jimmyinnout
Member
- Sep 5, 2025
- 29
I actually never noticed I had "paranoia" until the last few years, this meaning: I thought I was justified in acting like a fucking psychopath, and getting mad at random individuals for being combatitive towards me (the whole time, they were not significantly interested in me at all). Though, even with this awareness, I am constantly seeing people as my detractors, only realizing in hindsight, it is my mind which stages these events.
Why this makes me want to CBT: I am already significantly socially inept - though, in a way, I am actually overly socially adept - as I can confidently understand social cues, facial expressions, what have you, when I am a voyeur to other people's interactions. Meaning: I am not "autistic" or neurologically unable to understand people, rather it is that I am unable to make myself "understandable" to everyone else.
And now, knowing my understanding of people's actions "TOWARDS ME" will always be skewed towards them being my "antagonist", it is difficult to have any confidence in my social readings in a way that is specifically applicable to my life. Essentially, I am unable to enmesh myself within society without appearing as this paranoid and defensive individual. And I do not know how to fix this without changing my life circumstances from day one.
The antagonistic view of people also goes beyond misunderstandings of small behaviours or actions. Because I will actually make dialogues for these people to say to "combat' me, from thin air. And no matter how many times this happens, I cannot "learn" to differentiate real events from my internal puppetry of people I have chosen to be my "antagonists".
I am also: not schizophrenic, or psychotic. I do not have these misunderstandings, or "puppeted" events to a signifigant degree outside if social interactions. So, I dont understand, why this happens to me. My LIVING family also has these traits, to a non clinical degree. And I am disgusted when I see them construct someones inane existence as some kind of slight against them. I have no empathy towards these people at all, despite exhibiting these same maladsptions.
So basically, I cannot LIVE in the world without seeing people as agents made to attack me. The only time I am FREE of this is when I go in public intoxicated from alcohol, but I also can become rageful and malnecholic from alcohol these days. So I think I should try alternative things, like kratom or kava. It is just difficult and unfamiliar to get these things.
Why this makes me want to CBT: I am already significantly socially inept - though, in a way, I am actually overly socially adept - as I can confidently understand social cues, facial expressions, what have you, when I am a voyeur to other people's interactions. Meaning: I am not "autistic" or neurologically unable to understand people, rather it is that I am unable to make myself "understandable" to everyone else.
And now, knowing my understanding of people's actions "TOWARDS ME" will always be skewed towards them being my "antagonist", it is difficult to have any confidence in my social readings in a way that is specifically applicable to my life. Essentially, I am unable to enmesh myself within society without appearing as this paranoid and defensive individual. And I do not know how to fix this without changing my life circumstances from day one.
The antagonistic view of people also goes beyond misunderstandings of small behaviours or actions. Because I will actually make dialogues for these people to say to "combat' me, from thin air. And no matter how many times this happens, I cannot "learn" to differentiate real events from my internal puppetry of people I have chosen to be my "antagonists".
I am also: not schizophrenic, or psychotic. I do not have these misunderstandings, or "puppeted" events to a signifigant degree outside if social interactions. So, I dont understand, why this happens to me. My LIVING family also has these traits, to a non clinical degree. And I am disgusted when I see them construct someones inane existence as some kind of slight against them. I have no empathy towards these people at all, despite exhibiting these same maladsptions.
So basically, I cannot LIVE in the world without seeing people as agents made to attack me. The only time I am FREE of this is when I go in public intoxicated from alcohol, but I also can become rageful and malnecholic from alcohol these days. So I think I should try alternative things, like kratom or kava. It is just difficult and unfamiliar to get these things.
