal. I still really want to ctb, even if this time around they talked me out of it. I can't be alive just for one person, I have to be alive for myself. And I can't find a reason why I should be allowed to keep living. I am a waste of space and a terrible investment from my family. I think the only way I can do it is if I break up with them, but I can't bring myself to do that either because I love them so much. They even said if I died or we broke up, they wouldn't find anyone else. I am their true and only love. I know they would do this because that's what their mother did after her husband died.

I'm cooked. I have a way out but one big, heartbreaking obstacle in the way.

 

[TBONTB]

I'm sorry for this pain. It's so hard to stay here when we don't want to or can't. And so hard to let someone down. I have nothing to say, only sympathy for you.

 

[CapitánBeto]

I can't be alive just for one person, I have to be alive for myself.

I can empathize with this.
My family and friends are what keep me alive, I do it for them. In particular, for my parents.
...and it's a daily struggle trying to come to terms with it.
I take a stoic approach to life, that's how.

In the past, I've had to comfort people about my suicidal thoughts, and it was always so frustrating for me because I had asked for help and it was never given.

This is frustrating for me as well. I feel that if I tell anyone about my depression and suicidal thoughts, it is me who will have to comfort them... or they will try to comfort me with some bs taken out of a self-help book.
So the only way to find comfort for us, suicidals, is among other suicidals.