Officially homeless. Tonight is the night

[squiddedoutt]

I can't properly convey things in a way that doesn't sound completely childish first world problems imo.

I get this feeling too thinking about all the people who have it worse than me. hell, i imagine you out alone in a dark forest, nowhere to go, icy rain dripping through the trees, maybe thinking about past pain...
Studying for 7 years just to end up in the market now as a software engineer is also uniquely terrible

I wasn't there, but it seems like you've spent a long time pushing through or drifting along in a rough life.

I hope you get what you want, whether it be the desire to take another shot at things or as peaceful of an end as you can find <3

 

[Exhausted546]

Got to sneak to my father's place and take a winter coat and winter gloves, otherwise I can't last outside. This is problematic

Edit: snuck in when I was sure he'd be asleep. I'm warming myself up before going out again. I didn't drink any alcohol yet cause I'm not sure this is doable with how cold it is. I feel like sleeping

I get this feeling too thinking about all the people who have it worse than me. hell, i imagine you out alone in a dark forest, nowhere to go, icy rain dripping through the trees, maybe thinking about past pain...
Studying for 7 years just to end up in the market now as a software engineer is also uniquely terrible

I wasn't there, but it seems like you've spent a long time pushing through or drifting along in a rough life.

I hope you get what you want, whether it be the desire to take another shot at things or as peaceful of an end as you can find <3

Thank you I truly appreciate. Yes I'm honestly exhausted, I have nothing to show for the past decade of struggle except mediocrity ,humiliation and mockery. Regardless of how childish my struggle may seem to someone that worked 3 jobs while being a full time student and raising 4 kids at the same time as a single parent, the only thing I can say is that they're tougher than me I'm not made for a gritty grind especially when I'm at the edge and been running without fuel for what seems like forever already

Edit: I got warm enough to head to my room and get my winter coat. It's locked, its the first time I have even seen that door locked,I don't even know how to lock it or unlock it. Someone opened the window too as I can feel the breeze,it wasn't me.

How the hell am I supposed to head out in the cold rain without a proper coat and an umbrella.

 

[Exhausted546]

Got to sneak to my father's place and take a winter coat and winter gloves, otherwise I can't last outside. This is problematic

Edit: snuck in when I was sure he'd be asleep. I'm warming myself up before going out again. I didn't drink any alcohol yet cause I'm not sure this is doable with how cold it is. I feel like sleeping

Thank you I truly appreciate. Yes I'm honestly exhausted, I have nothing to show for the past decade of struggle except mediocrity ,humiliation and mockery. Regardless of how childish my struggle may seem to someone that worked 3 jobs while being a full time student and raising 4 kids at the same time as a single parent, the only thing I can say is that they're tougher than me I'm not made for a gritty grind especially when I'm at the edge and been running without fuel for what seems like forever already

Edit: I got warm enough to head to my room and get my winter coat. It's locked, its the first time I have even seen that door locked,I don't even know how to lock it or unlock it. Someone opened the window too as I can feel the breeze,it wasn't me.

How the hell am I supposed to head out in the cold rain without a proper coat and an umbrella.

So I postponed to tonight. Currently drunk. Went to the woods, had my rain boots on in case they were flooded from the melting snow. They were beyond flooded. The swamp water was almost knee deep,tough to walk in, had to walk about 8ish minutes to get to my chosen tree. The light in the picture is from the swamp reflecting the sky

Anyway I was really ready to cry tonight as there's no turn back for me,my back is against the wall already.

I won't be able to use these woods for a couple weeks I guess? I need to find some new idea. I could ctb RN at a child's playground but that's morbid honestly. This sucks.

As dumb as it sounds, my uni exams are getting close too,I'll have to start studying for them if I can't ctb before Thursday otherwise i'll be making my life alot worse

 

[Exhausted546]

Hmmm, my brother called me, he said he was worried I might have done something to myself. (Didn't admit that I tried to).

We had an heartfelt talk (honestly, just said things I I written in my suicide note).first time anyone in my family actually hears me out and shows understanding. It feels a lot less like it's me against the world. It's dumb but this acknowledgement alone made me decide to stop seeking for another tree/place to ctb with (which was what I was actively doing) and maybe give life another try. But that comes with it's own set of issues, as I have to fix all the accumulated consequences of me having given up and letting myself go since fall. It'll be complicated to fix. I don't think uni can be salvaged, I'm likely to be kicked out of engineering school for good.

