Resource Overcoming internalized transphobia

[U. A.]

I see a lot of talk on here from people wanting to die due to trans issues, but as a non-trans person whose work is very near this issue, one of the saddest themes I see in people's suffering is wanting to die because they feel unable to achieve an extremely specific presentation of a gender—one that is often very in line with a (harmful) societal gender binary. Which, of course, comes with a host of problems I don't need to educate trans people on.

I won't say much more given my lack of direct lived experience, and instead will just share a couple of short reads to get you started thinking about why you may in fact have plenty of worth as a human regardless of your maybe being unable to attain a certain ideal. I have no connection to either source; they were just what came up on a quick search for what this experience is: "internalized transphobia".
Hopefully they will be the first stepping stones in accepting yourself for whoever you are.

Letting Go of Shame & Internalized Transphobia

Learn to recognize and release internalized transphobia. Embrace self-acceptance, let go of shame, and live proudly as your authentic self.

getplume.co

What Is Internalized Transphobia? Understanding and Healing Through Trans-Affirming Therapy - The Expansive Therapy Blog

Internalized transphobia affects many trans and gender-diverse people. Learn what it is and how affirming therapy can support healing and authenticity.

expansivetherapy.com

 

[SuicidalTranny737]

This feels really tone deaf. Cis people are not told that them presenting and affirming their AGAB is "in line with harmful societal gender binary." Of course, I'm not calling for women to just be homemakers and men to be everything they're associated with, but looking like the gender you are inside is not "internalized transphobia." Personally, I am quite literally just a woman who wants to look like a woman, and live as a woman publicly. I don't think that's an insane thing to want.

 

[geometryculdesac]

I see a lot of talk on here from people wanting to die due to trans issues, but as a non-trans person whose work is very near this issue, one of the saddest themes I see in people's suffering is wanting to die because they feel unable to achieve an extremely specific presentation of a gender—one that is often very in line with a (harmful) societal gender binary. Which, of course, comes with a host of problems I don't need to educate trans people on.

I won't say much more given my lack of direct lived experience, and instead will just share a couple of short reads to get you started thinking about why you may in fact have plenty of worth as a human regardless of your maybe being unable to attain a certain ideal. I have no connection to either source; they were just what came up on a quick search for what this experience is: "internalized transphobia".
Hopefully they will be the first stepping stones in accepting yourself for whoever you are.

Letting Go of Shame & Internalized Transphobia

Learn to recognize and release internalized transphobia. Embrace self-acceptance, let go of shame, and live proudly as your authentic self.

getplume.co

What Is Internalized Transphobia? Understanding and Healing Through Trans-Affirming Therapy - The Expansive Therapy Blog

Internalized transphobia affects many trans and gender-diverse people. Learn what it is and how affirming therapy can support healing and authenticity.

expansivetherapy.com

Respectfully, this is not helpful and I agree with the other commenter in this thread. Both of these articles put a strong emphasis on how you should be open and out about your transsexuality and it's wrong to want to be cis which is clearly not what most transsexuals are going for. It's not wrong to grieve the life you will never have and to have to go through many surgeries just to feel normal in a way 99 percent of the population takes for granted.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Respectfully, this is not helpful and I agree with the other commenter in this thread. Both of these articles put a strong emphasis on how you should be open and out about your transsexuality and it's wrong to want to be cis which is clearly not what most transsexuals are going for. It's not wrong to grieve the life you will never have and to have to go through many surgeries just to feel normal in a way 99 percent of the population takes for granted.

Hey, trans man here. I think you misread the articles.

Let me help!

---

The first article is by Plume, a company that provides transition support like hormones—they are obviously not anti-medical transition.

One thing Plume said is this:

"If you've ever felt like you needed to "pass" to be taken seriously, or that you should keep your identity quiet to avoid making others uncomfortable, that's internalized cissexism at work."

Explanation: Read very closely. They specified that if you only want to pass to be taken seriously, that is internalized transphobia—which is mostly correct.

Wanting to pass for safety or to avoid dysphoria is different. Both articles acknowledge this by putting the focus on some trans people's preoccupation with other's views of them.


