Venting OCD is hell and I'm tired of pretending its not

[scary]

I remember the days when everyone would say how "OCD" they were, the Buzzfeed quizzes, and even that one song by Rhett and Link, and as much as I do like to make light of my own problems OCD as a whole is a goddamn nightmare and for some reason it's downplayed and misunderstood to no end.

I didn't choose to do my compulsions. I didn't ask my brain to force me every 5 minutes to stop doing whatever thing I was doing to do my rituals instead. And I sure as hell didn't enjoy being made fun for having it as a kid. "OCD doesn't cause intrusive thoughts" my family members would say as they talk about how wanting a towel slightly straight one time made them "sooo OCD" meanwhile I'm sitting fighting the urge to bash my head in because my intrusive thoughts get that scary and vile. It's so goddamn debilitating and it's just seen as the quirky 'wanting things straight' disorder. Although I think the trend of pretending to have it has since passed (tiktokers would rather pretend to have autism and DID) its still not taken seriously. A lot of my mental issues I feel alone with irl in but OCD especially is just a joke thing at the end of the day to most people.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

It's horrible. I've had it since I was a kid. I don't think I realised just how much it affected my thought processes until recently. I ruminate on stuff constantly, I can't get over things that happened in the past. I think about the same things over and over. My brain is constantly telling me life is suffering, everyone and everything suffers.

I'm actually thinking of going on Sertraline (Zoloft) as a last ditch attempt. I feel like it's getting worse and my thoughts are constant when I'm trying to sleep. I'm also checking things constantly as if I don't believe my eyes that something is locked or I put a wash on. It's stupid stuff that doesn't really matter. I wash my hands about 20 times a day. I know it's a spectrum so I don't even know if my OCD is that bad or not. It's a damned awful disorder that makes you question everything. I'm sorry you're going through the same.

 

[scary]

It's horrible. I've had it since I was a kid. I don't think I realised just how much it affected my thought processes until recently. I ruminate on stuff constantly, I can't get over things that happened in the past. I think about the same things over and over. My brain is constantly telling me life is suffering, everyone and everything suffers.

I'm actually thinking of going on Sertraline (Zoloft) as a last ditch attempt. I feel like it's getting worse and my thoughts are constant when I'm trying to sleep. I'm also checking things constantly as if I don't believe my eyes that something is locked or I put a wash on. It's stupid stuff that doesn't really matter. I wash my hands about 20 times a day. I know it's a spectrum so I don't even know if my OCD is that bad or not. It's a damned awful disorder that makes you question everything. I'm sorry you're going through the same.

God the rummaging thing, my brain loves to torture me with past things that's happened to me as well. I think the Zoloft thing is a good idea and i'm rooting for it to work for you, and please don't think about whether or not your disorder is "bad" enough, I believe you that you're suffering

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@scary thank you! I'm hesitant to talk about my OCD as not officially diagnosed and like you say a lot of people downplay it or say they have it when they don't. As you can imagine when it mostly manifests with cleaning and washing constantly, going to the doctors is no easy task! I also feel like the anxiety is the most debilitating thing right now but then it all could be connected.

I think I would get help for it if I knew what the cause was but since I've had it from so young I really don't know what triggered it. Have you been offered any help with it (if you're officially diagnosed with OCD) at all?

 

[scary]

@scary thank you! I'm hesitant to talk about my OCD as not officially diagnosed and like you say a lot of people downplay it or say they have it when they don't. As you can imagine when it mostly manifests with cleaning and washing constantly, going to the doctors is no easy task! I also feel like the anxiety is the most debilitating thing right now but then it all could be connected.

I think I would get help for it if I knew what the cause was but since I've had it from so young I really don't know what triggered it. Have you been offered any help with it (if you're officially diagnosed with OCD) at all?

