Venting Nothing is wrong with me but I can't keep living

[dontknow12301]

I don't understand at all how I have turned out this way. I have a loving family, an uneventful childhood, I got good grades and went to good schools and have never been bullied or shot down. But.
I have no personality. And everybody says that this is not possible, but it truly is. For my whole life, I have never been able to relate to other people, I have not been able to understand why they care about the things that they do. I have no interests, no sense of humor, no passions and no ambitions. I have been getting through life copying the people around me, I am very socially perceptive and I have been able to mirror the personalities of people who I like and somehow acquire friends, even a boyfriend. But I am totally empty inside. Nothing motivates me, nothing moves me. I have likes and dislikes, I guess. Certain things are cool and uncool to me. But I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute. Every conversation feels like pulling teeth. I am now 21 and I don't think I can go on any longer. I have been to therapy, been on medication for anxiety and depression and I am currently in a psych inpatient program but I don't see any way out of this. Everybody around me has formed identities and personalities and had experiences that I just cannot relate to. I don't think I will ever truly connect with people, ever truly understand and connect to the world around me. I don't think that it is worth living any longer
The only thing that brings me a shallow moment of hope some days is the idea that I can change my entire personality, find things interesting that I never have before, form a sense of humor and have experiences that enable me to relate to the rest of the world and feel like a real person. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and begging him for anything that can uproot me and change who I am but I think that it is simply not psychologically possible.
If only there was some answer to why I am this way, or some secret to starting a personality over. This is really just a vent. But if anyone knows the secret, send it my way.

 

[iwkmsssb]

i truly resonate with you. i feel like i've just been absorbing other people's personality to make my own, and when people aren't around i'm just empty. i have no one to perform for. for the longest time ive been trying to figure out who i am, i feel like everything i like is fake or shallow. everyone says im fun to be around but im just acting. im so tired of acting but i dont know what or who ill be without it.

 

[ZwartHartje]

Thinking about this - maybe you turned out this way because you were not challenged. No tension, no conflict, no fight for survival. Myself I have an extremely rebellious streak - I had a nightmarish childhood, scared to death by school bullies and tyrannical family members each day. I endured it quietly until I was 11, and then I did a 180 and rebelled against everything, including quitting school. I turned towards black metal music and Satanism.
Having likes and dislikes certainly is a start. How would you feel about it if someone told you that "you can't do this" certain thing that you like? Wouldn't you feel challenged to prove them wrong?

On the other hand, in certain spiritual traditions like Buddhism you might be seen as having an advantage, as in having no attachments. They say that attachments keep you bound to the cycle of reincarnation. If you're passionate about something, that creates attachments that would make you gravitate back to this world again and again.
There is a certain kind of freedom in being dispassionate about everything, the freedom of having no attachments to this world.
Not sure if this is helpful. You could either try to seek challenges, or seek enlightenment - Nirvana. Or both, or neither...

 

[SighCry]

Hi, I'm wondering if you have been assessed for Autism? I'm Autistic and relate, especially the mirroring other people's personalities which is called 'camouflaging' in the Autistic space, when I was diagnosed a lot of things made sense.

I don't understand at all how I have turned out this way. I have a loving family, an uneventful childhood, I got good grades and went to good schools and have never been bullied or shot down. But.
I have no personality. And everybody says that this is not possible, but it truly is. For my whole life, I have never been able to relate to other people, I have not been able to understand why they care about the things that they do. I have no interests, no sense of humor, no passions and no ambitions. I have been getting through life copying the people around me, I am very socially perceptive and I have been able to mirror the personalities of people who I like and somehow acquire friends, even a boyfriend. But I am totally empty inside. Nothing motivates me, nothing moves me. I have likes and dislikes, I guess. Certain things are cool and uncool to me. But I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute. Every conversation feels like pulling teeth. I am now 21 and I don't think I can go on any longer. I have been to therapy, been on medication for anxiety and depression and I am currently in a psych inpatient program but I don't see any way out of this. Everybody around me has formed identities and personalities and had experiences that I just cannot relate to. I don't think I will ever truly connect with people, ever truly understand and connect to the world around me. I don't think that it is worth living any longer
The only thing that brings me a shallow moment of hope some days is the idea that I can change my entire personality, find things interesting that I never have before, form a sense of humor and have experiences that enable me to relate to the rest of the world and feel like a real person. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and begging him for anything that can uproot me and change who I am but I think that it is simply not psychologically possible.
If only there was some answer to why I am this way, or some secret to starting a personality over. This is really just a vent. But if anyone knows the secret, send it my way.

