I feel like the people in my life, despite caring, look at me & go "they're not actually gonna do anything". I've struggled so much with being respected and taken seriously throughout all my life. Like I said, I just wanna stop being all bark and no bite. I talk and talk and express my pain, but I can't help but feel unheard and underestimated by those around me. Like people don't truly realize how unstable I am. Not that bringing attention towards my declining mental health would make me feel better, honestly; I'd feel guilty, ashamed, like an attention whore and like an imbecile. I'm unhappy both being seen and unseen.
I know I'd be playing with fire if I were to go through with this non-method. I've overdosed before. I'm just at my wits end. No matter what I do, I can't stop being in pain. I'm trying really hard, but it's still raining. I can't make the sun come out no matter how hard I try.
Connecting, withdrawing. Going out, staying in. Creating, stagnating. Giving up, facing it. Medication, no medication. Reaching out, keeping quiet. Loving, hating. It all makes no difference. I can't get out. It's hell. It's really hell.
I'm really tired. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and free. I want to want to live. I want to want to be okay. But I don't. I don't want to get better, I don't want to live. I don't want friends. I don't want anything good for myself. Why?
I'm constantly at war with myself. I resent everything I've ever laid eyes upon. I don't recognize who I am either; I look at posts I made 1, 2 weeks ago, and fail to grasp just who that person is. I just want help. Yet I don't. Yet I do.
I'm tired. If I were to distract my brain with an event such as attempting a non-method, maybe it'd get rid of some of this constant ambivalence that's tearing me apart. It'd make me worse. It could also, miraculously, make me better. I just want a route. Just one clear path. I don't care which one it is.
It might not make sense what I'm saying. I often get the impression that I'm way too in my head and that I'm difficult to understand. I'm sorry. I'm very embarrassed about this all. I'm not one to vent in such an upfront manner, I often limit myself to vague or cryptic, erratic posts made in the heat of the moment. I'm impulsive. I think this may count as erratic, too, but yeah.
I don't know. I'm lost.
Sorry
Hi, first of all I understand that feeling that talking makes you a burden or that it's just confusing for others, but I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear, I think the fact that you went to talk about whats going on before making a decision like od'ing is a good thing, and while I can't speak for others, my guess would be almost no one on here would be mad at someone speaking their mind. It's hard to believe if you've spent most of your life worrying about if you're bothering other people, but I am always happy to see someone talk, to try to get any help they can, it's a scary thing to do and causes so much anxiety, but you did it and I think thats neat :).
Secondly, hmm I see, so you feel like you've been in a depressive or suicidal state for so long that people have become numb to worrying about you? That sucks, it's very difficult to be in that headspace and I get why you're thinking about drastic actions; if you don't mind me asking you mentioned that going to a hospital would just be worse for you, is there any particular reason you feel that way?(I know alot of people all have alot of different reasons so I'm curious).
I get that I think, eventually pain, or sometimes not really pain but just the lack of feeling anything eventually grows into this pressure, for me it's like my spine and heart expanding and it just sucks, it's damn near impossible to keep that pressure in and you just start looking for any outlet you can. I agree with you that OD'ing is playing with fire, and if your hearts telling you it's a bad idea I'd side with it. But obviously that brings up the hard part on what to do with your feelings, it's easy to say just to not do it, but that doesn't fix why you were gonna do it in the first place, it's tough. Have you had any other things pop into your head about what to do? even if you've ruled them out I'd like to hear them and why you ruled them out, especially the least harmful ones
Hmmm I see, do you kinda feel like you're watching your own life go by? it kind of sounds like you're describing your life as if you're binge watching it and forgetting parts, but still have some connection(this isn't super helpful but I just want to properly understand how you feel)
Ah, so you're kind of hoping that if you were to do this, it'd act like a shock or almost like turning something off and on to get things to start working again?
We are all hard to understand to some extent, there is a whole science dedicated to studying the mind :). not that saying that makes it feel any better to not be understood, but in my personal opinion, you don't need to be sorry for being hard to understand, and I can say for certain that I'm not upset or angry about you venting, like I said before it's really tough, this world is really tough, sometimes all humans have is each other, and if we lose that what do we have? from my view, regardless of religion or belief, almost every view of world history involves humans helping eachother, I wouldn't expect someone to try and go through this world alone.
