faraway_sayu
Member
- Mar 9, 2026
- 9
i kind of used to be an alcoholic. been essentially sober for 8 months. had 2 drinks on halloween and 2 again on NYE, but the last time i was actually drunk was last august. and i don't feel any better. if anything, in some way i kind of feel worse.
when i was drunk all the time, i was miserable. alcohol actually heightened my emotions, all while making me too stupid to control them. i don't think i've ever been drunk and not cried. but it did make me a person. it made me "normal". i was sociable, friendly, charismatic. i had friends, i had fun. i was, for the first time in my entire life, "normal." it felt like the cure to everything that was wrong with me. i had lived for so long being so awkward and so anxious about everything that i felt like alcohol medicated that. of course, then i became dependant on it. i was almost always drunk, whether it was the weekend or 3pm on a tuesday. i drank with friends, i drank alone, and every time i had to do something i didn't want to do, i drank my way through it. i got to a point where i was starting to remind myself of my dad and my grandpa and all the other alcoholic men in my family, and i was also starting to realise that there was a big chunk of my life i didn't remember. i was sick of always feeling sick and making an ass of myself, so i started to drink less. i started dating a straight edge guy and it just felt awkward to be drunk around him, so i pretty much stopped drinking completely. (we've broken up now.)
in the last 8 months i've rediscovered who i am without alcohol and all it's done is remind me of why i drank so much in the first place. without it i feel like a shell of a person, too scared and uncomfortable to even speak. part of me misses drinking, but i'm too scared of the person i used to be to start again. idk. i just want this to be over. it seems like a stupid reason to want to die, but no matter what i do i feel like i'm screwed. i can drink my life away and be miserable or i can be a sober hermit and be miserable. maybe it's not even my choice, since i can't really afford to drink anymore anyway.
when i was drunk all the time, i was miserable. alcohol actually heightened my emotions, all while making me too stupid to control them. i don't think i've ever been drunk and not cried. but it did make me a person. it made me "normal". i was sociable, friendly, charismatic. i had friends, i had fun. i was, for the first time in my entire life, "normal." it felt like the cure to everything that was wrong with me. i had lived for so long being so awkward and so anxious about everything that i felt like alcohol medicated that. of course, then i became dependant on it. i was almost always drunk, whether it was the weekend or 3pm on a tuesday. i drank with friends, i drank alone, and every time i had to do something i didn't want to do, i drank my way through it. i got to a point where i was starting to remind myself of my dad and my grandpa and all the other alcoholic men in my family, and i was also starting to realise that there was a big chunk of my life i didn't remember. i was sick of always feeling sick and making an ass of myself, so i started to drink less. i started dating a straight edge guy and it just felt awkward to be drunk around him, so i pretty much stopped drinking completely. (we've broken up now.)
in the last 8 months i've rediscovered who i am without alcohol and all it's done is remind me of why i drank so much in the first place. without it i feel like a shell of a person, too scared and uncomfortable to even speak. part of me misses drinking, but i'm too scared of the person i used to be to start again. idk. i just want this to be over. it seems like a stupid reason to want to die, but no matter what i do i feel like i'm screwed. i can drink my life away and be miserable or i can be a sober hermit and be miserable. maybe it's not even my choice, since i can't really afford to drink anymore anyway.