 

[dontknow12301]

Hi, I'm wondering if you have been assessed for Autism? I'm Autistic and relate, especially the mirroring other people's personalities which is called 'camouflaging' in the Autistic space, when I was diagnosed a lot of things made sense.

I have done a screening test and scored pretty low so I don't think i am Autistic but I might keep looking into it ...

Thinking about this - maybe you turned out this way because you were not challenged. No tension, no conflict, no fight for survival. Myself I have an extremely rebellious streak - I had a nightmarish childhood, scared to death by school bullies and tyrannical family members each day. I endured it quietly until I was 11, and then I did a 180 and rebelled against everything, including quitting school. I turned towards black metal music and Satanism.
Having likes and dislikes certainly is a start. How would you feel about it if someone told you that "you can't do this" certain thing that you like? Wouldn't you feel challenged to prove them wrong?

On the other hand, in certain spiritual traditions like Buddhism you might be seen as having an advantage, as in having no attachments. They say that attachments keep you bound to the cycle of reincarnation. If you're passionate about something, that creates attachments that would make you gravitate back to this world again and again.
There is a certain kind of freedom in being dispassionate about everything, the freedom of having no attachments to this world.
Not sure if this is helpful. You could either try to seek challenges, or seek enlightenment - Nirvana. Or both, or neither...

This is actually really helpful and interesting.. i have been thinking the same thing about lack of challenge, and I think maybe that is something I should seek more of. Also maybe enlightment. Both can't hurt !

 

[ZwartHartje]

I couldn't help thinking about this further, and somehow I feel like I'm the same but just the opposite... like I said above, I had a horrible childhood, and then puberty was only worse if anything, I hated how my body developed, as well as how it failed to develop, and how I had to fight against it - fight against my own body as well as fight against everyone and everything else, my so-called birth family, authorities etc. - I refused to be feminine, I always wanted to be a warrior.
And I became this fight, and not much else really.

There was this meme I saw a long time ago which is very true, it showed a baby with a barcode on the forehead and it said how when you're born you're assigned a nationality, a gender, a name and so on, and you're expected to play this role that you're given, and most people just follow along with that without questioning.
And if they were to start questioning, perhaps many would feel like they had no personality, or at least they'd be left wondering how much of it was really their own, as opposed to what had been imposed or imprinted on them.

Maybe it's just some philosophical thoughts here that are not really helpful. But I've been thinking for a long time how I don't even know what my true name is or if I have one, I only know the name I was given and it's anything but unique.
I couldn't help thinking about this further, and somehow I feel like I'm the same but just the opposite... like I said above, I had a horrible childhood, and then puberty was only worse if anything, I hated how my body developed, as well as how it failed to develop, and how I had to fight against it - fight against my own body as well as fight against everyone and everything else, my so-called birth family, authorities etc. - I refused to be feminine, I always wanted to be a warrior.
And I became this fight, and not much else really.

There was this meme I saw a long time ago which is very true, it showed a baby with a barcode on the forehead and it said how when you're born you're assigned a nationality, a gender, a name and so on, and you're expected to play this role that you're given, and most people just follow along with that without questioning.
And if they were to start questioning, perhaps many would feel like they had no personality, or at least they'd be left wondering how much of it was really their own, as opposed to what had been imposed or imprinted on them.

Maybe it's just some philosophical thoughts here that are not really helpful. But I've been thinking for a long time how I don't even know what my true name is or if I have one, I only know the name I was given and it's anything but unique.

 

[Hollowman]

Not sure why you think nothing's wrong. You just described what's wrong very well. I have some kind of identity disturbance too. It's a living hell.