I'm m in a motel, got 1 strong beer left, got my rope. I wonder if I should call it quits or attempt to fight at least now that I have a minimum of support at least.
I don't know, I'm very thankful I'm finally heard but God damn it's gonna be a tough battle ahead of me to get myself out of the hole. I can't half-ass life or death, I have to fully commit otherwise it makes things much harder.

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

Hmmm, my brother called me, he said he was worried I might have done something to myself. (Didn't admit that I tried to).

We had an heartfelt talk (honestly, just said things I I written in my suicide note).first time anyone in my family actually hears me out and shows understanding. It feels a lot less like it's me against the world. It's dumb but this acknowledgement alone made me decide to stop seeking for another tree/place to ctb with (which was what I was actively doing) and maybe give life another try. But that comes with it's own set of issues, as I have to fix all the accumulated consequences of me having given up and letting myself go since fall. It'll be complicated to fix. I don't think uni can be salvaged, I'm likely to be kicked out of engineering school for good.

I'm m in a motel, got 1 strong beer left, got my rope. I wonder if I should call it quits or attempt to fight at least now that I have a minimum of support at least.
I don't know, I'm very thankful I'm finally heard but God damn it's gonna be a tough battle ahead of me to get myself out of the hole. I can't half-ass life or death, I have to fully commit otherwise it makes things much harder.

Sounds like you found a reason to hold on! Whatever might happen next will be hard, but it's rarely unsalvageable. Just keep holding on as hard as you can, but it's also okay if you let go later, what matters is you'll have tried :)
Much love!

 

[Harrier]

It sounds like your brother has your back.

We are here too. Don't be afraid to lean on us.

And since we are pro-choice, we will support you if you take that option.

Think it through, and do what is right for you.

Only you know.

But, what I am hearing is that you have a reason to live.

Just take it day by day.

 

[meddle]

Hmmm, my brother called me, he said he was worried I might have done something to myself. (Didn't admit that I tried to).

We had an heartfelt talk (honestly, just said things I I written in my suicide note).first time anyone in my family actually hears me out and shows understanding. It feels a lot less like it's me against the world. It's dumb but this acknowledgement alone made me decide to stop seeking for another tree/place to ctb with (which was what I was actively doing) and maybe give life another try. But that comes with it's own set of issues, as I have to fix all the accumulated consequences of me having given up and letting myself go since fall. It'll be complicated to fix. I don't think uni can be salvaged, I'm likely to be kicked out of engineering school for good.

I'm m in a motel, got 1 strong beer left, got my rope. I wonder if I should call it quits or attempt to fight at least now that I have a minimum of support at least.
I don't know, I'm very thankful I'm finally heard but God damn it's gonna be a tough battle ahead of me to get myself out of the hole. I can't half-ass life or death, I have to fully commit otherwise it makes things much harder.

thats great, buddy! you can do everything with a support

 

[iamjustapebble]

good luck. i hope you can be free from this hell

 

[Exhausted546]

Sounds like you found a reason to hold on! Whatever might happen next will be hard, but it's rarely unsalvageable. Just keep holding on as hard as you can, but it's also okay if you let go later, what matters is you'll have tried :)
Much love!

I appreciate it. My brother says he's willing to help me a bit financially until I get back on my feet.

thats great, buddy! you can do everything with a support

I'm currently spending my days at the library to salvage my semester. Have 4 days left before my first final

 

[Aflame5926]

I appreciate it. My brother says he's willing to help me a bit financially until I get back on my feet.

I'm currently spending my days at the library to salvage my semester. Have 4 days left before my first final

holy shit i missed this epic moment.

well done.

be proud on your brother. its not a shame to accept his help.

F this is good

 

[meddle]

I'm currently spending my days at the library to salvage my semester. Have 4 days left before my first final

you are sooo cool! facing so many hardships and still not giving up - that takes so much strength and energy. may you successfully pass your exams

 

[telekon]

I'm moving into my "unit" tomorrow. I'm on Ontario works and get 750$/month. If you want to split on a 1-bedroom or a bachelor or something let me know.

 

[Exhausted546]

I'm moving into my "unit" tomorrow. I'm on Ontario works and get 750$/month. If you want to split on a 1-bedroom or a bachelor or something let me know.

I live in quebec-montreal but I truly appreciate the offer.

Id like to thank everyone for their well wishes. I need to make the effort to keep my head up and grind continuously now.
Keeping my head up isn't an easy task at all but I'm trying