Here's another thing they said:
"[Wear] what makes you feel euphoric, even if it might get you a few stares"

Explanation: Wear what makes you euphoric. Full stop. If a transwoman wants to dress Barbie fem or a trans man wants to dress Lumberjack masc, that is fine as long as it gives them euphoria. However, even IF (key word is IF) their ideal look is more GNC or "not trans enough," the person should be able to unpack what reasons may be stopping themselves from dressing this way aside from safety.

---

This feels really tone deaf. Cis people are not told that them presenting and affirming their AGAB is "in line with harmful societal gender binary." Of course, I'm not calling for women to just be homemakers and men to be everything they're associated with, but looking like the gender you are inside is not "internalized transphobia." Personally, I am quite literally just a woman who wants to look like a woman, and live as a woman publicly. I don't think that's an insane thing to want.

The second article says this:

"[Interalized transphobia may look like] prioritizing the comfort of cisgender people: Suppressing your own needs or identity to make cisgender people more comfortable"

If dressing "stereotypical" makes YOU more comfortable, than this article does not view it as internalized transphobia.

I understand the kneejerk reaction of defense since a cis person is speaking on OUR community, but @U. A. never implied that they think wanting to dress fem or masc as a trans woman or man is inherently internalized transphobia.

They said "one of the saddest themes I see in people's suffering is wanting to die because they feel unable to achieve an extremely specific presentation of a gender—one that is often very in line with a (harmful) societal gender binary."

Yes, for many that comes from dysphoria, but you cannot ignore that for some it is very clear that the idea of "having to look like (gender) to be valid" does play a part. I have seen this in vents. I have BEEN that person as well.

If you do not fit this criteria than @U. A. was not talking about you

 

[geometryculdesac]

Hey, trans man here. I think you misread the articles.

Let me help!

---

The first article is by Plume, a company that provides transition support like hormones—they are obviously not anti-medical transition.

One thing Plume said is this:

"If you've ever felt like you needed to "pass" to be taken seriously, or that you should keep your identity quiet to avoid making others uncomfortable, that's internalized cissexism at work."

Explanation: Read very closely. They specified that if you only want to pass to be taken seriously, that is internalized transphobia—which is mostly correct.

Wanting to pass for safety or to avoid dysphoria is different. Both articles acknowledge this by putting the focus on some trans people's preoccupation with other's views of them.


Here's another thing they said:
"[Wear] makes you feel euphoric, even if it might get you a few stares"

Explanation: Wear what makes you euphoric. Full stop. If a transwoman wants to dress Barbie fem or a trans man wants to dress Lumberjack masc, that is fine as long as it gives them euphoria. However, even IF (key word is IF) their ideal look is more GNC or "not trans enough," the person should be able to unpack what reasons may be stopping themselves from dressing this way aside from safety.

---

The second article says this:

"[Interalized transphobia may look like] prioritizing the comfort of cisgender people: Suppressing your own needs or identity to make cisgender people more comfortable"

If dressing "stereotypical" makes YOU more comfortable, than this article does not view it as internalized transphobia.

I understand the kneejerk reaction of defense since a cis person is speaking on OUR community, but @U. A. never implied that they think wanting to dress fem or masc as a trans woman or man is inherently internalized transphobia.

They said "one of the saddest themes I see in people's suffering is wanting to die because they feel unable to achieve an extremely specific presentation of a gender—one that is often very in line with a (harmful) societal gender binary."

Yes, for many that comes from dysphoria, but you cannot ignore that for some it is very clear that the idea of "having to look like (gender) to be valid" does play a part. I have seen this in vents. I have BEEN that person as well.