Np. And no, I haven't been offered any help with it unfortunately. OCD can be inherited and in your genes already and not just be "developed" overtime so its a possibility you were just born to have it. The anxiety part is hell, I agree, and going to the doctors can be challenging for a variety of reasons. I've had it for as long as I can remember and at this point I think for me it's just genetic.

 

[leloyon]

Real. My OCD used to be real bad, a while back though I sorta ended up accidentally inventing CBT on my own in an attempt to fight the thoughts. Nowadays I don't have much compulsions and it's more back to pure O OCD that I struggled with prior to it becoming full on OCD. I developed pure O back when I was about thirteen and I'd say it developed into full-blown OCD when I was maybe sixteen. My mother has OCD too, and she had said we experienced some of the same compulsions (cannot recall if any of what I speak about here are what she had), so it was definitely family history that did me in, as is the case with a lot of other problems in my life.

My OCD wasn't even that severe compared to others, and that knowledge haunted me. Even what I'd experienced with the disorder, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I used to check my front door dozens of times while my brain screamed at me that I hadn't closed the door and that my family would be raped, tortured and murdered as a result, and that their blood was on my hands for being such a lazy fuck as to not just check a goddamn door one more time. And it was never one more time, it would repeat over and over and over, sometimes to the point where I would be actively staring at the very obviously closed door while my brain still screamed that it wasn't closed and that I had to walk all the way up to it and tug on the handle just in case, while still flooding my mind with threats of rape, torture, murder, robbery, all sorts of horrors.

I eventually tried to limit myself with only checking a certain number of times, which quickly developed into counting OCD (I already had a thing with numbers anyway). The worst one was the fridge, I thought I'd left the fridge door open and that the food would all spoil. I'd have to check the door (look at it, look away, look back at it, back and forth...) in a manner that is... incredibly confusing to explain. Here is a quick drawing I made to explain it:

Thirty-two times. Looking back and forth at the fridge thirty two fucking times. Any time I opened the fridge door, for any reason, for any length of time. Thirty two fucking times.

And the worst part is, if I hadn't managed to get control of it when I did, I know it would have expanded. I know those big circles would have been turned into groups in themselves, expanded into even bigger groups... who knows when it would have ended.

I fear that one day I'll slip back into it as if it were the wrath of god himself.

I feel like a bit of a prick for constantly badgering on about how I've managed to get the compulsions under control now, but god damn do I know the struggle all too well. LIke I said, a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

[scary]

View attachment 196780

I felt this drawing deep into my core, and "getting over" your compulsions as you grow older is normal, I'd say mine is less bad then when I was a kid but it's still a pain in the ass. You explained OCD in your drawing pretty well I'd say, the tally marks really brought home for me how bad mine was. If I drew the same thing especially when I was younger I'd be here all day drawing lines for every time my brain yells at me. Getting up to have to do my compulsions and rituals stopped me from doing important tasks (like homework) and I'd get yelled at but I just couldn't help it! I wish there was a switch to turn your brain off, even for just a minute, it'd at least give me a bit of a break

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Np. And no, I haven't been offered any help with it unfortunately. OCD can be inherited and in your genes already and not just be "developed" overtime so its a possibility you were just born to have it. The anxiety part is hell, I agree, and going to the doctors can be challenging for a variety of reasons. I've had it for as long as I can remember and at this point I think for me it's just genetic.

Didn't realise it could be inherited! Can't actually think who I could've taken after though. In fact it's depressing how "normal" and stable my parents and grandparents all were. Then we get to me and my siblings lol. I'm the only one with OCD though. Sometimes I think it's more habit than anything but I know I won't feel "right" until I wash clothes or clean something a certain number of times etc. my skin is so dry from how long I shower for (not to mention how much water I use) I hate how wasteful it makes me with water and cleaning products. Really feel for those that have it even worse though. I think like you I kinda accepted it as part of me years ago.

 

[mya_]

Literally, people see this disease as something quirky and fun when it's not. It's hell when it strikes