NSFW Old messages are getting to me. (TW: SA, Grooming)

[Honeybee]

I found out semi-recently that Discord has the option to toggle searching in DMs between "only in the currently selected DM" or "across all DMs", so naturally I've slowly been deleting all of my oldest messages. I've been using the app since I was 13 (obligatory "I am 18+ now") - I want all of the cringey messages and small child angst gone. Erased.

It's been difficult to go through everything, but once they are finally gone, I think I will feel better.

The problem I didn't fully anticipate was that, I'm also seeing all of my interactions with people that have taken advantage of me. I can't help but read through them, and remember what happened, and have everything resurface.

There are so, so many of them. I put myself in so much danger, so many bad situations. I'm so disgusted with how I was treated. I despise myself for how I acted. I encouraged it, played along, said things I deeply regret to them.

Spoiler: Example of what was said (NSFW)

One showed me anime porn (lingerie), told me "I want to see you in this," and my response was something like "I'd wear this in public and no one would know. :)"
Why would I say that??

Spoiler: Briefly discussing grooming DMs

I think the worst find yet has been the man I "dated" at 13-15 (when he was 19-21). The messages between him and I make me so sick.
I was so obviously a child, in everything I did. He even called me his little [sibling] as he pushed the boundaries more and more.

It's affecting me so much worse than I thought it would, and I can't talk about it with anyone. It still feels kinda dumb to be this upset over 5+ year old messages.

 

[da5ae5ae]

Sweetheart , you are not dumb for feeling upset. To me this shows that you have grown to be tough, and compassionate. It is easy for you to see now - the little you - who was suffering and so desperate for love/validation/acceptance. That is really upsetting to observe. At the time you could not process any of that. But now you can. It is never too late to heal.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

Oh, gosh. Oh, goodness... I was in a similar situation with 14, with someone 19. I found some of our old emails. I know exactly how you feel, right down to the feeling oh so stupid over all of it. (Why, why, why did I literally physically fight my mom over my laptop to talk to him? sneak-buy cheapo laptops just to do the same? Make different emails? Did I not know what was good for me?!)

I can still remember some of the words from a grooming situation. As well as what the girlfriend of the guy who assaulted me said when I told her. And more from another situation.

Being able to erase them will feel much better. I'm cheering you on. If it might even make you feel better to print or write some, and to physically burn/rip/shred/white-out them, etc., you can try it too.

There are so, so many of them. I put myself in so much danger, so many bad situations. I'm so disgusted with how I was treated. I despise myself for how I acted. I encouraged it, played along, said things I deeply regret to them.

Right there with you. But remember, we were kids, we did not – and never would, kid or adult, and never will – deserve this, any of it. People who knew better took advantage of trust and admiration we showed. It is blatant and sick manipulation. We are not responsible for that. We can heal, at our own pace, in our own way, the best we can. You've got this. ♡