If you do not fit this criteria than @U. A. was not talking about you

Yes I understood and read both articles. I know what plume is. I already have qualms with them for how they overcharge on HRT when you can get it a lot cheaper when DIYing, but that's not the topic. I'm not sure you're understanding what I'm saying. I don't care about what clothes people wear. That has nothing to do with this. This is about sex dysphoria. For many people (again I am referring to binary transsexuals, not nonbinary people) it's hard to pass or be stealth once they have gone through the incorrect puberty unless it was incredibly weak or they started very early, which is next to impossible in many countries, and getting increasingly harder to access among Americans. And that's dependent also on your guardians to take you seriously and let you. There is no denying that sexual dimorphism exists, and I don't think it's a crime for trans people to want to look like the sex they want to transition to. Nonpassing trans people (especially trans women) are brutalized in the street for sex traits they cannot control. Yes, cis women can be 6'3 with broad shoulders and cis men can be 4'10 with broad hips, but it's silly to act like most of them are. I just don't think it's subscribing to "unrealistic standards of the social binary" to acknowledge that puberty ruined some peoples chances of ever going stealth and that it puts them not only in active danger a lot of the time, but prevents them from having a generally normal life like a cis person would.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Yes I understood and read both articles. I know what plume is. I already have qualms with them for how they overcharge on HRT when you can get it a lot cheaper when DIYing, but that's not the topic. I'm not sure you're understanding what I'm saying. I don't care about what clothes people wear. That has nothing to do with this. This is about sex dysphoria. For many people (again I am referring to binary transsexuals, not nonbinary people) it's hard to pass or be stealth once they have gone through the incorrect puberty unless it was incredibly weak or they started very early, which is next to impossible in many countries, and getting increasingly harder to access among Americans. And that's dependent also on your guardians to take you seriously and let you. There is no denying that sexual dimorphism exists, and I don't think it's a crime for trans people to want to look like the sex they want to transition to. Nonpassing trans people (especially trans women) are brutalized in the street for sex traits they cannot control. Yes, cis women can be 6'3 with broad shoulders and cis men can be 4'10 with broad hips, but it's silly to act like most of them are. I just don't think it's subscribing to "unrealistic standards of the social binary" to acknowledge that puberty ruined some peoples chances of ever going stealth and that it puts them not only in active danger a lot of the time, but prevents them from having a generally normal life like a cis person would.

The fact that you just tried explaining gender dysphoria and hate crimes to a trans man makes it very clear that you did not read my message. Almost everything you said here has been addressed in my reply. Read it. I'm highly dysphoric and live in a conservative area. I know this stuff already.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

As a trans man, I personally find no issues with the articles. Internalised transphobia is a real problem for some of us in the community. And this post could help others who maybe relate to some of the things shared.
I see no malice on the behalf of @U. A. 's thread honestly, and I agree with @NormallyNeurotic reasoning and explanation.
I am not quite even sure I understand what is up for debate here.

 

[CatAstro.Fee]

This is just my own thoughts:
I spoke with a trans sibling recently and they were telling me about online discourse, which I tried to remind them it doesn't reflect reality so much, but they told me about people gatekeeping, upholding things like what trans people 'should look like'.

It's unfortunate there are people that try to push 'passing' with harmful stereotypes of what a 'man' or 'woman' act as or look like. I don't agree with the binary either and actually still fighting myself, because over and over again when I try to 'pass', I'm just not happy. I used to follow these kinds of tutorials and try to 'walk' like a 'man', talk, mannerisms, you name it.

I think it's great some people pass enough they don't have to really worry about being a target, but there are people who will go as far as being toxic masculine, misogynistic, or even transphobic to their siblings. Trans people who think they are more superior because they 'pass', or think they don't have to care about issues anymore because it 'doesn't affect them' and have all the surgeries and legal stuff. I see this with cringe culture, people, including queer, who make fun of '2020 alt kids' for using neo-pronouns like 'bunself', things that aren't relevant and keep the community fighting eachother and distracted.

I know many trans people who still love to dress as they did before transitioning, cross-dressing, whatever they like that is considered 'clocky'. For people to step out of their comfort zone, or what is deemed 'acceptable', it takes alot.

It's touchy but the idea of binary needs to be left behind, not to say people can't still aim to dress how cis peers do, just that it has done way more harm and used as a way to uphold power socially and systematically.

I'm glad you posted this, you just see a pattern and want to help, show people the alternatives than trying to fit in the binary. We do have the power within ourselves, and sometimes we need help to see that.

I fully support not doing so if it's for safety reasons, but there are many people who are in 'safe haven' states or privileged to be out and dress comfortably. It's not exactly our responsibility, but we do owe it to those questioning, scared kids, and the oppressed, we owe it to them that we be ourselves, because if not, then who? Who will be the one to dress so beautiful and loud and colorful that when others see, they realize they can do it too.

You guys know what happens when people follow in line, and we'd have an even lower chance of making meaningful change for ourselves and future generations if we don't do anything or make the first move.

Stay safe everyone, no one left behind <3