Nothing feels real and I don’t feel like myself

[jakerjays]

For so long I've felt like I was supposed to be dead, not even not born, just dead. Like I died the moment I decided I was going to commit suicide back when I was 12 and it's only gotten worse.

I had a bad breakdown back in June and I feel less distressed now but it feels like a part of me never came back. Everything feels flatter. I told myself that if I ever started feeling better then I had to kill myself anyway to avoid that distress again. It feels like I'm looking back on another person who once had this body, if that makes sense.
When I look at myself it just doesn't feel like me. The best way I can describe it is as a video game avatar or something. I can see everything but it doesn't feel like I'm looking through my eyes. I feel disconnected from everything, like none of my relationships are personal, just a product of lots of different actions that came together to produce a friendship.

I don't know why I feel this way. Hopefully somebody on here can relate to my experience

 

[unluckysadness]

I can see everything but it doesn't feel like I'm looking through my eyes. I feel disconnected from everything

I can feel this too. It seems like DPDR. One of the worst thing I've experienced in this shitty miserable life. But you're not alone having weird feelings.
My brain is fucked since I was born. I wish I wasn't born. Now I'm 43 and I hope it will be over soon because I cannot handle pain anymore.
I send you hugs and I hope you'll find relief

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I agree, this sounds like depersonalization/derealization.

 

[jakerjays]

I can feel this too. It seems like DPDR. One of the worst thing I've experienced in this shitty miserable life. But you're not alone having weird feelings.
My brain is fucked since I was born. I wish I wasn't born. Now I'm 43 and I hope it will be over soon because I cannot handle pain anymore.
I send you hugs and I hope you'll find relief

Thank you, I really appreciate that you relate to my experience.
I hope that you can find some peace.

 

[unluckysadness]

Thank you, I really appreciate that you relate to my experience.
I hope that you can find some peace.

I hope too. I cannot handle it anymore. Now I have nausea because of anxiety and I'm so nervous inside and tired. I have this problem since I was 16 in high school because of stress / agoraphobia. Unfortunately there is no magic button. The brain is so complicated...

 

[chudeatte]

I feel this way too especially about being disconnected from everything. and the worst part is I dont even want to be connected. I feel like if im not attached to anything, that will make it so much easier to ctb when the time comes. still though, as much as I like it because im a naturally asocial person in general, feeling like nothing is real or nothing matters because im not 'part' of it really sucks. every day feels boring and completely empty because of it and I hate that. I dont know why I feel this way either. maybe it was just years of apathy and disappointment piling up and weighing on my mind. I hope you find some peace with your own experience

 

[jakerjays]

I feel this way too especially about being disconnected from everything. and the worst part is I dont even want to be connected. I feel like if im not attached to anything, that will make it so much easier to ctb when the time comes. still though, as much as I like it because im a naturally asocial person in general, feeling like nothing is real or nothing matters because im not 'part' of it really sucks. every day feels boring and completely empty because of it and I hate that. I dont know why I feel this way either. maybe it was just years of apathy and disappointment piling up and weighing on my mind. I hope you find some peace with your own experience

I feel the same way about not necessarily wanting a connection. It feels horrible not to have one, but as you say it will make ctb easier and having relationships that feel deeply personal takes a lot out of a person and I dont have a lot to give. I really do hope the same for you.